forgivness isn’t resuming a relationship without changes. this is one of the most misunderstood concepts about forgiveness. forgiveness is not the same as restoring a relationship.
some of you are afraid to forgive because you’re afraid you’re going to have to go back with that person. and you’ll have to be their best friend again or you’ll have to remarry them or whatever.
no, restoring relationship and forgiveness are two different things, the bible teaches. forgiveness is instant. trust must be built over a long period of time. the bible says that those are two different things. forgiveness takes care of the damage done. it just lets the person off the hook. you let them go – scott free. but it doesn’t guarantee that the relationship will be restored. those are two different issues.
forgiveness is your part in reconciliation, when you forgive the offender who’s hurt you. but for a relationship to be restored, the offender has to do three other things that are totally unrelated to forgiveness.
one, demonstrate genuine repentance. they have to show that they’re genuinely sorry before the relationship can be rebuilt. genuine repentance, and that means a change in their lifestyle.
two, they have to make restitution whenever possible for the damage done.
three, the offender must rebuild your trust by proving they have changed over time.
those are totally different from forgiveness. if somebody repeatedly wrongs you over and over – let’s say somebody in your family or work or a former friend or a former spouse – somebody who repeatedly offends you over and over and over. you’re obligated by GOD to forgive that person over and over and over. but you are not obligated to trust that person or instantly restore the relationship.
example: an abusive alcoholic spouse batters his wife or her husband and does it repeatedly over and over until finally the spouse says, “no more! you’re harming me. you’re harming the kids. you’re out of here.” and they come back and they say, “i’m so sorry. i’m ashamed of what i’ve done. please forgive me. will you forgive me?” you are obligated as a CHRISTian to say, “yes, i do forgive you.” then they say, “ok! so i can come back home?” that’s another story! you have to prove the trust.
do you understand the difference between trust and forgiveness? it takes more than forgiveness to build a relationship. it takes trust. and trust is built over time. they say, “but wait! you’ve forgiven me. can’t we just go back to the way things were?” no. trust must be rebuilt.
so forgiveness starts by making a choice. forgiveness is not conditional. it is not minimizing the offense and saying it’s no big deal. and it’s not resuming a relationship automatically. just saying, ok, everything’s back to normal because you’re forgiven without any change.
just a thought from the front porch…
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