do what you can…

the right response to difficulty is to confront it.  do what you can. 

this is what paul did here in acts 27.33 & 34 (msg), with dawn about to break, paul called everyone together and proposed breakfast: “this is the fourteenth day we’ve gone without food. none of us has felt like eating! but i urge you to eat something now. you’ll need strength for the rescue ahead. you’re going to come out of this without even a scratch!”

when you get under stress, tension, in a crisis, when you’re overwhelmed by problems and think you’re going to crack up, you stop taking care of yourself.  you don’t eat right, sleep right, those physical management things you need to do.  paul says, when you’re overwhelmed with stress remember the simple stuff like eating right. 

they had been worried sick for 14 days and hadn’t eaten anything.  then he told them to do some other stuff:  they lightened the ship, they untied the rudders, cut the anchors loose, intentionally ran the ship straight ahead into the storm trying to run aground. 

that is how you get through a storm.  you don’t run from it.  you can’t go under it, over it, around it.  you go right into it.  GOD won’t take you around the storm.  HE will take you through the storm of life.  the only way to face a storm is head on.  if you turn sideways, you’re going to capsize.  GOD says “face the storm, don’t fear it. go straight on into it.” 

you never solve a problem by ignoring it.  GOD didn’t say when you go through the storm it would be easy.  HE said, “I will be with you.”  GOD didn’t say it will be easy getting through what you’re going through right now.  but HE did say, “I will be with you.”  and you are going to make it.

just a thought from the front porch…

three rules for confronting other people…

how do i confront a person? well james 1.19 (niv) tells us three rules for confronting other people. everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.

now those are the three rules when you go to confront somebody at work. you be quick to listen, you be slow to speak and then you will be slow to anger.

you see, if you do the first two the third one is automatic. if you are quick to listen and slow to speak, you will be slow to anger.

somebody said, GOD gave us two ears and one mouth then HE wants us to listen twice as much as we talk.

so he says here quick to listen, slow to speak. what do you listen for?

you listen for the hurt. you listen for the hurt in that person because hurt people hurt people. hurting people always hurt other people.

when you have somebody who is being a jerk at work, it is because that person is hurting. and when you understand their hurt then maybe you have a little better understanding of why they do what they do and you are a little more patient with them. understanding always brings patience.

when we don't understand things then we are impatient with them. when we are understanding then we are a whole lot more patient with them.

just a thought from the front porch…

the end results are worth it…

proverbs 24.26 (tev) says this, an honest answer is the sign of a true friendship. real friends speak the truth. they tell their friends what they need to hear not what they’d like to hear. sometimes love must be tough. sometimes love hurts. it hurt JESUS to die. that’s the kind of love JESUS had to die for you. but the end results were worth it.

proverbs 28:23 (lb) says, in the end, people appreciate frankness more than flattery. it says, in the end – because they never appreciate it in the beginning. they don’t. if i were to point out things in your life that needed some correction, you wouldn’t appreciate it. you would be resentful. you’d be rebellious. you’d be stubborn about it. so would i. we never appreciate it at the start. it’s only in the end that we appreciate it.

do you know somebody maybe in your extended family who’s overbearing and controlling and nobody’s ever spoken the truth to them about it? do you know somebody who’s wasting their life and they’ve never been confronted? is there someone you love, you care about, who’s flirting with temptation, and are you going to just sit there silently and let it get worse? do you have a friend who is a gossip and a divider and is divisive and they love to spread rumors, but nobody’s ever had the courage to say, “stop it! you’re hurting people with your gossip! nobody’s ever had the courage to say, stop it!”

if you want to move to the highest level of loving, i invite you to pray this prayer: “dear GOD, this is scary. you know how much i fear speaking the truth sometimes. i hate conflict. i don’t like rocking the boat. but i see what is going on, and i know it’s not right. please, give me the courage i need to talk to that person. help me to check my motives first. help me to find the right words and the right time to say it. help me to be positive and wrap the truth in love and affirmation. i am willing to risk rejection in an attempt to save this relationship. i’m willing to face the pain or anger because i love this person and i really do want what’s best for them. i ask YOU to use me in this most difficult expression of genuine love. help us as we go through the tunnel of truth. in JESUS’ name. amen.”

