cocky or confident?...

james 4 the beginning of verse 13 (ms), and now i have a word for you who brashly announce...

now how does that come across to you? i have a word for you who brashly announce.

what i see in this is two different attitudes. the first is confidence, i have a word for you and the second is cockiness, you who brashly announce. and you might ask is there a difference between the two?

cal thomas a syndicated columnist says there is in an article he wrote called the confidence factor. here is what he said, "there is a difference between cockiness and confidence. the one is a character flaw in prideful men, and pride, as the proverb warns, goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall (proverbs 16.18). the other is an essential ingredient in a leader who not only believes in himself and the worth of his ideas but also that the people he leads will follow him if they know where he is going and why he wants to take us there."

if we are going to make a difference in this world we need confidence, not cockiness.

now the rest of verse 13 (ms) says, and now i have a word for you who brashly announce, "today—at the latest, tomorrow—we're off to such and such a city for the year. we're going to start a business and make a lot of money."

you could kind of see this as a business plan of some leader, a person looking and planning for his future. now james is not condemning that. no, he is condemning the source of the planning.

why is james confident enough to say, and now i have a word for you? it's because of where the word came from. the source of his word is GOD. and those who brashly announce, their source comes from a person who believes only in himself and no one else.

so who do you want to be? a person whose source is someone who is out in the future preparing the way and that is GOD or is someone who cannot see one second into their future and that is you and me.

now understand that planning is not the problem. the book of proverbs says over and over again that if i don't plan i'm a fool. it's wise to plan. he's not talking about planning; he's talking about planning without GOD and that is presumption.

there is nothing wrong with having a business plan, the problem is having a business plan without GOD.

listen, you and i can be a believer and still forget GOD in our daily lives. i know a lot of people who love the LORD with all their heart but when it comes to planning their business or career or their school education or the one they will marry they are practical atheists.

it's sad to meet someone who says, "i don't believe in GOD. i don't believe HE exists." it's sadder to find somebody who says, "i believe in GOD. i believe HE exists" but then acts like HE doesn't exist. he or she doesn't make any plans involving the LORD. they just go off on their own as if it all depends on them.

you say, "i believe in GOD." does HE have a say in your business? "i don't believe in mixing business and faith." listen, all business is GOD's business if you're a believer. don't be cocky and plan without GOD. that's presumption and it is practical atheism. but be confident, with faith, plan with GOD.

just some thoughts from the front porch...

are you ready?...

james in 4.13 changes direction. he says (ms), and now...

we have been dealing here with something that is very important. we have been looking at judging other people, in other words, playing GOD but now james says, and now. and i am glad for the and now.

i was telling denise at church sunday that i am ready for a change. i am ready for an and now. i needed to deal with judging, to get a handle on it, to do something about it, but i am now ready for an and now.

do you ever do that to your family or your friends? do you ever get on a subject and just stay on it and stay on it and stay on it until they are no longer listening to you. that is so easy to do isn't it? but that is now what GOD is like. HE lets us know and then HE moves to the next things HE wants us to see. and we accept what HE says or not.

but HE also wants us to deal with it and then move on. my dad was killed in an truck accident many years ago and i had real trouble coming to grips with it. my focus became so narrow that i finally went and spent some time with a man who showed me how to get though the grieving that i was going through. he really helped me. he shared that i had gotten to the place that i was living with a tunnel vision that was giving me a narrow focus on life and that i had to somehow break through those walls and broaden my vision of life.

so are you focusing on something in your life and not dealing with it, not handling it? maybe you are focusing on the insecurity of your life because of what you have lost: a relationship, financial security, a job? i understand it if you are.

now in this time that i went through in my tunnel vision, i finally got to the point that i was tired of the pain and i was ready to do something about it. i was ready to listen to what i needed to do to get out of the rut that i had gotten into. dad wasn't coming back. i had to come to grips with it and then move on with my life.

so james here says, and now but then he goes on and says, i have a word for you...

some of what GOD allows us to go through is to get us to the point that we will listen to the word that HE has for us. it really doesn't matter that GOD has a word for us until we are ready to hear it and to do it. some of what GOD is allowing us to go through in the insecurities of our lives is to get us to the point that we will stop and hear HIS word and do something about it.

i have heard what you said about judging, james, and i am putting your word into practice, now i am seeking for more of what GOD has for me.

so are you ready to hear what james is ready to share with us? i know i am.

so why don't you read james 4.13-17 and meet me here on the front porch tomorrow...

so what do we do?...

this is an area every one of us has to deal with – a critical attitude, being judgmental. if you want to find some fault in somebody, you can. everybody is imperfect. it's all in what you decide to look at. if you choose to make friends in life one of the things you have to do is overlook their faults. love the good parts in them and overlook the bad parts. if you want to have a successful marriage, you have to learn to stop criticizing and questioning your mate's motives. look at the good parts in their life.

now why does james here in the nt deal with this? because it's one of the most common problems that we have. what it really means is we do what only GOD is to do. you see only GOD has the right to judge, evaluate and criticize someone. HE's got all the facts. HE's impartial. we're not. it's not our place. and it will be a liberating experience when you realize that GOD has not called you to judge other people but HE's called you to be accountable to HIM.

would you pray a prayer like this in your heart, "LORD, help me to quit playing GOD. help me this week to not be critical and judgmental, to watch my mouth and not gossip and pass on damaging information, but to build up others and to share only those things that encourage and lift up. LORD, thank YOU for YOUr grace in my life. thank YOU that YOU don't give me what i deserve but YOU give me what i need. help me to do that with others, to pass on to them what they need. i pray this in JESUS' name. amen"

just some thoughts from the front porch...

we don't get what we deserve...

in breaking the habit of being judgmental i need to remember that GOD has been merciful to me. as my pastor said today, we all deserve hell but GOD has given us mercy instead. that is unbelievable but true.

james 2.13 (ms), for if you refuse to act kindly, you can hardly expect to be treated kindly. kind mercy wins over harsh judgment every time.

there is a principle that is greater than criticism. it's the principle of forgiveness. the principle of mercy. JESUS said, blessed are the merciful.

matthew 18 is the story of the unforgiving servant. he owed $50,000 to his master. his master forgave him. then he went out and found the guy that owed him $5 and strangled him because he wouldn't pay him. now when the master heard about it he took the servant and said, "if that is the way you want to play the game, ok. you're unforgiving, it will be unforgiven for you."

the bible says we're to be merciful because GOD has given us so much mercy. the reason why i have to be patient with you is because GOD is patient with me. the reason you have to be patient with me is because GOD is patient with you. that's the way it goes. none of us get what we deserve. if we did we wouldn't be here. it's all by GOD's grace.

and we take advantage of GOD's grace. we forget how good it is. when you first become a CHRISTian you understand how much you're forgiven. you are thrilled and you're really grateful for it. but the longer you're a CHRISTian, the more you take for granted.

