but I can do it…

there is a third selfish desire that causes fighting and arguments.  proverbs 13.10 (lb), pride leads to arguments.  

now why is that true?  it is simply because if i’m too proud to compromise then there will be conflict.

have you ever seen someone in an argument where they were wrong but they wouldn’t admit it?  why would they do that?  it because of pride.  pride causes arguments. 

james also deals with pride  and that when we think we can do things on our own it causes problems.  james 4.2&3 (ncv), you do not get what you want, because you do not ask GOD. or when you ask, you do not receive because the reason you ask is wrong.

 

james gives two reasons why our desires aren’t fulfilled.  number one:  we don’t ask GOD, we don’t pray.  we look to the wrong source.  we look to people to fulfill our needs instead of looking to GOD.  he says the other reason is because if we do pray, the reason you ask is wrong.

the bible has said that everything i need GOD has promised to provide.  HE’ll meet all of these desires we have been talking about, the desire to have, to be, to feel – not just luxury but all my needs.

philippians 4.19 (msg) says, you can be sure that GOD will take care of everything you need. if you just ask, but we’d rather fight than pray.  we’d rather argue about something than go look to the LORD for the answer. 

when i’m upset with my wife, the last thing on my mind is prayer.  we’re not thinking about that but james says, that’s the problem.  we look to others instead of looking to GOD and that causes conflicts.  we’d rather try to work it out ourselves.

prayerlessness in itself is an evidence of pride.  james says we’d have a lot more peace if we’d just pray more.  we’d have a lot less to worry about, a lot less to argue about, a lot less to fight over if we just prayed more. 

the old song, “oh what peace we often forfeit, oh what needless pain we bear, all because we do not carry everything to GOD in prayer.”

just a thought from the front porch…

but i’m right and you are wrong…

proverbs 13.10 (nlt), pride leads to conflict.  all conflict is, is ego, pride.  when margaret and i have a conflict it’s because i’m proud and i don't want to admit i was wrong or she was proud and she doesn’t want to admit she was wrong or we’re both proud and we both don’t want to admit we are wrong.

pride guarantees conflict at work, church, home school, wherever.  selfishness – we want things for ourselves.

james 4.11-12 (niv), brothers, do not slander one another.  anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the law and judges it…there is only one lawgiver and judge, one who is able to save and destroy.  but you, who are you to judge your neighbor?

another source of conflict is judging others – judgmentalism.  all of us are guilty of judgmentalism.  GOD says, “don’t judge people.”  if you do this you’re going to have a fight.  you’re always finding fault, always stirring up strife, always spreading rumors.  don’t judge. 

why?  why should i not judge?

1.  i’m not GOD.  when you judge somebody it’s playing GOD.  there is only one judge, only one lawgiver – GOD.

2.  only GOD has all the facts, you don’t and neither do i.  when i judge you, i don’t have all of the facts.

3.  i don’t know the motives.  and you don’t either.  you can’t tell what’s in somebody’s heart.  you don’t know.  only GOD does.

so only GOD has the right to judge.  HE has all the facts; HE knows everything.  HE knows all the motives; HE sees into our heart; HE’s got the truth so HE can judge.  but we are limited in our insight.  we don’t have any right to judge.

GOD says selfishness and judgmentalism causes conflict.  GOD’s says selfish and judgmental people are immature.

just a thought from the front porch…

the safest and soundest thing to do…

you may still be under the illusion that you are in control of your life. but one day something tiny is going to happen in your finances or your family or your relationships or your health or your career, and it’s going to get bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger until finally you are confronted with the fact that you are not GOD. and you’re not in control of your life. and the safest and soundest thing to do is surrender yourself to your CREATOR and say, “JESUS CHRIST, YOU be at the driver’s wheel. YOU be in charge. YOU call the shots. YOU be the director, the chairman of the board in my life.” i hope you won’t wait until that happens and humble yourself before GOD.

some of you, possibly, have been in church all your lives. and you’re really a “good” person. you’re religious, and you know the prayers and the terminology, and everybody would think you’re a CHRISTian. but you’re not really because you’ve never really surrendered your total life to JESUS CHRIST. that’s why GOD brought you here to the front porch today, so you could do it. there is not a better time than right now to make that surrender. life is so much more focused when you do that. what would keep you from that? only one thing – arrogance, pride. “i’m going to call the shots. i’m going to be my own god.” and that is a fatal mistake. it puts you in opposition with the ONE who loves you, died for you and created you. why don’t you surrender your life to HIM right now?