just a thought from the front porch…

both realistic and optimistic…

2 corinthians 7.4 (Gw) says, i have great confidence in you, and i have a lot of reasons to be proud of you. paul says this right in the middle of some very tough truths, where he’s saying, “this is some stuff you need to work on.” he’s leveling with them. he’s not pulling any punches. but in the middle of it, he says in affirmation, i have great confidence in you, and i have a lot of reasons to be proud of you.

if you want to move from grade-school loving to graduate-level loving, if you want to be a master at the art of love, you have to learn in a relationship to be both realistic and optimistic at the same time. realistic and optimistic. point out what’s really good and what isn’t so good that needs to be better. you say, “i believe with GOD’s help you can change... i believe with GOD’s help we can have a stronger relationship... i believe with GOD’s help there can be a different closeness and level of intimacy together…”

this issue of speaking the truth in love is still something that you learn from practice. it’s a skill you learn from practice. you get better at it.

now whether it’s a big problem in the relationship or a little problem whether it’s a major issue or it’s a minor issue, you’re going to have to take this last step if you want to be a graduate-level lover. and this you must risk their rejection.

paul did this in 2 corinthians 7.8-11 (ms), i know i have distressed you greatly with my letter and although i felt awful at the time i don’t feel bad now that i see how it’s turned out. the letter upset you but only for a while and you were jarred into turning things around. you let the distress bring you to GOD. and that’s what i was hoping for in the first place when i wrote the letter.

the truth is, it’s scary to do a speaking-the-truth-in-love to somebody. we don’t know how they’re going to react. they may get mad. they may walk out. they may misjudge your motivation. they may attack you. you don’t know what’s going to happen. so it’s scary, and you’re taking a great risk.

and because we don’t want to take that risk, we settle for superficial, shallow relationships.

just a thought from the front porch…

affirmation – tough truth – affirmation…

proverbs 12.25 (lb) says, a word of encouragement does wonders. when you are having a speaking-the-truth-in-love session with somebody, you want to affirm three things:

1. you want to affirm that you deeply love and care for them.
2. you want to affirm that you will pray for them and help them.
3. you want to affirm that you believe they can change.

you affirm these things. you state your faith. a word of encouragement does wonders. you begin and you end the conversation on a positive note.

paul did this. i wish i had time to take you through both of these books, 1 and 2 corinthians. in both books, he begins with affirmation and he ends with affirmation. example: in 1 corinthians 1.4 (niv), paul begins his letter by saying, i always thank GOD for you. and at the end of the book, 1 corinthians 16.24 (niv) he says, my love to all of you in CHRIST JESUS. between that he’s dealing with some very tough truths. so you sandwich the difficult truth between affirmations. affirmation – tough truth – affirmation. paul does this in his books. he begins and ends on a positive note. exit notes are very important.

a tip: never use the word “but” in a confrontation. the moment you use the word “but,” whatever you say before or after will be totally ignored and invalidated. “i think you’re a great person, but…” “you’ve got a lot going for you, but…” “we’ve got a great marriage, but…” “we’ve been friends a long time, but…” you can say all kinds of compliments before that one word. when you use that word “but,” people tune out.

instead use the word “and.” “you’re a great person, and i believe you can be even better.” “we’ve got a great marriage/relationship, and i believe there’s some things we need to work on.” “GOD is using you in a great way, and there’s some areas you might want to think about.” not “but.” use the word “and.” and make affirmation.

just a thought from the front porch…

confronting and affirming…

we have been dealing here on the front porch about having loving relationships and that sometimes love speaks the truth. and when we do we must first check our motivation and then plan our presentation.

the next thing you do is you give them affirmation. that’s very important in speaking the truth in love. give them affirmation.

you need to understand that a healthy, strong relationship is always built on two legs. confronting in truth, affirming in love. if you only have one, you’ve got a one-legged relationship and it isn’t going to stand. it will fall over at anything. to have a strong marriage, you must be able to confront in truth and affirm in love.