kind of like the boss who gives everybody in the company a $350 CHRISTmas bonus. everybody praises the boss. the second year he decides to do it again – a second $350. by the third CHRISTmas you've already spent the money and thinking what is he going to do this year? if he didn't give it you'd be upset. we become conditioned to be ungrateful.

if GOD's been gracious with us we need to be gracious with others. the most forgiving person is the most forgiven person. once a person has fallen, made mistakes, realized it and faced up to it, you're a lot more sympathetic, open and forgiving, kind and loving with other people.

listen don't forget what you have been given and then give that to other people. remember, you didn't deserve it either

just some thoughts from the front porch...

i have the habit of judging...

now for many of us, judging others is a habit that needs to be broken and a great way to break it is to remember that i'll be judged by the same standards that i use to judge other people.

if you want something to help you be a little more considerate, look at matthew 7.1-2 (ms), don't pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults— unless, of course, you want the same treatment. that critical spirit has a way of boomeranging.

here is another version just to make sure we get it. (tev), do not judge others, so that GOD will not judge you, for GOD will judge you in the same way you judge others, and HE will apply to you the same rules you apply to others.

we are in trouble! the way we judge others – the same measure we use is the same measure we get back. if you want something to help you break the habit of talking critically about other people, remember that. what you dish out will be dished out to you.

another thing to remember is that each of us is accountable to GOD.

romans 14.12-13 (niv), everyone of us, then, will have to give an account to GOD. so then, let us stop judging one another.

you're not accountable to me in the ultimate sense of every area of your life. you don't have to report to me but one day we're all going to stand before GOD and then GOD is going to know our motives.

how's GOD going to judge? HE's going to judge, honestly, fairly, truthfully. it won't be based on hearsay, rumors, third hand passed down stuff but based on the facts. HE will judge impartially.

in the court system it seems some people get off lighter than others. sometimes it doesn't seem fair. that's true. the bible never said that the world would be fair. but one day GOD is going to settle the score.

why is it that people who do all kinds of evil things get away with it all of the time? why is that? is it fair that hitler could ruin so many lies and then just take his own life? the bible says that on the other side, GOD settles the score. one day we'll all be judged by the LORD and we'll give an account to HIM.

just some thoughts from my front porch...

we play GOD...

and then 1 corinthians 4.5 (ms), so don't get ahead of the MASTER and jump to conclusions with your judgments before all the evidence is in. when HE comes, HE will bring out in the open and place in evidence all kinds of things we never even dreamed of—inner motives and purposes and prayers.

now to understand this you have to understand the verses around it. what paul is talking about is motives. everywhere paul went his motives were constantly being challenged, questioned. he is saying don't judge people's motives, wait until HE comes. it's premature to judge people's motives.

why is it premature? because nobody really knows what's in somebody else's heart. you can guess but you don't know. and to judge somebody means we're judging without the facts. only GOD has the right to judge because HE can see in the heart.

he says that when the LORD comes back HE will bring out in the open and place in evidence all kinds of things we never even dreamed of—inner motives and purposes and prayers. i have a hard enough time just trying to figure out my own motives about a lot of things, much less making a good guess at yours. so do you.

a lot of times we don't know why we do what we do. so what makes us think that we can figure out what makes other people do what they do? we have a hard enough time just judging our own selves but one day it's going to be brought to light.

why do we do that? again it is pride. We are playing GOD

just some thoughts from the front porch...

it's ok to disagree...

have you ever been in a church situation where people are judging each other by the way they observe their faith externally?

colossians 2.16 (niv), therefore do not let anyone judge you by what you eat or drink, or with regard to a religious festival, a new moon celebration or a sabbath day. these are a shadow of the things to come; the reality, however, is found in CHRIST.

paul deals with this issue here. he is saying that you can't tell or judge a person's walk with GOD based on their outward external observances – by what you eat or drink or if you worship on saturday, sunday or any other day of the week. these are just a shadow of the things to come. reality is found in CHRIST. so when i judge somebody on the basis of their outward religious observances i'm missing the point.

this is what romans chapter 14 is all about. they had a church that some people were judging each other because they looked at certain habits and said, "you can't be a CHRISTian and do that!"

paul says this is what is happening. you're judging each other and calling each other weak or strong. you're fighting back and forth. he says there are three things that cause a lot of conflict: drink, eat, worship. what you drink, what you eat and when you worship.

two guys are at the "i love my church" banquet. one guy is enjoying a wonderful turkey dinner. the other says, "i'm a vegetarian." "you're kidding? i thought only kooks were vegetarians." "i thought only kooks ate turkey." and they start fighting over whether they're going to eat meat or not. that's unwise. GOD has accepted both.

romans 14.13 (niv), therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your brother's way. these are principles here: whatever you do have a clear conscious about it. don't offend other people. don't judge each other.

it's wrong when we judge people on the basis of external observations. we CHRISTians disagree on many things. we really do.

just some thoughts from the front porch...

to encourage, not discourage...

we are looking at areas that GOD says are wrong for us to judge.

in john 7.24 (cev) JESUS says, don't judge by appearances. judge by what is right.

we tend to make our impression of people in about 15 seconds and most of that is in the way that they look. we judge people, we size them up, by their face, clothing, hairdo. and if you judge just on the basis of appearance, that's unwise, that is wrong.

1 samuel 16.7 (ms). samuel said this when he chose david, the runt of the family to be king of israel. others were saying, "not david! that scrawny kid! he's nothing. the other brothers are the sharp ones!" but samuel said, GOD judges persons differently than humans do. men and women look at the face; GOD looks into the heart.

john 7.50 (ms), nicodemus, the man who had come to JESUS earlier and was both a ruler and a pharisee, spoke up. (talking to the sanhedrin) "does our law decide about a man's guilt without first listening to him and finding out what he is doing?"

now that's a rhetorical question. the obvious answer is "no." it's wrong to judge when you condemn somebody before you hear the facts. if you study scripture you'll find that even if your conclusions are right about that person you're still wrong – because you did it without getting the facts. there is always more than one side of a story. my dad always said, that no paper is so thin that it doesn't have two sides to it. and then there is GOD's side. usually we have partial truth.

james 4.11 (cev), my friends, don't say cruel things about others! if you do, or if you condemn others, you are condemning GOD's law.

anything that causes me to speak evil about another CHRISTian, maybe to ruin their reputation is wrong. we are to hate wrong but we're to love people even when they are doing wrong.

ephesians 4.29 (ms) says, watch the way you talk. let nothing foul or dirty come out of your mouth. say only what helps, each word a gift.