today, you’ve realized you’ve never really surrendered your life to CHRIST. maybe you’ve even realized there’s a little more pride in your life than you thought. which of these four habits do you need to work on this week? how quickly do you adjust to the needs of others around you? do you give deference to their preference? how eager are you to listen and to learn from correction? do you get defensive? how quickly do you admit it when you are wrong? have you ever done that? it takes courage to be humble. how willing are you to surrender your plans to GOD? GOD says, the people that I treasure the most are the humble. if you want GOD’s blessing in your life, would you pray this prayer?

dear GOD, i want to be the kind of humble person that YOU can bless. i admit that i often do things out of selfishness and pride and what other people might think of me. i ask you to help me this week to practice these habits of humility. help me to give preference to others – their needs, their interests. help me to not always have my own way. help me to be open to correction and even criticism. help me to admit it when i’m wrong. today, i surrender all my life and plans to YOU. i want YOUr will for my life. help me to have a realistic view of both my strengths and my weaknesses. JESUS CHRIST, i turn over the controls of my life to YOU. and i humbly ask YOU to be the director of my life. i want to depend upon YOU from this day forward. in YOUr name i pray. amen.

just a thought from the front porch…

so what is the truth about you?…

have you come to the point in your life when you say, “GOD, i’m not going with my plan any more? i’m going totally with YOUr plan for my life. i don’t know what it is, but i’m already signing my name on the check saying, ‘yes, LORD. whatever YOU want to fill in is fine with me.’ ” that is surrendering your plans to GOD.

there is a quote from that great theologian clint eastwood. in the movie “dirty harry,” harry says, “a man’s got to know his limitations.” but since i’m a retired pastor i have to make it sound spiritual, and so, “blessed is the man who knows his limitations.”

humility is actually being in touch with your humanity. it’s not putting yourself down, laying it on and saying, “i’m nothing! i’m worthless!” it’s realizing that you’re both a bundle of strengths and weaknesses. it’s not denying your strengths; it’s being honest about your weaknesses.

pride is always based on a false evaluation of yourself. you narrow your field of reference so you can be a big fish in a little pond and you start thinking how great you are, and you haven’t taken the whole globe into perspective. pride is always based on a lie. it is a false evaluation of your own talents, your own ability and where you got it. everything you have, even your talent, is a gift from GOD. you don’t own it, you didn’t deserve it, you didn’t work for it, GOD gave it to you. you have nothing without GOD.

humility, on the other hand, is an accurate, unbiased, understanding of your strengths and your weaknesses. you realize that you have limitations. it starts with the truth.

so what is the truth about you? the bible says you’re infinitely loved by GOD, you’re gifted, and you’re deeply flawed. all three of those things are true. you’re very gifted, you’re deeply flawed, you are a sinner, as all of us are, and you are deeply loved because GOD’s love is not based on your performance.

so much of the stress in your life and in my life comes from doing things GOD never intended for us to do. so we make our plans. we say, “i can do more. i can achieve more. i can be more. i can have it all.” you cannot have it all. you have limits. so you have to recognize that. GOD would never ask you to do more than HE gives you the power, the energy and the time to do. which means this: if you’re constantly under stress, you are doing some things that GOD never intended for you to do and you’re being pushed by your own pride, not by GOD’s plan. you need to understand your limitations. you’re not GOD. you’re not even superman or superwoman. you have limits.

just a thought from the front porch…

do you want fewer conflicts?...

do realize that you’ll have fewer conflicts if you’re open to the correction of others? this is a tough one. proverbs 13.10 (ncv) says, pride only leads to arguments.

that is a great verse for married couples to memorize. pride only leads to arguments. anytime you get in an argument you can know that pride is rearing its ugly head.

i hope you’ll memorize that verse and put it in your mind. sometime this week you’ll get in an argument with somebody you love or somebody you don’t love, and GOD’s going to say, “remember that verse? pride only leads to arguments. you can calm it down if you will reduce the pride in your life and you’ll have a more humble attitude and you can see what’s causing the problem. it’s always, always behind any argument – pride is rearing its ugly head.

now every time you are criticized, GOD is testing you. anytime you are criticized, GOD is testing you to see if you are going to respond in a defensive way, an offensive way or a humble way.