the bible says that the truth will set you free. when you go through that tunnel of truth, it does free you to the deeper level relationship. the truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable. if i were to come to you today and say, “let’s go have some coffee. i want to point out the areas that need changing,” you would not be thanking me for it. you’d be going, “who do you think you are?” you’d be resentful, rebellious, resistant, determined, stubborn. you wouldn’t be going, “this is great! tell me the areas i need to work on! tell me the areas that are messed up in my life.” no. you would be miserable. because when you share the truth, it first hurts. sometimes a surgeon has to cut out a cancer, has to hurt, in order to heal.

because the truth often does hurt, we must speak it in love, and you couch it in affirmations. you put affirmations on either side of it. proverbs 12.25 (lb) says, a word of encouragement does wonders. when you are having a speaking-the-truth-in-love session with somebody, you want to affirm three things:

1. you want to affirm that you deeply love and care for them.
2. you want to affirm that you will pray for them and help them.
3. you want to affirm that you believe they can change.

and you believe that the relationship can be better. you believe that you can be even closer as a result of this confrontation.

just a thought from the front porch..

say it gently…

another way to express your message so it would be received is to say it gently.

the bible says in proverbs 15.1 (niv), a gentle answer turns away wrath. you might even lower your voice when you talk about it. say it gently.

galatians 6.1 (cev) says this, if someone is trapped in sin, you should gently lead that person back to the right path. part of that means just being humble. maybe even qualifying your approach: “i may be totally wrong about this, but…” or “i may be totally off base, i may not have all the facts, i’m certainly not perfect. i’ve got a lot of problems in my life…” you set it up being humble yourself. you’re not coming in as the schoolteacher, the authority, the disciplinarian. you’re saying, “we all need help. i need help in some areas of my life.” say it in a gentle and humble way, so that it can be received in a humble way.

there is an equation that goes like this: truth plus tact plus timing equals transformation. if you want your marriage transformed, if you want your friendship transformed, if you want a relationship with anybody transformed, if you want to help somebody change, if you want to see that life transformed, it takes more than truth. it takes truth plus tactfulness plus the right timing to create the transformation in that person’s life or in your relationship. and you have to say it in a gentle way.

here’s another one, “i was in love with a young man who had a lot of problems. he was a bad boy. an older friend questioned our relationship, but i told him i loved my boyfriend anyway! my friend said gently but firmly, ‘any two people can fall in love. the question is, is it GOD’s will for your life?’ ” at that point i heard the truth, and i knew in my heart that the answer was no. and we broke up soon after. she then said, “now that i’ve been married for 26 years to rick warren, i’m so glad that my friend was willing to give me the hard advice even when i didn’t want to hear it.”

paul says to the 1 corinthians 4.14 (niv), i’m writing these things not to shame you, but to warn you as my beloved children. hear the compassion in his voice? he says, “i know i’m having to beat you up a little bit right now. i know i’m having to point out things you don’t want to hear. it’s probably ticking you off. it’s probably making you angry. but i’m not doing this to shame you. i’m doing this because i genuinely care about you. i’m speaking the truth in love.”

just a thought from the front porch..

anger, irritation or love…

it is also important to say the message you want to get through to the person you love, to say it lovingly. paul had some brutal truths he had to share with the people at corinth, his friends. the bible tells us in 2 corinthians 6.13 (mes), i’m speaking as plainly as i can with great affection. he spoke it in a loving way.

you never use truth as a club. you never beat people up with the truth. you never hit them over the head with it. you say it in a loving way. and how do you know if you’re saying it in a loving way? it’s for their benefit, not yours. if you feel good in saying it, you’re probably saying it for your own benefit.

by the way, you never confront anonymously. that’s unloving. if a person doesn’t have the courage to confront and say who they are, how can you respond to them? you never ever confront anybody anonymously. that’s the coward’s way out. if you’re doing it anonymously, it means you’re not doing it in love. you’re doing it in anger or irritation.

you say it in love. one woman said, “in my 20s, my older sister had an emotional breakdown from the abuse we both experienced as kids. she started seeing a counselor. she urged me to get counsel, too, but i told her i didn’t believe CHRISTians need counseling. GOD would take care of all my problems. however, throughout my life i was plagued with sleeplessness and night terrors. i’d wake up terrified that the devil was after me. so i’d stay up all night scared to death, reading my bible and praying for deliverance but feeling no relief. i started acting out my fears at work, and then one day my boss who was a CHRISTian called me into his office and lovingly confronted me with the truth. he said, ‘you must get some counseling.’ he even had a name and number of a CHRISTian counselor ready for me. because he cared enough to level with me in love, i got help and i haven’t had night terrors in 10 years.”