CHRISTians ought to be known for their encouragement not their criticism. we don't need nagging; we need encouragement. we know what's right, we just need encouragement to do it. i would like to be known as an encourager. i think that's what GOD wants us to be.

it is GOD's job to keep us humble. HE doesn't need our help to do that but HE does need us to help in encouragement. it goes back to the issue again. pride wants to bring people down to show we are superior but GOD wants us to be humble and to look out for the needs of others.

it is really tough in our humanity. that's why we need GOD in us living through us.

just some thoughts from the front porch...

some you can, some you can't...

the scripture does say in some places that we are to judge certain things. we're to judge ourselves and we're to judge certain matters. but there are other times it says, don't do this.

romans 2.1-3 (ms), those people are on a dark spiral downward. but if you think that leaves you on the high ground where you can point your finger at others, think again. every time you criticize someone, you condemn yourself. it takes one to know one. judgmental criticism of others is a well-known way of escaping detection in your own crimes and misdemeanors. but GOD isn't so easily diverted. HE sees right through all such smoke screens and holds you to what you've done. you didn't think, did you, that just by pointing your finger at others you would distract GOD from seeing all your misdoings and from coming down on you hard?

listen, i don't have any right to speak up, to judge you, to criticize you, if i lack the personal integrity where i'm guilty too.

do you remember the woman caught in adultery? what did JESUS say to the pharisees? he who is without sin cast the first stone. and they all walked away.

that's what GOD is saying here. i don't have any right to judge anyone else if i'm guilty of the same thing. we need to be consistent.

matthew 7.3-5 (niv), why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? how can you say to your brother, "let me take the speck out of your eye" when there is a plank in your own eye? you hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye and then you can see clearly to remove the speck in your brother's eye.

now JESUS is talking here in HIS famous sermon on the mount. and this is a good example of the fact that JESUS told jokes. hebrew humor is humor by exaggeration. HE said this in exaggeration and i'm sure the disciples got a big laugh.

now just imagine two guys: one guy has got some sawdust in his eye and the other has a telephone pole hanging out his eye. JESUS is making a point here with humor. HE is saying it is wrong to judge when it blinds me to my own faults. if judging you causes me to not look at myself realistically, then it's wrong. we are great speck analyzers, nitpicking specks, when we have a logjam in our own eye.

the message paraphrase of matthew 7.1-5 says, don't pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults— unless, of course, you want the same treatment. that critical spirit has a way of boomeranging. it's easy to see a smudge on your neighbor's face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. do you have the nerve to say, "let me wash your face for you," when your own face is distorted by contempt? it's this whole traveling road-show mentality all over again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your part. wipe that ugly sneer off your own face, and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor.

listen, if you tell people that you are a follower of CHRIST then you need to act like HIM and then you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor.

we are so confused many times at what CHRIST really wants from us.

just some thoughts from the front porch...

those who really love don't...

james here in the 4th chapter is building a case against CHRISTians judging other CHRISTians.
verse 11 (niv), anyone who...judges...speaks against the law... is it illegal? is there a law against judging in the united states?

no, he's talking about the royal law. james 2:8 (nlt), ...keep the royal law found in scripture, "love your neighbor as yourself." james says if you do this you're doing what? when i judge you i'm breaking the royal law – the law of love – love your neighbor as yourself.

we say, "it's just words and people will forget them." people never forget words. you always remember them. judging is unloving.

then judging is unjustified.

james 4.12 (niv), there is only one lawgiver and one judge.

the word "lawgiver" is used six times in the old testament and only once in the new testament. the six times in the old testament refer to GOD and the same thing here – it's referring to GOD. only GOD has the right to judge. it's in GOD's job description. it's not in your job description to judge people. HE has not commissioned you to talk to everybody about everybody else.

one of the great weaknesses in people is we tend to generalize people by one mistake. if they make one mistake we write off their whole personality. if a guy makes a foolish mistake, we say, he's a fool!" not necessarily. maybe he just made a foolish mistake in one particular area.

think about this, we tend to judge in other people things we dislike in our self. psychologists have known that for a long time. when you see someone who reacts violently to a particular sin usually in their heart it means they have a hang up with it. it doesn't mean they're involved in it. it might just mean they have a fear that they will be involved in it. we always tend to react to our weaknesses in others. what we see is usually just a mirror of self.

just some thoughts from my front porch...

let's not do his job for him...

there is a book out by dave kinnaman and gabe lyons called unCHRISTian. it deals with the fact that CHRISTians are supposed to represent CHRIST to the world. but according to the latest report card, something has gone terribly wrong. using descriptions like "hypocritical," "insensitive," and "judgmental," young americans share an impression of CHRISTians that’s nothing short of...unCHRISTian.

now these are also some issues that the bible has with people who called themselves CHRISTians and here in james 4 he shows that it is in fact unCHRISTian to judge people.

verse 11 (niv), brothers, do not slander one another. anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the law.

it is amazing how we as the so called family of GOD treat each other.

there are some families out there. all they do is yell at each other, put each other down. they never build each other up. all they do is criticize each other. i can't believe how some families treat each other all the time. i'm glad GOD gave me the family i have.

and james here says we're brothers, we're family. he's saying when you see another CHRISTian stumble or fall or have a tough time, you shouldn't rejoice in that because they're family. you should be concerned about it. i think a lot of times we get a little bit of glee out of it.

i heard about a guy who came to a pastor one time and said, "i don't have but one talent." the pastor asked, "what's your talent?" the man said, "i have the gift of criticism." listen, the gift of criticism does not come from the HOLY SPIRIT but from the devil and the pastor was wise and thought about the parable in the bible and said, "the guy who had only one talent went out and buried it. maybe that is what you should do with yours."

notice it says, brothers, do not slander. the word "slander" and the word "devil" are the same word in the greek. the word devil means, "slander." the bible calls satan the accuser of CHRISTIans. he's the slanderer of CHRISTians. what does this mean?

the devils number one activity is going around and putting people down, to slander them and malign them. we are most like the devil when we slander, when we speak against somebody else (including all kinds of criticisms, maligning, judging) we're doing the devils work for him. that's what the devil's job description is.

john 8:44 (niv), the devil is the father of lies. revelation says he's the accuser of brothers. it's unchristian to judge other people.

it is no wonder that the younger gerneration looks at us as CHRISTians and says if that is what it means to be a CHRISTian, no way. and james is saying the same thing.

let's build each other up not tear each other down by criticizing each other all the time. let's not do the devils job for him

just some thoughts from the front porch...

here comes the judge...

now james deals with an action that pride shows itself in us too often. it is an action that hurts people. it is an action that too many of us are good at doing and the action is judging.

and james hits it head on. james 4.11 & 12 (tev), do not criticize one another, my friends. if you criticize or judge another CHRISTian, you criticize and judge the law. if you judge the law, then you are no longer one who obeys the law, but one who judges it. GOD is the only lawgiver and judge. HE alone can save and destroy. who do you think you are, to judge someone else?

james gets right to the point. when you and i judge, what we are really saying is, "i am GOD."

you see anytime i judge you, anytime you judge me, we're playing GOD. and GOD is the only one who can judge other people. but why do we do it?

well for one we want to excuse our own faults.

romans 2.3 (ms) you didn't think, did you, that just by pointing your finger at others you would distract GOD from seeing all your misdoings and from coming down on you hard?

judging shows how really arrogant we can be sometimes. we think by pointing the finger at somebody else, GOD is going to forget what we've done. or when you point out how somebody else has fallen then you don't look so bad. we use it as an excuse to blame others. we love to accuse others and excuse ourselves.

how do we do that? how do we excuse our sins? we do that by relabeling them…"i'm not a gossip, i'm just sharing a concern," "i'm not lazy, i'm just mellow," "i'm not negative, i'm realistic," "i'm not unreliable, i'm flexible." we have different terminology. we excuse our sins by relabeling them. "i'm not critical, i'm discerning." we all do that.

another reason we judge or criticize is to make us feel superior.

proverbs 26.22 (tev), gossip is so tasty! how we love to swallow it.

we have this natural ability to eat it up because it makes us feel good, it gives us an ego blast. again it strokes our pride.

now there are many different kinds of slander.

there's slander in the first degree – "do you know what that guy's doing?" – a statement of judgment on them.

