rejection…

the apostle paul is in prison and he is lonely and he is writing his 2nd letter to timothy.  and in chapter 4 he give us some thoughts on how to deal with loneliness.  a lot of times we bring loneliness upon ourselves.  but it’s the uncontrollable kind that we’re looking at here on the front porch.

first of all paul shows us 4 causes of loneliness.  you can go back and look at transitions, separation and opposition.  and then there is rejection.  when you feel you’ve been betrayed, forsaken, abandoned.

paul felt deserted.  when things got tough everybody deserted him.  he went for his defense before nero and he said in verse 16 (niv), at my first defense no one came to my support.  here’s one of the greatest CHRISTians in history, no one came to his support.  but everyone deserted me.  paul goes on trial; no one is going to speak up in his defense.  everybody copped out.  you don't see any pity party.  paul doesn’t say, “i’ve spent thirty years in the ministry and this is what i get?”

rejection is the most devastating form of hurt.  the bible teaches that we have emotional needs.  one of our greatest emotional needs is the need to be accepted.  when that need is not fulfilled, when that need is violated, the bible calls that sin.  rejection, when you feel like everybody is going against you.  i think that’s why divorce is so painful.  i think that’s why GOD hates adultery.  It’s a rejection.

loneliness is so painful that people will try anything to relieve it.  they take drugs, they get drunk.  they go to a computerized dating service.  you name it!  i heard about one guy who went to a psychiatrist and asked for a split personality so he would have somebody to live with.

just a thought from the front porch…

three crisis point words…

jacob begins the road home when four significant things start to turn his life in the right direction.  

1.         he begins to follow GOD’s direction in his life. 

2.         he begins to recognize GOD’s protection. 

3.         jacob begins to recognize GOD’s blessing.  in genesis 31.42 (niv) he says to laban, if the GOD of my father, the GOD of abraham and isaac had not been with me, you would surely have sent me away empty handed.  it’s not his schemes anymore that are getting the credit.  for one of the first times he’s able to say, “i know if GOD hadn’t been there, the blessings wouldn’t have been there either.”  he’s starting to turn the corner.  he’s starting to head the right way in his life. 

4.         he admits his fear.  all of his life he had been afraid.  that’s why he ran from esau.  he was afraid of being killed.  that’s why he never confronted laban.  he was afraid of being rejected.  he was afraid of losing his wives, afraid of losing his flocks and his prosperity.  all of his life although he had met GOD at bethel and GOD said, “I’m going to bless your life, you can count on it”, he had run in fear.  that fear had made him into a manipulator and deceiver. 

so laban comes and confronts him and says, “why have you done this?  why have you taken the flocks?  why have you taken my children?”  chapter 31.31(nic) three crisis point words, jacob answers laban “i was afraid.”  he admits it.  this is a man, who probably never had a day go by when he wasn’t filled with fear, who admits his fear. 

those four things allow him to begin to turn the corner.

just a thought from the front porch…

a result of being rejected…

some may relate to what caused jacob to feel like he was unworthy or he wouldn’t get it.  you see, he had to find a way to get it for himself. 

remember, here’s a guy who grew up as the cook in the household while his older brother is the hunter.  here’s a man who grows up with his mother loving him and his father loving his older brother.  do you think that might have caused a few psychological problems?  possibly!  it certainly had to make him feel rejected. 

if you have ever been rejected by somebody that you love, you know what jacob must have felt like.  and one of the results of that was the feeling of unworthiness, a feeling of “i wonder if i can trust GOD to love me.” 

so jacob’s going to spend many, many years learning that GOD does love him.  because of what he went through as a child and as an adult he becomes an “i have to get it myself” kind of man.  he becomes the person of whenever GOD wants to offer him something he feels like “there’s got to be a catch in this.” 

do you ever feel this way about grace?  GOD wants to forgive me of every sin.  HE wants to take me to heaven for eternity.  and i’m just supposed to say, “i need you, your forgiveness.  i trust you.” 

but there are many of you in your honest moments who would say, “where’s the catch?  there’s got to be something more.  there’s got to be something more when we get to heaven.  there is a catch here somewhere.”  but there’s not!  it’s grace. 

so jacob flees to haran and as he flees he’s going to be hearing two voices on the way there.  and he’ll hear them for the next twenty years. 