here is something else. do you ever catch yourself relational skimming? it’s when your schedule gets so full and so busy and so overloaded you stop having time for the most important people in your life – your kids, your husband, your wife, your friends, relatives, people you care about. and you just don’t have time for them. if you’re married, sometimes it’s like two ships passing in the night – as you’re going out the door, they’re coming in the door. you have little snippets of time for each other, but you’re not getting real quality time. you’re skimming on your relationships.

i wonder how many lonely wives are reading this right now. or lonely husbands. or lonely children. or lonely grandparents. because in our prideful desire to do more and get more and be more or have more and do our plans and our agenda, people get skimmed who we should be caring about. who do you need to go to and ask the question this week, “what’s wrong in my life?”

do you have the guts to do that? humility is not for wimps. it’s not for pansies. it’s not for passive, low self-esteem people – insecure people. do you have the courage to go to the person who knows you best and ask, “what’s out of whack in my schedule? what’s out of whack in my values? in my life? what is out of priority? what’s wrong?” it takes enormous courage to be humble. who do you need to ask?

just a thought from the front porch

the #1 killer of relationships...

the first step to humility, which is one of the keys to rebuilding and reconnecting in a relationship, is admitting where you’re prideful. discovering, examining, evaluating your life and figuring out what kind of situations does pride tend to rear its head in my personality, in my life. you identify how you tend to be prideful. you identify where, in what situations you tend to be prideful. and you face it.

a good verse for evaluation is psalm 139.23-24 (niv), search me o GOD and know my heart. try me and know my thoughts. and see if there be offensive way (way that is unpleasing to YOU, way that makes YOU sad) in me and lead me in the way everlasting.

you do an honest evaluation and pray, “GOD, show me the areas that i tend to be prideful. because i know that whenever i’ve been prideful it disconnects me from the people i love most.

pride destroys relationships and fear; insecurity destroys relationships. both of these things, the moment they pop up are going to cause you to disconnect from those you love.

hurt also disconnects us from those we love. it causes us to disconnect.

proverbs 18.14 (ncv), the will to live can get you through sickness, but no one can live with a broken spirit. the emotional damage that takes place through words and attitudes and actions and impressions that we give to those around us.

remember when you were a child you heard the little rhyme, “sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me.” lie! names hurt more than sticks and stones. a broken bone can heal in a matter of weeks. but a broken spirit, damaged emotions, a scarred soul, you can carry that the rest of your life.

ridicule, embarrassment, hateful things that were said to you 10, 20, maybe 30 or more years ago and you still remember them today and they still hurt. it’s like an open sore that’s never been healed. you try to put band-aids on it, you try to ignore it, but it still hurts. words hurt far more and we remember them and emotional scars take far longer to heal.

the problem with hurt is that unexpressed hurt turns into resentment. and resentment is the number one killer of relationships. hurt will not destroy a relationship but resentment will.

just a thought from the front porch…

but i've got my rights...

humility connects, pride disconnects. when you focus on their needs, their hurts, their interests what they need at this moment, making sure that they are understood you are being humble. when you’re focusing on, what do i need to say now? how can i counter that attack? how am i going to respond? you’re being prideful.

humility is not thinking less of your self. it’s just not thinking of your self at all. it’s thinking about the other person. humility allows us to say the four most difficult words, “i need your help.” humility allows us to say the three most difficult words, “i am sorry.” or “i was wrong.” and humility allows us to say the two most difficult words in the english language, “forgive me.” when you say those words you are being humble.

if you can’t say those words, call it for what it is. ego. arrogance. pride. conceit. and behind that is insecurity. only secure people can say, “i was wrong.” secure people can say, “forgive me.” because that’s where it comes from.

our model for this is JESUS CHRIST. philippians 2.5-7 (nlt & tev), your attitude should be the same as CHRIST JESUS had. though HE was GOD, HE did not demand and cling to HIS rights as GOD. instead of this, of HIS own free will, HE gave up all HE had and took the nature of a servant.