CHRISTians like slander in the second degree – "i'm sharing this with you so you can pray about it with me." when we hear about how other people have fallen, there's something inside, a little bit of pride … "that just goes to show you.."

the bible teaches that we often tend to judge other people because we think it's going to put us in a better position but whenever you point a finger at somebody, you're pointing three fingers back at yourself. the bible says what we sow, we're going to reap.

i hope you are seeing that judging in no way pleases GOD. in fact, HE hates it because HE hates pride.

just a strong caution from the front porch...

let's pray...

in the first part of chapter 4, james give three desires that cause conflict. the desire to have – possessions. verse 2 (lb), you want what you don't have…you long for what others have... then the desire to feel good – pleasure. verse 3b (lb), you want only what will give you pleasure. the desire to be – pride & power. proverbs 13:10 (lb), pride leads to arguments.

let me ask you, which of these desires causes the most conflict in your life? maybe it's the desire to have and you're so busy out there making a living that you forget to make a life. hustling, day in and day out, to make a buck but your relationships are falling apart.

maybe it's a desire to feel good. "i have my rights." that's something the devil likes to say an awful lot but that's the exact opposite the scripture is saying, think about other people, not just yourself. what are their needs? but i'd really rather think about what i need right now than what my family needs or my friends need.

how about the desire to be? do you find it difficult to admit it when you're wrong? that's going to cause conflict. do you find your schedule pushing out time for the LORD? then re-evaluate your schedule. make time for the things that are important.

in the first three verses of this chapter, four times it says you're unsatisfied – you want but you don't get, you strive for but you can't have. you're unsatisfied. many people in life are unsatisfied with the way they are living. the secret of satisfaction is in JESUS CHRIST. give yourself to HIM and find your needs met in HIM rather than other people. HE will never let you down.

would you pray this prayer right now? "LORD, would you help me think of others and not just my own desires? help me to be willing to admit when i am wrong."

maybe you need to go to somebody this week and apologize. say, "i've been selfish and i'm sorry." the bible says, GOD opposes the proud but HE gives grace to the humble. GOD will give you the power to change and become the person you've always wanted to be. the bible says, HE lifts you up. before honor is humility.

then would you pray, "GOD, i want to give into YOU. i give YOU my life, my marriage, my career. i submit it all to YOU. i ask YOU to put the peace of CHRIST in my heart to rule. help me to get wise about satan, to realize he plays on pride and tells me things i want to hear but really only makes matters worse. FATHER, help me to grow closer to YOU, to make time in my schedule for time with YOU. FATHER, i admit that many times i've put me first and i ask YOU to forgive me. help me to become like JESUS, to have the attitude that HE had, to not only look after my own interest but the interest of those around me. teach me to say, "THY will be done" instead of me first."

if you've never invited JESUS CHRIST into your life, do it now. ask him to come in.

LORD, thank you for your word. it's practical and it helps us in the very area that we need it the most. use this in our lives this week so we can have more peaceful relationships, less conflict, less strife, less arguing and more love, joy, and peace. in JESUS name we pray, amen.

do you realize how humbling that would be?...

if you want to really stop the conflicts in your life, if you want to get along with other people, you need to learn to ask forgiveness from GOD and from those you hurt. james 4.8 (niv), ...wash your hands… purify your hearts...

our hands represent our conduct and hearts represent attitudes. he's saying, clean up your act.

verse 9 (lb), let there be tears for the wrong things you've done.

don't minimize what's happened. take it seriously. be sorry for your self-centeredness. it's a big deal when your wife's feelings are hurt, or your husband's, or kid's or your friend's. take it seriously. if someone says you've hurt them, you've hurt them. it may not be a big deal to you, but it is to them. be willing to ask forgiveness.

now is there someone you would like to begin to resolve the conflict you are having with them? how do you do it? are you willing to go and apologize for your part? maybe they are 95% wrong and you are only 5% at fault, but you take care of your 5% and let GOD handle the other 95% in their life. their response is their response.

"i know we've had our differences and i know i haven't always been thoughtful. a lot of times i've thought more about myself than your needs."

you might say, "but bill, do you realize how humbling that would be?" you got it. that's the point! remember GOD gives grace to the humble!

if you want to change, the only way you're really going to change is to want to be humble and the only way to be humble is to go and ask forgiveness.

it's hard but do you really want to change? do you want to reduce the conflict? maybe the way you do it is by cracking the door open by your taking the first step even if they are primarily at fault. admit what you've brought into the relationship that was wrong. it's humbling, sure but GOD gives grace to the humble.

maybe this week you need to write a letter, make a call, make some restitution even to that person who irritates you. joyce landorff calls them an irregular person, those heavenly sandpapers that irritate you. take the first step.

then verse 10 (niv), humble yourself before the LORD and HE will lift you up.

GOD doesn't want to keep you down on the ground. the way to honor is humility. if you want to be honored by your husband/wife/kids/others/the LORD, it means humility. coming and saying, "GOD i give up. i can't do it on my own. i need your power to resist the devil when he says, 'live for yourself.'" i grow closer to GOD and spend time with him and i'm willing to ask forgiveness.

just some thoughts from the front porch...

just move close...

now in our desire to calm our conflicts we must run from the devil and draw close to GOD.

james 4.8 (nlt), draw close to GOD, and GOD will draw close to you.

now how do you do that, how do we grow closer? well, by reading the bible, by going to church, by getting in a small group – all these kinds of things help you grow closer to GOD.

listen, the more focus time you have with GOD, the better you will get along with other people. you can count on it! when the argument level rises in our marriage it means that someone is not spending time with the LORD. it's that simple. grow closer to GOD.

isaiah 26:3 (nlt), YOU will keep in perfect peace all who trust in YOU, whose thoughts are fixed on YOU!

have you noticed that when you spend time with the LORD, you focus your thoughts on HIM, then you get along better with others? it is because HE keeps perfect peace in your heart and you're not as irritable.

now many times we only draw closer to GOD when we're in trouble? we only pray when we have a need. but we need to just spend time with HIM, bible study, church, daily quiet time – make times for these things.