he’ll hear the voice of his past saying to him, “you can’t.  you’re unworthy.  it won’t work.  you’ve got to get it yourself.”  then he’s going to begin to hear the voice of GOD saying, “i can.  i will.  maybe you’re not worthy but I can and I’m willing to work in your life.” 

and those two voices are going to clash.  it’s going to take him twenty years to sort out whose voice he should listen to.  but i hope it doesn’t take you that long.  but for some of you it has.  maybe today, maybe recently, you’re going to sort out which voice to listen to. 

just a thought from the front porch…

life, happiness and approval…

no matter who rejects me, GOD never will.  psalm 27.10 (niv), even if my mother and father forsake me, the LORD will receive me.  even those who brought me into this world, even if they reject me, the LORD won't. 

some of you may still be trying to win your parents' approval. you never could get it growing up.  let me say, if your parents rejected you growing up, it wasn't your problem, it was their problem.  parents are not to reject their kids.  so it's not your problem, it's their problem.  maybe it was because they were rejected and they're just turning it on somebody else.  many of you, even as adults, are still trying to win your parents' approval in many and varied different ways.  the truth is, if you haven't got it by now you may never get it.  you probably won't. some of you have had parents who've died and there's no way they can give you their approval. 

i’d say, you won't get it but it doesn't matter.  you don't need it.  you don't need it to be happy.  it says, even if my mother and father forsake me, the LORD will receive me. your happiness does not depend on other people. 

have you been looking to other people to meet a need that only GOD can satisfy?  watch out!  you're headed for trouble.  are you looking to others to meet a need that only GOD can satisfy?  have you been living to please the wrong person?  GOD wants to be your light and your salvation.  HE knows everything about you and HE still loves you.  JESUS CHRIST paid for your sins so you can be acceptable to GOD. you can be forgiven.  i would encourage you to simplify your life by saying, “i’m going to concentrate on GOD’s approval.  that’s what counts.  i’m going to concentrate on GOD’s approval.  i want my life to be pleasing to HIM.  i want to stand at the end of my life and hear him say, well done, thou good and faithful servant.”

how do i get GOD’s approval?  there is only one way.  there are not many ways.  there is only one way the bible says to get GOD’s approval.  hebrews 11.2 says it is by faith we win GOD’s approval.  we accept HIS love and what HE’s done for us.  we trust our lives to HIM.  if you’ve never done that, would you do that right now?  would you say, “GOD, i want to switch the focus of my life starting here from living for the approval of other people – boyfriend, boss, husband, wife, family, kids, popular people, people next door – and i want to focus on YOUr approval and i want to have YOUr approval by putting my faith in YOU and trusting what JESUS CHRIST has done for me.  i want to give my life to YOU.” say that in your heart.  “yes, LORD, i want to trust YOU and commit myself to YOU.”

just a thought from the front porch…

unique and valuable…

you don't realize how unique and valuable you are.  none of us do.  the reason you are so vulnerable to the fear of rejection is because you're full of self-doubt.  that's why when criticized by another person, deep down inside, you have the doubt and fear that they're right.  so it hurts even more. 

the effect of sin is always insecurity.  the more we sin, the more insecure we become.  somebody ignores you at a party and you say, “they must not like me!”  no, maybe they just didn't even see you were there.  but because you were seeing through the eyes of fear you're vulnerable. 

i heard a story this week where a woman was standing at a bus stop.  a lady from her church walked up and said nothing to her. she thought, “she must be mad at me.  she's upset with me.  she must not like me.  therefore i don't like her.”  they both got on the bus and about five minutes later the lady looked over and saw her and said, “oh, i'm sorry.  i didn't see you here.”  and she started talking.  she said, “i was just consumed with my own pain.  i just came from the doctor and found that my son has leukemia.” 

when we look at life through the eyes of fear, we don't see other people in their pain.  we only see our fear.  we miss opportunities to minister to others.  we can only see ourselves and what victims we are.  we must look and see the pain of others and give our lives away as JESUS said. 

