a selective listener…

has anybody ever accused you of being a selective listener?  we tend to hear what we want to hear.  isn’t that true?  we leave off the parts we don’t like and we accept the parts that we like and we want to do.

it’s like the story of the doctor who’s driving down the road.  he looks out his car window and he saw an elderly man jogging along the side of the road with a very young, beautiful woman.  as he looked at the old guy he realized that the old man was his patient.  so he stopped his car, rolled down his window and hollered to the elderly man.  “what are you doing?” and the old man said, “i’m just doing what you told me to do.  you told me to get a hot mama and be care free.”  the doctor said, “i told you, you had a heart murmur and be careful!”  we all have selective hearing.  we hear what we want to! 

psalms 25.4-5 (niv) gives us a good prayer to pray.  show me YOUr ways, LORD.  teach me YOUr paths.  guide me in YOUr truth and teach me.  for YOU are GOD my SAVIOR.

just a thought from the front porch… 

three rules for confronting other people…

how do i confront a person? well james 1.19 (niv) tells us three rules for confronting other people. everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.

now those are the three rules when you go to confront somebody at work. you be quick to listen, you be slow to speak and then you will be slow to anger.

you see, if you do the first two the third one is automatic. if you are quick to listen and slow to speak, you will be slow to anger.

somebody said, GOD gave us two ears and one mouth then HE wants us to listen twice as much as we talk.

so he says here quick to listen, slow to speak. what do you listen for?

you listen for the hurt. you listen for the hurt in that person because hurt people hurt people. hurting people always hurt other people.

when you have somebody who is being a jerk at work, it is because that person is hurting. and when you understand their hurt then maybe you have a little better understanding of why they do what they do and you are a little more patient with them. understanding always brings patience.

when we don't understand things then we are impatient with them. when we are understanding then we are a whole lot more patient with them.

just a thought from the front porch…

the rolling conversational stop…

have you lived as a parent through the experience of your teenager having a driver’s permit? i’ve discovered that permit drivers will point out any kind of driving sin that you make as a parent. one would be the crime of the rolling stop. they point out when you don’t completely stop. that you just roll right on through; you’re in a hurry to go again.

that’s probably a good example of what we do often in our conversations. we only stop long enough to catch our breath and to think about what we want to say next, and then we roll right on through that conversational intersection.

john ortberg in his teaching on relational intelligence tells a great story. he says, “years ago my parents and i were stuck in a room with a mom and her 8-year-old son as we each waited for a family member to show up on family day at college. for one hour, this woman did not stop talking. she made don king look like an introvert. and it’s not because we weren’t sending her signals because we were. nobody would make eye contact with her. we were afraid that might encourage her. nobody was nodding at her. our bodies were facing the other direction. she could not stop talking. it was if she had taken some powerful verbal laxative. her words were out of control. finally after an hour of this her daughter came up stairs and into the room. the woman stood up and said, “gotta go,’ but she kept on talking the whole way out the door. ‘i’ve got so many things to do,’ she told us who didn’t care at all. ‘i’ve got errands to run, i’ve got dinners to fix, i’ve got to pick up your dad. and oh, yes, i’ve got to get some buttons.’ then her 8-year-old son spoke, the only words he’d said the whole hour. he looked at his mother and said, ‘mother, you need a button for your mouth.’ we all felt this was the prompting of the HOLY SPIRIT in the life of that little boy.”

let me give you an idea. why don’t you get a button and put it in your pocket with your change or put it in your change purse. and every time you reach for change and you feel that button maybe it could be a subtle reminder, “stop talking for a minute and value and honor what someone else has to say.”

stop talking and listen. that shows respect. that shows love.

just a thought from the front porch…

HE stopped and listened to her…

JESUS CHRIST was absolutely the best in showing honor and love to other people. HE did it by the things that HE would do for them and with them and the words HE would speak into their lives. there’s a little snippet of scripture in luke 7. it’s a slice of life right from the ministry of CHRIST. this is a great story.

luke 7.36-41 (nlt) says, one of the pharisees asked JESUS to come to HIS home for a meal, so JESUS accepted the invitation and sat down to eat. a certain immoral woman heard HE was there and brought a beautiful jar filled with expensive perfume. then she knelt behind HIM at HIS feet, weeping. her tears fell on HIS feet, and she wiped them off with her hair. then she kept kissing HIS feet and putting perfume on them. when the pharisee who was the host saw what was happening and who the woman was, he said to himself, “this proves that JESUS is no prophet. if GOD had really sent HIM, HE would know what kind of woman is touching HIM. she’s a sinner.” JESUS spoke up and answered the pharisee’s thoughts…

there is one invisible sign of respect that is hanging around everybody’s neck. it says stop. we recognize the sign. but when it’s hanging around a person’s neck, it means, “stop talking and listen.”

this story shows what a wonderful listener JESUS was. HE especially listened to this woman. and you can read the story and see that HE listened to simon the pharisee, too. as a matter of fact, HE listened so well to simon the pharisee, the bible says that HE read his thoughts. this was the SON of GOD, and HE was paying good attention to even what simon was thinking. but HE especially listened to this woman.