you say you're too busy? then maybe you're too busy. maybe you need to cut some things out of your schedule to make more time to spend time with the LORD. the more you spend time with the LORD, the more you're going to enjoy the rest of your time. it will be more productive, more beneficial. you'll get along better with others, have fewer arguments because you're spending time with GOD.

grow closer to GOD, and HE'll keep you in peace. get up 15 minutes earlier each morning. maybe start with the book of john. read and pray and notice the difference in your attitude and the relationships the rest of the day. i challenge you to do that.

the conflict in your life is in direct proportion to the time you're spending with GOD.

there is also a great promise here too. when you in really do draw close to GOD, HE will come near to you. HE doesn't back off, HE draws close to you. when you move toward HIM, HE moves toward you.

just some thoughts up here on bill's front porch...

just be aware...

now in this matter of arguments james gives us a personality that needs to be reckoned with. in other words we need to be aware, be alert. realize what he's doing. realize where the conflict comes from and that he's the source behind it. don't be dumb. don't be ignorant. we need to get wise to satan.

james 4.7b (niv), resist the devil and he will flee from you.

now the word "resist" is a war term. it means to be prepared. to stand against. withstand an attack. the devil wants to destroy your marriage. he wants to destroy every good relationship in your life. why?

because he loves conflict, arguments. he wants confusion, arguments, stress, hurt feelings, disappointments, anger, chaos. he loves to do it. james says you've got to give into GOD, let him have control.

then you've got to do some defensive action. you've got to resist the devil and realize what he is doing. if you get up in the morning and you don't run into the devil head on, it means you're already going in the same direction.

2 corinthians 2:11(ms), we don't want to unwittingly give satan an opening for yet more mischief—we're not oblivious to his sly ways!

paul the writer of this letter to the corinthians says, wise up! recognize his tactics. know how he operates.

so how does the devil operate? well, he doesn't stand around with a pitchfork and a red suit, like underwoods deviled ham. no, he plays on our pride. particularly wounded pride. he tells us what we want to hear. he whispers in our ear. he gives us little thoughts, suggestions, ideas.

when you're in the middle of an argument, he starts whispering in your ear, things like, "you don't have to take this stuff. retaliate. who do they think they are? get even. assert yourself! don't put up with this kind of stuff. show 'em who's boss." he tells you all the things your pride would love to hear. but you need to say, "satan, i know that's you." resist him.

so how do you resist the devil? same way JESUS did. he quoted scripture. memorize proverbs 13:10, pride leads to arguments.

the next time you get into an argument, that scripture can be brought to your mind by the LORD and you stop and think, "how am i being prideful here? what am i not willing to compromise? where am i only thinking of myself and not the other person's needs, desires and attitudes?"

there is a great promise here. it says, resist the devil and he will flee from you. you don't have to put up with him. give in to GOD and get wise to satan.

Just some thoughts up here on the front porch...

what's inside will come out...

i don't know if you watch any of the reality shows on tv such as celebrity apprentice or survivor, especially the part when the players talk to the camera. they really can be petty can't they? but what if we brought a camera into your home and saw the way you talk to the people in your home, the people who you and i say we love. what would we see?

well for the most part it is dependent on what is happening inside of you and me and who is in control.

colossians 3.15 (ms) says, let the peace of CHRIST keep you in tune with each other, in step with each other...

when we have the peace of CHRIST in our heart then we'll be at peace with other people. if we don't have this in our life – GOD's peace in our hearts – then we try to manipulate others, try to control them and try to move them around to get what we want out of life.

there was a time in our marriage that margaret and i had a major conflict. it was horrible. we have jokingly said, that we have never contemplated divorce in our life, murder yes. we had three horrible years.

listen, in every marriage there is some kind of power struggle but we finally got to the point that we said to GOD, we can't do it, we have to have you. i was in staff ministry at that time, in a large church in indiana. i was working 90 plus hours a week. i was going to make it no matter what it cost and it about cost my family but it showed me that i needed to change that i was the cause of the conflict so i resigned my job and we moved to indianapolis and GOD started working in me and i started selling domino's pizza and started falling in love with GOD and falling in love with my family. GOD started working in me, changing me.

you see only GOD could change our marriage and it started in me, it started in margaret. you work on you and watch what happens. the starting point of getting along with others, to avoid arguments, is to get peace in your heart through the rule of CHRIST.

give in to GOD. this means you learn to say "THY will be done" instead of saying "me first". that's the difference. when you say, "LORD, whatever you want that's what i want" then the peace process starts.

just some thoughts up here on the front porch...

who is in control here?...

so if pride is the cause of arguments – and that's the case james is making – what is the cure?

the cure for arguments is humility.

james 4.6 & 10 (niv), GOD…gives grace to the humble. humble yourselves before the LORD, and HE will lift you up.

what is grace? grace is GOD's power to change. what would you like to change about yourself? what do you want to change about your relationships, your marriage, your family?

whatever you would like to change, you need grace. you can't change it on your own. you need GOD's power and that's called grace. grace is the power to change and there is only one way you get grace. you humble yourself.

GOD doesn't give grace to people who are full of pride and think, "i can do it on my own." HE gives it when we come and ask, "GOD, i need your help, and that's where we get the power to make the changes we'd like to see.

now in the next few verses, james gives several specific actions that need to be taken in order to stop the fighting. he shows you how to diffuse a conflict, whether it is between you and a kid, you and your wife, husband, you and someone at work.

the first action is in james 4.7 (ms), so let GOD work HIS will in you.

let GOD be GOD in your life. give HIM control. put HIM in charge. yield yourself to HIM. this is the starting point. in other words quit trying to run your own life.

back in james 4.1 (niv) it says, ...your desires that battle within you. james is saying here that conflict that happens with other people happens because you have conflict inside of you. you don't get along with other people because you've got a civil war in your own life. this is the real issue.

so the starting point is you must get peace inside before you can have peace outside. find peace of mind, find peace in your heart.

and the real conflict inside of you is over who's in charge of your life. now if you're in charge, then anytime something comes along that doesn't go the way you want it to go, then you get uptight. you get irritable. you get upset. you want things just the way you want them to go and when they don't go that way, it makes you mad but if GOD's in control, in charge of your life, it doesn't irritate you as much.

let's stop there.

just some thoughts here on my front porch...