just a thought from the front porch…

new levels of your potential…

when GOD called me to plant a church in las vegas, HE gave me a clear vision of the style it was to be.  over the 15 years i was there, i had many, many critical comments saying we should do different things.  people out of liturgical churches say, “why don't we say the LORD’s prayer and take communion every week?” people out of charismatic churches say, “why don't we speak in tongues and have healing lines and raise our hands?”  and people from fundamentalist churches say, “why don't we have a come-to‑the-front altar call and use hymnbooks?”  if i’d listened to every advice, we would have been a mess.  we would have been a hodgepodge of everything.  you can’t please everybody.  so you just have to say, “what does GOD want us to do?”

it says in romans 8.31 (niv), if GOD is for us, who can be against us?  the lie is that i’ve got to be approved by other people in order to feel good about myself.  that's not true.  the truth is i don’t need the approval of others to be happy.  if you can grasp that truth – if GOD be for us, who can be against us – it doesn't matter, you will be released to new levels of developing your potential.  put GOD in first place; put people in their place. 

i like the prayer from lloyd ogleby:  “secure in GOD’s love, i will not surrender my self-worth to the opinions and judgments of others.  when i’m rejected, i will not retaliate.  when i’m hurt i will allow GOD to heal me.  and knowing the pain of rejection, i will seek to love those who suffer from its anguish.” 

i like the first part –  “secure in GOD’s love, i will not surrender my self-worth to the opinions and judgments of others.”  if GOD be for us, who can be against us.

just a thought from the front porch…

affected not directed…

the number one fear they say nationally that people have is the fear of speaking in front of other people.  why?  because of the fear of rejection.  speech experts tell you that the way you get rid of the fear of speaking in front of others is to humanize your audience –  put them in their place in other words.  they're just people.  humanize them.  the tips in many books say, “when you’re afraid of a crowd, imagine everybody sitting there in their underwear.”  honestly, as a pastor, i never used that technique.  but i do see the point behind it.  you've got to put people in their place.

i think the bible has a better alternative.  it says, “who are you trying to please, GOD or man?”  i would suggest that the way to overcome the fear of rejection is to live your life for an audience of one. when i walked in as a pastor to speak i would say, “GOD, i'm not doing this for anybody here.  i want to say this for YOU.  i want to present this message as a living sacrifice to YOU for an audience of one.”  that's what it means to overcome the fear of rejection.

romans 8.31 (niv), if GOD is for us, who can be against us?  if you recognize how much GOD is for you, it gives you the ability to withstand tremendous rejection.  can you ever come to the place in your life where you are not affected by the opinions of others?  can you ever come to that point?  my honest answer is no.  i don't think so.  i don't think you can ever come to the point in your life where you're not affected by others' opinions. but i do think you can come to the point in life where you're not directed by others' opinions.  you will always be affected, but you don't have to be directed.  sometimes people will say the meanest things to you.  and it hurts.  but it doesn't direct you.

just a thought from the front porch…

popularity, fame, applause…

for some people, all that matters is popularity.  all that matters is fame.  for some people, all that matters is applause. how do other people think about me?  what do they think about me? all that matters is how do i look to everybody else?  image is everything.  if you live that way, you are at the mercy of everybody else's judgments.  if they think i’m a loser, i must be a loser!  if they think i'm a dork, i must be a dork!  i don't want to live that way, do you? 

you don't have to live that way!  GOD never intended for you to have to live that way.  HE says, “what are you listening to them for?  they're just mortal men.  I’m the one that counts.  they are no more enduring than grass.”  fame doesn't last.  if you live your life just to be famous, just to get your picture on the cover of the rolling stone you may get it there once and from there it's all downhill.  today's hero, tomorrow's zero.  how many people have been on the cover of people magazine five years ago and you don't even know where they are today?  even a year ago?  fame is so fleeting and so fickle it is a lousy thing to live for.  it makes life miserable.  you don't have to live that way.

galatians 1.10 (niv), am i now trying to win the approval of men or of GOD?  if i were still trying to please men, i would not be a servant of CHRIST.  paul says his goal in life is to please GOD, not men.  he says i have a choice.  i can choose whether i'm going to live for the applause of GOD or the applause of men. who are you more interested in pleasing?  the crowd or GOD?  he's saying you can't seek the approval of both at the same time. you've got to decide who am i trying to impress? 

just a thought from the front porch…

put people in their place…

in overcoming the fear of rejection, i must put GOD in first place and also put people in their place.

that doesn't mean to drop kick them into the next county.  i'm talking about putting their opinions in the right place, having the right perspective.  not overvaluing what they say. 