now the women in this story never said a word but wouldn’t you agree with me that this woman was saying something to JESUS? wouldn’t you agree with me that listening goes way beyond just hearing the words that another person says? it’s seeing what’s in their eyes. it’s feeling what’s in their heart. it’s reading between the lines. it’s listening in the moments of silence. this woman was speaking. she was speaking loudly in her tears and in her service to CHRIST and in the washing of HIS feet and the kissing of HIS feet. she had a message, and JESUS, it seems, was the only one who heard it. HE was the only one listening to her.

some time later in the bible, the apostle paul was writing to the corinthian CHRISTians in 2 corinthians 7.15 (nlt) and he tells about a friend of his who had visited their church. paul says, titus remembers the way you listened to him and welcomed him with such respect and deep concern. why did titus feel respected? because of the way they welcomed him and because of the way they listened to him.

are you a good listener? would people around you say you really are a good listener? do people feel like you’re fully present with them whenever they’re with you? or is there anybody in your world who might just be whispering under their breath, “would you please stop talking? would you please stop advising? stop rambling. stop pontificating. stop hyping! stop hogging the verbal spotlight. would you just stop and listen?”

just a thought from the front porch…

do you want to be wise or appear wise?…

there’s another way we can give preference to others. that’s by doing more listening than talking. james 1.19 (niv) says, be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. we get those first two reversed. we are slow to listen, quick to speak.

another practical way you can practice humility is to practice learning from others.

a major component of humility is teachability, being willing to listen and willing to learn, willing to grow, open to suggestions and corrections from other people. you don’t think you know it all. you don’t act like you know it all.

why should you do that? there are two or three really good reasons.

one, you’ll be more likable. the bible says in proverbs 15.12 (tev), conceited people do not like to be corrected. they never ask for advice.

again, pride, at its root, is insecurity. “i’m afraid that i’ll show that i really don’t know much.”

do you enjoy being around arrogant people? of course not. they’re irritating. they’re a pain in the blessed assurance. one of the things humility does is it makes you more likable.

two, you’ll be wiser if you’re open to the correction of other people. proverbs 15.32 (nlt) says, if you reject criticism you only harm yourself. but if you listen to correction you grow in understanding.

humble people are always learning because they’re open to correction. everybody’s ignorant, just on different subjects. you know some things that i don’t know, and i know some things that maybe you don’t know. we all come from different backgrounds.

that’s why two heads are better than one and it’s wise to learn from the experience of others. you don’t have time in life to learn everything from personal experience. the way to do that is by learning to ask questions. the only way to learn to ask questions is if you’re humble, if you’re open.

you’ve got to decide in life whether you want to be wise or appear wise. whether you want to be smart or appear smart. if you want to appear smart, then you can’t ever let on that you don’t know, so you always have to boast your way through situations and you never do really learn anything.

just a thought from the front porch…

kindness and sympathy...

sometimes kindness is just listening. in fact, advice giving can actually be counterproductive to kindness. joe bailey wrote a book on grief, on losing a loved one. he called it a view from the hearse. he says this from his experience: “i was sitting, torn by grief, and somebody came along and talked to me about GOD's dealings of why it happened, of hope beyond the grave. he talked constantly. he said things i knew were true. but i was unmoved, except to wish that he would go away. and he finally did. then another one came and sat beside me, and he didn’t talk at all. he didn’t ask me any leading questions. he just sat beside me for an hour or more, listened when i said something, answered briefly, prayed simply and left. i was moved. i was comforted. i hated to see him go.”

sympathy involves the ears. listening is a form of kindness.

sympathy does two things. it meets two of your basic needs: the need to be understood and the need to have your feelings validated. and both are human needs.

the bible says it like this, galatians 6.2 (nlt), share each other’s troubles and problems and in this way obey the law of CHRIST. what is the law of CHRIST? it’s called the great commandment. love GOD with all your heart and love your neighbor as yourself. do you like sympathy? of course you do. do you like people to sympathize with you when you’re hurting emotionally, physically, whatever? of course you do. the bible says do the same to others.

GOD often allows problems in your life just to teach you to be sympathetic to others. some of the things that come into your life, you wonder, “why is this happening to me?” i'll tell you why it’s happening. GOD sometimes specifically allows certain problems into your life so you can be sympathetic to other people when they go through them and you don’t say things like, “why don’t you just get your act together? why don’t you just straighten up? if you’d just change your beliefs or change your life …” you’ll be
sympathetic to where they are.