HE did it because HE loved...

in dealing with this matter of pride the ONE who had every reason to be proud wasn't. HE lived in the most awesome place that anyone has ever lived in. HE was the most powerful influential being. there wasn't anything HE couldn't do. HE was more creative than anyone but HE gave it all up and died the most horrible death that anyone ever could have died and HE did it because of HIS love for HIS FATHER and for us.

sunday is easter, the day we celebrate that JESUS was not conquered by death but that after 3 days HE came back to conquer death in HIMself, in us and to give us life. now HE didn't do that just to show HE could. that is not what HE did. HE is not a man of pride. HE Is GOD.

now in the next verses in chapter 4, james talks about our potential conflict with God because of pride. pride is one of those sins that JESUS came to earth to take care of through HIS death and resurrection. and pride not only causes conflict with other people but it causes conflict with God.

james 4.4-6 (ms) says, if all you want is your own way, flirting with the world every chance you get, you end up enemies of GOD and HIS way. and do you suppose GOD doesn't care? the proverb has it that "HE's a fiercely jealous lover." and what HE gives in love is far better than anything else you'll find. it's common knowledge that "GOD goes against the willful proud." because of what GOD did through CHRIST HE declared war on selfishness.

have you noticed that GOD has a unique way of engineering circumstances to pop our pride? just about the time you think, "i've got it all together!" HE puts you in your place. if you think you don't need HIM there's no way you're going to win.

so if pride is the cause of arguments – and that's the case james is making "i'm going to have to have my way when i want it, my time, my place" – what is the cure? easter is the cure.

let's stop here and celebrate what CHRIST did.

thanks for stopping up on my porch today. HE did it because HE loved me...

i am the one...

the third desire that leads to arguments is the desire to be. this is pride, power, prominence, popularity. i want to be number one. get on top. be the big shot. strive for success.

we walk around saying, "watch me." little kids say, "watch me, daddy", we say "watch me, everybody", we say it in subtle ways --- watch me by the way i dress, watch me by the kind of clothes i buy, watch me by the kind of car i drive, watch me by the kind of things i stock my house with. it's a desire to impress. it's a desire to be full of pride, to be number one, to impress.

but proverbs 13:10 (lb) says, pride leads to arguments. i like how the message says it, arrogant know-it-alls stir up discord.

so why does pride leads to arguments? well it's because i'm too proud to compromise and that causes conflict.

have you ever been in an argument where you were wrong but you wouldn't admit it. why? because of pride. pride causes arguments. this is the bottom line of all these things. the next time you're in an argument, stop and ask, "is it worth it?"

james tells us that pride – when we think we can do things on our own – causes problems. james 4.2&3 (ms), you wouldn't think of just asking GOD for it, would you? and why not? because you know you'd be asking for what you have no right to. you're spoiled children, each wanting your own way.

here james tells us two reasons why our desires aren't fulfilled. number one: we don't pray. we don't ask GOD. we look to the wrong source. we look to people to fulfill our needs instead of looking to GOD. HE says that HE will meet your needs, just pray. and when we do pray, we usually pray with the wrong motive. we ask things in a selfish way.

philippians 4:19 (ms), you can be sure that GOD will take care of everything you need, HIS generosity exceeding even yours in the glory that pours from JESUS. if we'll ask in prayer, but we'd rather fight than pray. we'd rather argue about something than go look to the LORD for the answer.

when i'm upset with my wife, the last thing on my mind is prayer. we're not thinking about that but james says, that's the problem. we look to others instead of looking to GOD and that causes conflicts. we'd rather try to work it out ourselves.

prayerlessness in itself is an evidence of pride. james says we'd have a lot more peace if we'd just pray more. we'd have a lot less to worry about, a lot less to argue about, a lot less to fight over if we just prayed more.

just some thought from a rainy front porch....

but i deserve to do it...

now another desire that can lead to arguments is the desire to feel good. i want to feel good. i want to be comfortable. i want to have my senses satisfied. james 4.3 (nlt) says, you want only what will give you pleasure. there is a desire for possessions and there is this desire for pleasure.

now i know that many who don’t follow CHRIST believe that we who are CHRIST followers cannot enjoy life. but the truth is GOD says it is not wrong to enjoy life and in fact…1 timothy 6:17 says that, GOD…provides us with everything for our enjoyment. but the problem is when pleasure becomes the number one goal in your life – if it feels good, do it – you're asking for conflict. it's going to cause problems in your life.

when my pleasure takes the place over what is needful, then we're in trouble. many fights in homes happen when one person wants to play when things need to be done. a lot of arguments happen on saturday. they also happen on sunday and the proverbial it’s the only day i can sleep in so i don’t want to get up and go to church.

and there is the, i'm more interested in my comfort than i am in yours and all i think about is what makes me feel good. the desire to feel good creates conflict.

the desire to have and the desire to feel good are two of the desires that when they are thwarted cause conflict. why do you think people argue about sex in marriage? the desire for pleasure is strong and when it's thwarted, resentment builds up.

how many arguments in your life this week came about because you wanted to do something but the other person wanted to do something else. the i worked hard today so i get to do what i want. i deserve to do what i want.

GOD want us to enjoy life but HE also knows that your desire to feel good can cause and has caused arguments in your life.

just some thoughts up here on my front porch…

i really have to have it...

now in this matter of arguments coming from each one wanting what they want or as the new international version of james 4.1 says, fights and quarrels…come from your desires… so a good question would be, what are some of these wants or desires?

well the bible makes very clear here and other places in scripture that there are three basic desires we have that cause conflict. these desires are legitimate desires unless they're out of control. they are GOD given desires but when you put them above other people, when they become number one in your life, they will cause conflict. so what are they?

one of them is the desire to have. i am never satisfied, i have to have more. james 4.2 (ms), you lust for what you don't have and…you want what isn't yours.

now GOD in his love for us created things to be used and to be enjoyed by us. HIS plan is for us to use those things and to love people. but the problem is when we start loving things we mess up everything. we start loving things and using people – manipulating them, controlling them, moving them around to get what we want because things become more important in our life. and when this desire to have becomes number one in our life that creates conflict.

it is not by accident that gallup says that over 56% of all marriages that end in divorce end because of money problems. things become a battleground.

but here is the problem. i am reading a book published by mcgraw hill called influencer – the power to change anything – and it tells of a study by dr. daniel gilbert. it seems he found that "most research subjects strongly believe that another $30,000 a year in income would make them much happier. and that adding a 30-minute walk to their daily routine would be of trivial import. and yet dr. gilbert’s research suggests that the added income is far less likely to produce an increase in happiness than the addition of a regular walk."

we, americans, have come to think the constitution says, "life, liberty and the purchase of happiness." but the thrill wears off and all of the things that we have worked so hard to get don’t make us happy anymore.

the book influencer concludes that "the average human being is actually quite bad at predicting what he or she should do in order to be happier, and this inability to predict keeps people from, well, being happier." in other words we fight over things that will not make us happier with the people GOD has put into our lives to make us happier. we have it all backwards don’t we?

listen, GOD has a better way for us.

just some thoughts up here on my front porch…

i want it, no matter what...

it would be really interesting to know what percentage of people who will read this particular blog will have had an argument in the last 24 hours. now i am not a mentalist like patrick jane on cbs tv but i have had 61 years of experience and my guess is 100%.

here in the beginning of chapter 4, james deals with both the causes and the cures for arguments. and because it is a reality in our lives we need to look at what he has to say on how to avoid them.

now in my years of ministry i have found that one of the most common complaints from people is "we just can't seem to get along. we argue so much. we love each other. but why is it we have major blowups over such minor issues?"

i have talked with parents who say, "with my kids there is a constant tension. i don't understand why we're always in an argumentative mode."