isaiah 51.12 (tev), the LORD says, “I’m the one who strengthens you. why then should you fear mortal man who is no more enduring that the grass?”  HE’s saying everybody's temporary.  HE’s saying, “why are you afraid of other people’s opinions.  other people are not GOD.  their opinions aren't going to last anyway.”  the secret of success is to outlast your critics, keep on going.  HE says if mortal man puts you down, don't worry about it, HE, GOD is the one who counts.  don't assume that when other people make judgments or criticisms on your life, that they're infallible, because, most likely, they're not. they're going to make mistakes. 

don't assume that their judgments are straight from GOD.  if somebody comes up and criticizes you, you don't have to automatically accept it.  you ought to judge it for what it's worth. 

why am i saying this?  when people's approval becomes all-important to you, you're setting yourself up to be afraid.  you're setting yourself up.

just a thought from the front porch…

not passive but assertive…

in overcoming the fear of rejection i realize that the LORD is my light and salvation, not anybody else.  i don't look for anybody else to brighten up my day.  i don't look for anybody else to save my life.  the LORD is my life.  HE's my salvation.  so i'm not going to be afraid. 

what does HE save me from?  psalm 119.39-42 (tev), save me from the insults i fear.  i want to obey your commands.  show me how much YOU love me, LORD.  then i can answer those who insult me.  david is being rejected here.  he said, LORD, i need to be saved, not just into heaven but i need to be saved from the insults i fear.  i need to be saved from what other people think about me. i'm worried about what other people think and i'm afraid of being rejected.  he says, i want to obey your commands but if i obey your commands other people may think i'm stupid.  if i live the life GOD wants me to live, they may think i'm a JESUS freak or fanatic.  so, GOD, show me how much YOU love me.  there is no fear in love.  perfect love casts out all fear.  GOD loves me.  if GOD loves me, i can handle any other rejection. 

here's the key to assertiveness.  everybody wants to be more assertive today so they're not passive.  the key to assertiveness is not to psych yourself up, not to be aggressive and live in a selfish way, but to understand how deeply GOD loves you.  when you understand, when that really sinks in, how deeply GOD loves you – GOD loves me, i like me, if you don't like me that's your problem!  HE's saying you've got to learn that GOD loves us.

2 timothy 2.15 (ph), for yourself, concentrate on winning GOD's approval.  that simplifies life.  you can't please everybody. you get one group pleased and the other group gets mad at you. you get another group pleased and this group over here gets mad at you.  even GOD can't please everybody.  one person wants it to rain, and other person wants the sun to shine.  who's GOD going to please?  so you'd be a fool to try to do it.  the secret of simplifying life is saying, “i’m going to do what pleases GOD.  if i do that it sure simplifies life.  and if i please GOD, it's always the right thing to do. it doesn't matter what anybody else thinks.” 

overcoming the fear of rejection – put GOD in first place.

just a thought from the front porch…

GOD and rejection…

psalm 27.1 (tev), the LORD is my light and my salvation.  i will fear no one. 

HE is my salvation.  david knew that no matter what happened, GOD would always love him.  the bible says nothing can separate me from the love of GOD.  the bible says, I will never leave you nor forsake you.  it doesn't matter if somebody else rejects you, GOD won't.  GOD will always love you.  HE will always accept you. 

now your fear of rejection is based and rooted in two things.  one is the idea that we all need to be loved.  that's a fact.  we do.  we all desperately need massive doses of love in our life to be healthy individuals.  and GOD says, “i want to love you.”  GOD is love. 

you need to be loved.  that is a deep profound need that you have.  we all have that need to be loved. but what causes the fear of rejection is the false idea that we think that other people ought to be able to fully meet that need in our lives.  when you expect somebody else to meet all your need for love, you're asking for trouble.  you're setting yourself up for hurt.  you're setting yourself for the fear of rejection.  when you look to any other person besides GOD to meet all your love needs, they can't.  there is no human being alive that can meet all your needs.  there is no human being alive that can love you as completely and as fully as you need to be loved. there's just isn't and there never will be.  only GOD can do that.

one step in overcoming the fear of rejection is you've got to put GOD in first place because HE's the only one who can ultimately meet all your needs. 