2 corinthians 1.4 (lb), GOD comforts and strengthens us in our hardships and trials so that when others are troubled, needing our sympathy and encouragement, we can pass on to them this same help and comfort that GOD has given us. so every problem you go through is an opportunity to learn how to be more sympathetic.

just a thought from the front porch…

learning to listen is the secret...

the second thing the good samaritan did was sympathize with people’s pain. it’s not enough to just see their need, you must feel their emotions. you must sympathize with their pain.

the bible says this in luke 10.33 (tev), when he saw him, his heart was filled with pity. first, his eyes kicked in. then his ears and his heart kicked in, and he’s filled with pity.

the bible tells us, weep with those who weep. in other words, share their sorrow. enter into their emotion. feel what they feel.

how do you do that? how do i increase my ability to be a more sensitive and more sympathetic person?

if sensitivity begins with your eyes, sympathy begins with your ears. it’s learning to listen. learning to listen is the secret of genuine sympathy. the better listener you become, the more sympathetic you become. sometimes kindness is just listening.

there was this ad that said, “i'll listen to anybody speak about anything for 15 minutes for 20 bucks.” i bet that guy’s making a good living. people are dying to have someone listen to them. that’s why social media is exploding. they want somebody to listen to them.

someone said “when i ask you to listen to me and you start giving me advice and you’ve not done what i’ve asked, when i ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why i shouldn’t feel that way, you trample on my feelings. when i ask you to listen to me, and you begin to feel you have to do something to solve my problem, you’ve failed me, as strange as it seems. just listen. please. just listen to me. advice is cheap. fifty cents will get you both dear abby and billy graham in the same newspaper and i can do that for myself. i’m not helpless. i may be discouraged. i may be faltering, but i’m not helpless. so please. just listen to me. and hear what i have to say. and if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn, and i'll listen to you.”

just a thought from the front porch…

empower with your words...

do you want to be an expert listener? learn to pick up those visual cues. learn what it means when somebody crosses their arms. there’s a barrier here. something’s wrong. learn what it means when somebody’s eyes are downcast. they may be saying they had a great day today but something is not there. learn what it means when somebody’s jaw is set. as you get to know someone better and better you pick up even little visual cues. it’s part of being a great listener.

psychologist carl roger said this about understanding and listening, “nothing feels so good as being understood.” that’s true. when i try to share some aspect of myself and my communication is met with evaluation, or reassurance or even worse, distortion of my meaning, i know what it is to be alone. all of us have felt the loneliness of trying to talk with someone and not getting anything back. especially when it’s something important to us.

what do you do? you learn to listen.

now we’ve talked here on the front porch about three things in communication. it starts with what i think. it starts with building through my trust. it starts with the way that i listen. and now the forth the importance of your words

you empower your words. why? because words are the single most important tool given to us from GOD. without a doubt! the book of proverbs tells us that death and life are in the power of the tongue.

in the old testament, in the book of genesis, do you remember the story of a place called the tower of babel? they were trying to build a tower to be like GOD and GOD wanted to halt the construction project. how did he halt it? did he take away their hammers? did he take away their chisels? did he take away their construction plans?

no, he took away their ability to communicate. when he did that, the project crumbled. that’s how important words are.

ephesians 4.29 (niv) tells us they are still important in our everyday lives today. do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs.

words can be used like a tool to smash a window or build a foundation. they’re powerful. sticks and stones can break my bones but words can … break a child’s heart, words can break a husband’s dreams, can break a wife’s love. or words can build.

just a thought from the front porch…

genuine listening is hard work...

genuine listening is hard work. you’ve got to involve all of yourself in it. it’s just plain hard work.

the chinese character for listening incorporates the symbols for eyes, ears, undivided attention in that one character. it’s a pretty good picture of what listening is all about. it involves all of me. so in the interest of all of us wanting to be better listeners, improving our skills in this area, let me give you an acrostic based on the word “listen”. six simple things we can do to improve our skills in listening.

let’s start with l – look at people. listen not just with your ears but with your eyes. that’s one of the keys to listening well – simply looking at the person you’re listening to.

i – invest in people. the attitude when you invest in somebody when you’re listing is, “this person is important.” to be an effective listener means to accept people for who they are and not who i want them to be. effective listening means you stop labeling people and start listening to people.

s – stop whatever else you’re doing. good listening is like tuning in a radio station. you can only tune in one station at a time. i know you can hear two things at a time. i can do that too. i can repeat what was said, but i wasn’t listening. i didn’t focus in and hear what that person said. stop whatever else you’re doing and listen to the person.

t – think about what they are saying. when we’re listening, what do we usually think about? not what they’re saying. we usually are thinking “what am i going to say next?” we have a habit of doing that.

e – empathize with them. empathize with what they’re feeling and going through. the greatest test between a good listener and a bad listener: a bad listener listens to what you’ve said, then at the end of your story, they tell a story to top your story. that’s a bad listener. a good listener, when you get to the end of what you’ve said, asks a question to draw out more of your story. that’s the difference.

you empathize with what that person is saying. you acknowledge their feelings – they may be wrong feelings but they do feel that way. you acknowledge that they feel that way. it’s ok to feel that way and then it’s ok to be changed.

n – notice body language. that’s a key to good listening. a lot of what we say is in our body language.

one university study has shown that 55% of a speaker’s impact is not in what they say. that’s 7%, the words. fifty-five percent is your body language. the other is in your tone of voice.

just a thought from the front porch…