now james doesn't beat around the bush. he gets right to the point. he doesn't waste any time.
verse 1 (ms), where do you think all these…quarrels come from? do you think they just happen? think again. they come about because you want your own way, and fight for it... james says they come from each one wanting their own way. when what i want conflicts with what you want then sparks are going to fly.

conflict starts early in life, even before you could talk. have you noticed that a baby, if their needs are not instantly taken care of, they let you know? you can argue even if you don't know how to talk. i was reading on facebook yesterday about a good friend of mine and her conflict with her 7 month old baby and i commented that i was glad i was a grandparent.

marriage has built in conditions for conflict. think about the things you expected of your spouse before you got married – how idealistic and unrealistic you were about marriage. what a rude awakening that was, the day you woke up!

all marriages go through three stages: stage one, happy honeymoons; stage two, the party's over; stage three, let's make a deal. and at stage three you have to learn how to handle arguments because they're going to happen. what you want is going to conflict over what I want. there are going to be conflicting desires. frustrated feeling cause fights.

so in the argument that you had in the last 24 hours what personal want did you have that you were willing to fight for and then was it worth the potential harm in your relationship with the other person?

that may be a good place to start.

just some thoughts up here on my front porch…

don't be dumb, be wise...

relationships are so important especially in these difficult days. people are what are going to last not stuff. but we worry more about our stuff than about our friends and family. and that is dumb. listen there is nothing that you can't face and handle if you have the support of people around you. but satan causes us to believe the lie that we don’t need anybody and that stuff is what is going to give us security and happiness. and again i say, "that is dumb."

let's look at the checklist on wisdom that james gives here in james 3:17 (niv)? but the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.

let me ask you some important questions. do you compromise your integrity? do you use people, manipulate them and use them for things you want? do you tend to antagonize anger? you’re always saying things that tick people off. you know if you say it, it will push their hot button but you do it anyway. that is dumb. james says that is dumb. it's not being wise. if i'm wise i won't antagonize your anger.

if i'm wise i won't minimize your feelings. feelings are neither right nor wrong, they're just feelings. when margaret, my wife has a feeling it's valid. whether it's logical or not, whether it makes sense or not the fact is she feels it. the same is true of me. if i'm wise i will not minimize it.

can your kids make suggestions to you? can your husband make suggestions to you? or your wife? if i'm wise i won't emphasize your mistakes. i don't rub it in, i rub it out. if i'm wise i don't try to disguise my feelings.

so how do i get wisdom? how do i become one of those wise people in relationships so that i have that peace that james talks about? do i need to make a new year’s resolution – today i'm going to be wise! no.

now this is the difference between knowledge and wisdom. knowledge comes from education, wisdom comes from GOD. to get knowledge, look around. to get wisdom you look up. knowledge comes from reason. wisdom comes from revelation. knowledge is something you learn. wisdom is a gift.

james 1:5 (tev) says, but if any of you lack wisdom, you should pray to GOD, who will give it to you. wisdom is a gift from GOD. leading up to this move we have made to retire and move to long island, i have sometimes asked GOD fifty times in a day for wisdom, GOD give me wisdom. you should pray to GOD, who will give it to you; because GOD gives generously and graciously to all. if i'm loving and wise, i'm going to make it in life. if you're loving and wise you're going to make it in life.

base your life on those things that will last and if you do that will show you are wise.

just some thoughts up here on the front porch…

i'm going to be real...

a mark of a wise person is they don't try to hide and disguise their own weaknesses. james 3.17 (niv), wisdom is…impartial and sincere. the message says, it is not two-faced.

in the greek theater they often would have just a couple or three actors playing an entire play. these people would change parts. they would hold masks in front of their faces. one person would have five or six different masks and parts and that person, that actor, was called a hypocrite. they have all kinds of masks.

james says if you're smart and wise, you're not phoney. you don't wear masks, and try to be something you're not. i used to tell the people in the church i pastored that if you are perfect we are not the church for you. this is for real people, with real sins, real hang ups, real faults, real emotional problems, real family problems.

real wise people are honest and open, they're not phony. they're genuine. they're real and authentic. "what you see is what you get" with a really wise person. they don't attain or pretend perfection.

if i'm wise i'm not going to disguise my weaknesses. there are so many phony relationships today. people try to be something they're not.

the number one place you see it is in single's bars. phony relationships. where else in our society do you offer to buy something for a total stranger? phony! trying to be something you're not.

proverbs 28:13 (tev), you will never succeed in life if you try to hide your sins. it's dumb to pretend that you're perfect, that you've got it all together because nobody does.

when you start telling people your weaknesses they are not going to be shocked because they already know. everybody knows your weaknesses. you're the only one who won't admit it. we see each other's weaknesses all the time. why do we walk around pretending that we don't know? we do. it's obvious to everyone. but we don't want to admit it.

if i'm wise i won't disguise my weaknesses. people appreciate honesty, being gut level and sharing where they are. it also helps them to be more open. they might be struggling with it too.

just some thoughts up here on the front porch…

we all make mistakes...

a wise person won't emphasize other people’s mistakes. and we all make mistakes even those who are dumb enough to always emphasize other people’s mistakes make mistakes.

james 3.17 (niv) says, wisdom is...full of mercy and good fruit.

do you jump on people every time they blunder, every time they blow it and fumble it? do you always use everybody in your family as the butt of your jokes? that is dumb.

wisdom is full of mercy. i won't emphasize your mistakes.

do you ever let people go or do you keep hounding their past mistakes? do you hold them in leverage and they never can be set free even if they have asked for forgiveness? "remember the time you did…" you're always holding on and bringing up the past for leverage. that's dumb. if i'm wise, i won't emphasize your mistakes. i'll be full of mercy. i'll give you what you need, not what you deserve.

two guys at a convention with their wives. they were long, lost friends. they hadn't seen each other for a number of years so they sat in the lobby all night talking. now they knew they would be in trouble with their wives but they just kept on talking. finally they went back to their rooms.

the next morning they happened to see each other and the one asked, "what did your wife think?" the other guy said, "well when i walked in the room my wife got all historical." don't you mean hysterical." no historical. she told me everything that i had ever done wrong."

proverbs 17.9 (ms), overlook an offense and bond a friendship; fasten on to a slight and—good-bye, friend!

if you're wise you don't rub it in, you rub it out. you don't hold it over their heads, you forget it. when somebody stumbles, you don't judge them, you encourage them. we don't need judgment, we need encouragement when we stumble.

are you that way at home? if somebody forgets something – forgets to fill the car with gas and you run out on the freeway, somebody forgets to bring the mail in, how are you? how do you handle that? do you rub it in or do you rub it out? the wise thing is to not emphasize the mistake.

wisdom is full of mercy and good fruit. good fruit is kind actions, it's something you do. you don't just show sympathy, you don't just say, "i feel for you… you brought it on yourself." you do something about it. you take action, it's a kindness. it's being a doer of the word.

james 2:12 (ms), kind mercy wins over harsh judgment every time. mercy is a greater principle than judging.

james says, a wise person won't emphasize another person’s mistakes.