speaking the truth in love. what if he hadn’t had the courage and the love to care about that employee? she’d still be in pain today. but he said it in a loving way.

just a thought from the front porch

it’s all in the way you say it…

in confronting someone in love you plan when you’re going to talk to then, what you’re going to say to them and then you plan how you’re going to say it. this is also very important. proverbs 1218 (tev) says, thoughtless words can wound as deeply as any sword. wisely spoken words can heal. it’s all in the way you say it. if you say it thoughtlessly, it’s probably going to hurt them. but if you think it through and think how you’re going to say it and when and what you’re going to say, then that has the potential to heal them.

now there are some things that work for the best response. there are different ways to say it if you want the message to get through to the person you love.

first of all, you say it tactfully. proverbs 16.21 (tev) says, a wise mature person is known for his understanding. the more pleasant his words the more persuasive he is.

here’s the point: i’m never persuasive when i’m abrasive. if you want to get the message across, you don’t say it offensively. that will be received defensively. you don’t say it rudely, arrogantly, angrily, in frustration, in irritation, in annoyance. you don’t say it like that. you say it pleasantly. the more pleasant your words, the more persuasive you’ll be. you say it with tact. you let it come out but let it come out in a way that is pleasant and pleasing and positive.

just a thought from the front porch…

what are you going to say?…

another thing you do in confronting someone you love is to plan what you’re going to say. proverbs 25.11 (cev) says, the right word at the right time is like precious gold set in silver. if you’re going to plan what you’re going to say to this friend, you want to plan two things: you want to plan your introduction and you want to plan your illustrations.

now your introduction is very important. how you introduce a touchy subject will determine whether it’s going to be received well or whether it’s going to be rejected. in other words, if you want to talk about how the house needs to be cleaner, you wouldn’t start by saying, “the roaches are begging for raid!” or “this place is a pigsty.” or some other sarcastic remark. sarcasm never, ever, ever works. you choose the right introduction. how am i going to broach this subject?

then you need to have some good examples ready. for instance… have your illustrations ready. but you need to choose illustrations that that person understands, not just ones that you particularly like.

if you’ve never read anything about this, a good book is the language of love. it talks about seven different kinds of love languages. we all hear things differently. you need to choose the illustrations that are appropriate for the person you’re trying to deal with. plan what you’re going to say in advance.

just a thought from the front porch…

the timing is important……

when you plan to have a loving confrontation with your husband, your wife, a son, a daughter, a parent, a friend, a co-worker, a relative who’s kind of dysfunctional what you need to first of all, plan when you say it. proverbs 25.12 (ms) says, a wise friend’s kindly reprimand is like a gold ring slipped on your finger. if you’re wise, if you’re a wise friend, when you talk to your friend about a tough issue, you choose the right timing – a timely reprimand.

when you have a tough issue to deal with in a relationship, have you discovered that timing is everything? bringing up a tough thing: you don’t want to bring it up when they’re tired. you don’t want to bring it up when they’re under pressure. you don’t want to bring it up when they’re in a hurry. you may be ready to deal with the issue. you may be ready to unload. but they’re not ready to hear it.

columbia university did a study and discovered that more arguments occur right before dinner than any other time of day. that makes sense. we’re tired, we’re cranky, we have low blood sugar, we’re hungry. that’s not a good time to bring up a major issue – right before dinner. the point is this: you don’t ever drop a bomb. if you’re doing this in love, you think about the best timing for them, when they’re rested and when they’re ready to hear it.

just a thought from the front porch…

i planned, i grieved, i agonized...

this is foundational. we must hold to pure motives and show that we care before we speak the truth in love.

if you want to move out of grade-school loving and move into graduate-school loving, you’re going to have to learn this skill of how to confront issues in your relationship that are keeping you from being closer. if you want to move from superficial relationships and shallowness to deep, intimate, meaningful relationships, you’re going to have to learn how to confront issues that scare you to death. and you have to learn how to do it in love.