does GOD ever use other people?  sure.  does GOD ever love us through other people?  of course.  does GOD want us to love others?  yes.  does HE want to use us as channels of love? absolutely. 

but, you will never have all your needs met by any person or group of people.  GOD never meant it to be that way.  they just don't have enough love.  human love is limited.  GOD’s love is unlimited, unconditional.  no matter how deep your need is, HE can fill it.  and HE never runs dry.  human beings run dry. 

just a thought from the front porch…

approval addicts…

we're in a society that produces approval addicts.  “what do other people think?”  that’s the ultimate question.  what will other people think of me?  the bible says that is a trap. 

proverbs 29.25 (niv), the fear of man will prove to be a snare.  but whoever trusts in the LORD is kept safe.  when you worry about what other people think, you're headed for trouble. 

so how do we develop this fear of rejection?  simple.  from experience because you've been rejected.  it's that easy.  some of those hurts that you've had from people rejecting you, you've never gotten over.  you can get the fear of rejection from all directions - your marriage, your family, your parents, at school, at work, from former friends, from disappointments, from criticisms, from a look.  have you ever seen a look kill somebody?  have you ever seen a parent manipulate a kid with an eyebrow?  the fear of rejection!

and it affects every area of your life so how do you overcome it?  well for one you must put GOD in first place.

psalm 27.1 (niv), the LORD is my light and my salvation.  i will fear no one.  GOD is my light.

what does light do? 

light illuminates.  i see things more clearly.  most people are more afraid when it's dark than when it's light.  have you ever been in one of those caverns where they turn the lights out and show you total darkness?  it's not a fun feeling.  david said, when i’m confused and afraid, GOD lights my way.

light protects.  it provides security.  have you ever seen these high tech alarms where you walk on to the property and every light in the house goes on?  some of you have those spotlights, that if there's movement in your backyard, the light flips on.  light is a source of security. 

light energizes.  it lifts your mood.  it brightens your day.  have you ever been out on a cloudy day?  you were moody and low and all of sudden the sun broke through and it changed your attitude.  it lifts your spirit.  i think it's not by accident that at the darkest time of the year during the winter, when the nights are longest, we decorate our houses with bright lights. CHRISTmas. 

david's saying, “my relationship to GOD has the same three effects.  HE illuminates my life, protects my life, energizes my life.  i'm not going to be afraid.”  do you have a relationship to GOD like that?  if you don't you're probably susceptible to the fear of rejection.  maybe you're looking to somebody else to be your illumination, to make things clear for you, to be your protection, your security.  you're looking to somebody else to energize your life and lift your mood, brighten your day and provide happiness.  david says, GOD is my light.

just a thought from the front porch…

rejection or responsibility...

nothing brings out the best in people – kids or anybody else – faster than having somebody believe in them and trust them with responsibility.

luke 16.10 & 12 (ncv), whoever can be trusted with a little can also be trusted with a lot. if you cannot be trusted with things that belong to somebody else, who will give you things of your own?

one of the most important life skills, parents, we can teach our children is teaching them to be responsible. we are in a society filled with irresponsible adults. why? because they never learned responsibility as children. so we must gradually turn the responsibility over to our children as they grow, not hold on too tightly and not over protect them.

how do you learn to be responsible? one way. you learn to be responsible by somebody trusting you with responsibility even when somebody thinks you don’t deserve it. in the long run you’re far better off trusting your kids too much than too little because over protection really is a form of rejection.

when you overprotect your children, you’re in essence saying, “you’re not competent. i don’t trust you. you can’t be relied on. therefore i’m going to have to keep things real close.”

yes, they will make mistakes when you trust them. so did you. you’re not perfect and your heavenly FATHER accepts you. you are to accept your children even when they make mistakes.

in the long run you do far more good for the emotional, mental and SPIRITual health of your children to over trust them rather than under trust them. obviously, with little kids they can’t handle a lot but as they grow you must be willing to give the responsibility away. this is a basic life skill we all have to learn. people respond to responsibility. they thrive under it. they grow. they develop. they blossom. people respond to responsibility.

on the other hand if you treat people like babies…. say, you’re a manager and you treat people like babies you’re going to have to diaper them the rest of your life.

bosses, “don’t make all the mistakes yourself. let your people make some of them.” delegate, release, empower people. because when you trust people with responsibility they blossom.

just a thought from the front porch…