JESUS was humble. can you imagine JESUS walking around with a sign saying, “I'm number one!” i don’t think so. can you image JESUS saying, “look out for number one.” no. can you imagine JESUS saying, “I have my rights!” no. can you imagine JESUS saying, “I’ve got to do what’s best for me!” no. not at all.

that word rights gets us into so much trouble. you do have rights but in a relationship with someone that you love you need to forget your rights. and you need to focus on your responsibilities and you need to focus on doing what’s right. because if you focus on your rights in a marriage or in any other close relationship you’re going to be angry a lot of the time.

you’re going to be doing this: “you did this.” but you did that! “you did this!” yeah, but you did that!” you’ve got this mental balance in your mind – they did that so i can do this. i have my rights. you’re always trying to even the score.

you’re on the same team. why are you fighting each other? if you’re married you’re on the same team. stop fixing the blame and start fixing the problem. but you can’t do that as long as you’re worried about your rights.

just a thought from the front porch…

but will I be accepted?…

we are looking at the disconnecting because of pride. pride causes us to compare and compete with other people. comparing and competing are the twin sisters of pride. they destroy relationships rather than build relationships.

actually when you really look under the surface, pride is just another expression of fear, of insecurity. pride is usually motivated by insecurity.

when you see someone who has to boast all the time, has to brag all the time, can never admit when they’re wrong they are masking massive insecurities. when we’re afraid, when we fear being rejected we build up a wall of pride. we don’t let people get close to us. we hold them at arm’s distance because if they see what we’re really like, if they get close, they may not like us. and we don't want that to happen.

so we pretend we are what we aren’t and we build ourselves up bigger than what we are because we don’t think people will accept us as we really are. it’s just an expression of insecurity.

now if pride causes us to disconnect, what causes us to reconnect to people? the answer’s obvious. it’s humility.

pride disconnects, humility reconnects. 1 peter 5.5 (niv) says, clothe yourself with humility toward one another.

if you want to get dressed for successful relationships, always go out with the overcoat of humility. the bible says, love is not proud. that means anytime you’re prideful you’re not being loving. you’re not being loving in the relationship.

philippians 2.3 (ncv), don’t let selfishness or pride be your guide. instead be humble and give more honor to others than to yourself.

what is humility? humility is not putting yourself down all the time. it’s not saying, “i'm nothing. i'm no good. i'm worthless. you don’t deserve me.” that’s actually false humility and a form of pride. you’re asking for strokes.

real humility is not thinking less of yourself. real humility is just not thinking about yourself. it’s thinking about the other person more than you think about you.

just a thought from the front porch…

pride blinds us…

there’s another thing that causes us to disconnect from those we love and that’s pride.

margaret, my wife and i have discovered that pride rears its ugly head really about every time we get into conflict. when egos collide sparks fly.

there is an awesome verse over in proverbs, proverbs 13.10 (ncv), pride only leads to arguments. we all need to memorized that one don't we?

pride keeps us from hearing each other. when we’re prideful we think we know it all. “i don’t need to hear what you say! i’ll cut you off in the middle of a sentence. i’ll tell you what you’re saying. i’ll tell you what you’re thinking. i’ll tell you what you’re feeling. i’ll tell you what you ought to feel. you shouldn’t feel that way. you should feel the way i feel. you shouldn’t think that. you should think the way i think.”

pride keeps us from hearing each other. you think you know it all. you presume. you jump to conclusions when you’re full of pride.

pride makes us unteachable. “don’t confuse me with the facts. my mind is made up.” it makes us unteachable.

pride blinds us to our own faults. you’ve heard it said love is blind. love isn’t blind but pride is. pride blinds me to my own faults. it blinds me to the fact that sometimes i'm the whole problem. sometimes i'm part of it but sometimes i'm the whole problem.

JESUS once said to some people, before you go worrying about the speck of sawdust in your neighbor’s eye, get the telephone pole out of your own eye. your own pride is blinding you to your own faults.

pride causes us to refuse to reconcile when there’s been conflict. “i'm not making the first move! she’s got to make it.” you’re in different rooms, bedrooms, boardrooms or whatever. “i'm waiting for him to call me.

pride causes us to wait for the other person to take the initiative and it’s our own stubbornness that demands that the other person make the first move. call it what it is. it’s pride. it’s ego.

pride causes us to play games instead of admitting when we’re wrong. we play word games. we play psychological games and all kind of games instead of just saying, “you’re right. that was dumb. i shouldn’t have done it. please forgive me. i'm sorry. i was wrong.” rather than admit when we were wrong we play all kinds of games. we manipulate and we shade facts and we do this and that.

just a thought from the front porch…