so once you have checked and corrected your motivation, you know you’re doing this because you genuinely care about the relationship or genuinely care about their better or good, then you plan your presentation.

you think through what you’re going to say before you say it. proverbs 16.23 (tev) says, intelligent people think before they speak. what they say then is more persuasive. if you want to be persuasive in a presentation, you must think through what you’re going to say in advance.

paul did this when he had some painful truths to present to people, his friends in corinth. he says this in 2 corinthians 2.4 (niv), i wrote you out of great distress and anguish of heart and with many tears. not to grieve you but to let you know the depth of my love for you. paul says, i had some tough things i had to write to you about. but this wasn’t impulsive. i didn’t just sit down and blast off an e-mail.

have you discovered how dangerous an e-mail can be? you can vent real quickly, hit the button and it’s gone. and then you wish you could pull it back.

paul says, “no, i sat down and thought about this. i agonized. i wept. that’s how much i care about you. when i had to say some tough things that you didn’t want to hear, but you really need to hear because your life is messed up, i really thought about it. i planned, i grieved, i agonized.”

just a thought from the front porch…

a meaningful, significant, relationship...

if you never confront anyone, you’re never going to be close to anyone. because closeness only comes through conflict and confrontation.

in life, there are two kinds of relationships. on one side you have shallow, superficial relationships. that’s what most of the people in the world are – shallow, superficial relationships.

on the other side, you have meaningful, deep, significant, intimate relationships. soul-to-soul bonding and connection.

how do you get from superficial relationship to intimacy whether in a friendship, a marriage, a partnership, whatever? how do you get from superficial to deep, close, intimate connection with another person?

there’s only one way. that is to go down through the tunnel of truth. in the tunnel of truth, you deal with all the issues of the relationship you really don’t want to deal with. “let’s push that aside... let’s not talk about that... let’s have happy smiles…” you push it down. but in the tunnel of truth, you have chaos, you have conflict and you have confrontation. and it’s not fun.

when you leave a shallow relationship and say, “we’re going to take this relationship to a new level,” and you go into that tunnel of truth, it’s going to scare you to death. it’s dark, it’s dank, it’s scary. sometimes it’s painful. sometimes it can get a little loud. everything in your body in the middle of the conversation says, “let’s just back out to the shallow side and smooth over it and stay out. it’s a whole lot easier. let’s just preserve the status quo, and don’t rock the boat.”

but if you will stay in that tunnel of truth and deal with those issues and come to some compromise, deal with some issues in a person’s life that need to be confronted, you will eventually come up on the other side into genuine intimacy.

you only confront people you want to be close to.

just a thought from the front porch…

when hurt can help...

in confronting someone you love in a loving attitude you start with the correct motivation. what is the right motive? to help, not to hurt. the reason you speak the truth in love, you confront with a loving attitude, is to help the person, not to hurt them. you’re doing it in love.

we see this in paul’s letter to the corinthians. in 2 corinthians 12, he has just brutally been honest with them about things that were out of whack in their lives. he says you need more commitment, this is wrong, it needs to be changed. in chapter 12 verse 19 (nlt) he says, we tell you this as CHRIST’s servants and everything we do dear friends is for your benefit. he says, i’m not saying this just to get a kick out of it. i’m saying it for your benefit.

proverbs 27.6 (Gw) says, wounds made by a friend are intended to help. before we can talk about how to confront someone in love, the issue is, who do i do it with? the answer is real simple – only people you care about. if you don’t care about the person, you don’t go around making yourself the policeman of the world or pointing out error in stranger’s lives. that’s not your job. but if you have proven you love a person, you have a right to point out things that would be for their best. you only do it for people you love. so you only do it with people you want to have a relationship with. if you don’t want a relationship, you don’t do it. you just avoid it. you don’t confront the clerk who’s being a jerk, you just avoid him. or you point out things in people you deeply care about, you see them heading the wrong direction and wasting their life.

if you never confront anyone, you’re never going to be close to anyone. because closeness only comes through conflict and confrontation.

just a thought from the front porch…