just some thoughts up here on the front porch…

i need your suggestions...

james 3. 17 (niv) says, wisdom is…reasonable.

so a wise person won't criticize other people’s decisions/suggestions. you are dumb if you are always critical. that is not wise.

a wise person can learn from anybody. he's not defensive. he's open to reason. he's not stubborn. he's willing to listen and learn.

are you a reasonable person? can your kids reason with you? how about those people at work? the bible says if you're wise, you're reasonable, you're opened to suggestions.

a dumb person would say, "don't confuse me with the facts' i've made up my mind. when i want your opinion, i'll give it to you." a wise person does not antagonize your anger, does not minimize your feelings and does not criticize your suggestions.

there are so many people who are so insecure that they will never allow anyone to suggest anything. they are responsible so it seems like it is their job to be unreasonable. but a wise person understands that GOD knows that you can’t see all sides to any situation so HE gives you people around you - husband, wife, kids, family, workers, friends - who see different sides and will help you in making the best decision. but the truth is some people would rather do it their way and be wrong than take suggestions and do it the best way and that is not GOD’s way.

so don't be defensive. listen, most of us are way too sensitive, we are over sensitive. if somebody makes a suggestion we take it as a personal criticism and we're defensive. james says that's dumb. a wise person can learn from anybody.

if you're wise you'll be open to suggestions. don't criticize, don't get defensive. proverbs 12:15, fools are headstrong and do what they like; wise people take advice.

if it's true, listen and learn from it. if it's false, ignore it and forget it. if i'm wise i'll be open to reason. i won't criticize your suggestions, i'll listen to them.

just some thoughts up here on the front porch…

i have feelings too...

there are so many dumb things that we do in our relationships. but james gives a checklist of the things that a wise person does in his relationships. here he gives another one. james 1.17 (niv), the wisdom that comes from heaven is…considerate.

wisdom is considerate and "considerate" means "mindful of the feelings of others." so a person who is wise won't minimize other people’s feelings. I won’t minimize your feelings.

now it is so easy sometimes to put you down because your feelings are different from mine. We think, i don't feel the way you feel then your feelings must be invalid or illogical or irrational or dumb. but james says that wisdom is considerate and gentle. he says, wise people are considerate, they don't minimize other people's feelings. if i'm wise i will not minimize your feelings. i don't have to accept them but i can understand them.

proverbs 15:4 (tev), kind words bring life, but cruel words crush your spirit. that is so true isn't it?

typically when we react to people's emotions we say things that hurt. often we belittle the feeling. we put down or we play psychologist. "i know why you feel that way?" or " you have no right to those feelings." we're condescending toward people.

listen feelings aren’t wrong, they are just feelings and everyone has feelings. now most of the time we judge people’s feelings based on our feelings but everyone is different and in a relationship it is wise to stop long enough and listen and then you will understand more how the other person feels. and our feelings are important to each one of us so if i am important to you then how i feel is important to you. right? right!

if i'm wise in my relationships i will not minimize your feelings. i'll be considerate.

do you ever play this game? my day can beat your day. husband comes home worn out and starts complaining, "the traffic was bad, my boss got upset, the heat wouldn't work and i froze." wife says, "oh, yeah? junior dunked the cat down the toilet, the beans burned…"

the fact is they both had a rough day. wisdom is considerate. allow your spouse to be tired without having to say, "i'm more tired than you are." the fact is, you're both tired. if you are wise you'll be aware.

just some thoughts up here on the front porch…

let's get along...

james 3.17 (ms) says that real wisdom, GOD's wisdom…is characterized by getting along with others.

listen, a person who is wise will not antagonize other’s anger, they will strive to get along with people.

let me ask you a personal, pointed question. do you have a tendency to make people angry? then you are dumb, you are not wise. wise people work at maintaining harmony. they're not always looking for a fight.

have you ever met someone who is always arguing, always looking for a fight?

i heard about a guy who was so argumentative that he would only eat food that disagreed with him.

proverbs 20.3 (tev), any fool can start arguments. the wise thing is to stay out of them.

do you know what causes arguments? if you're wise you know so you can avoid them. three things that cause arguments…

1. comparing. "you're just like…", "why can't you be like…", "when i was your age…" you're asking for a fight. "my first husband…" 2 corinthians 10:12 says it's unwise to compare.

2. condemning. "it's all your fault." "you should be ashamed." you lay on the guilt. "you always." "you never," "you ought to," "you should…," "you shouldn't".

someone said, "you can bury your marriage with a lot of little digs."

3. contradicting. how do you like to be interrupted in the middle of a sentence? it's irritating.
james says if you are wise you don't sweat the small stuff. williams james says, "the secret of wisdom is knowing what to overlook." some things are just not worth the fight. wisdom is getting along with people.

if i'm smart, if i'm wise in relationships, i won't antagonize your anger.

proverbs 14:29 (lb), a wise man controls his temper. he knows that anger causes mistakes.

how many of you have done something stupid in anger? anger causes mistakes.

just some thoughts up here on the front porch…

i have to be honest...

now james moves from the tongue back to wisdom and he asks a good question. chapter 3 verse 13 (ms) the question, do you want to be counted wise, to build a reputation for wisdom? here's what you do: live well, live wisely, live humbly. it's the way you live, not the way you talk, that counts.

i love the bible. it not only asks the right questions, the questions i have deep inside of me but it also has the right answers. i don't want to be dumb in my relationships so how can i know if i'm wise in how i relate to people? james in 3.17 (niv) but the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure…

pure, what does pure mean? well, pure here means, uncorrupted, authentic. over in 1 john 3:3 this word is used to refer to CHRIST's character. his integrity.

so a person who is wise will not compromise his integrity. if i am really genuine, if i'm wise, i'm not going to lie to you, i'm not going to cheat you, i'm not going to manipulate you, i'm not going to be deceitful. i'll be a person of integrity because all relationships are built on trust and respect.

i 've never understood how the other woman in an adulterous relationship can really trust the man who cheated on his wife. now to me that is dumb. i've never understood why we should trust a politician or pastor who cheats on his partner. how can i have a relationship with someone who cheated me in some financial scheme? i can't. it is dumb. how can i as a child have a good relationship with my parents when they always go back on their promises? how can i really have a strong relationship with my husband or wife when they never do what they say they will do. they just keep putting me off. they are not people of their word.

listen, if you don't have honesty who's going to trust you? if you don't have honesty who's going to respect you? you have to have integrity in your life.

dr. leonard keeler, the man who invented the lie detector, tested 25,000 people and came to the conclusion that people are basically dishonest.

proverbs 10.9 (ms) honesty lives confident and carefree. an honest person is not afraid of being found out because he doesn't say one thing to one group and something else to another group.

someone said, "no one has a good enough memory to be an habitual liar." eventually you are going to slip up.

if you've got integrity you've got confidence, you can walk securely in your relationships. you know you're not putting people on. if i'm wise i will not compromise my integrity.

just some thoughts up here on the front porch…