who to forgive?...

the beginning question of this week is, what memory is torturing you?  what are you holding on to that’s torturing you?  if you say, “i don’t know who i need to forgive.”  here’s two tests.

first is the blame test.  who are you blaming for your unhappiness?  “if it weren’t for so-and-so everything in my life would be great…  if this hadn’t happened then my life would be terrific…  if i didn’t have these parents…”  whoever you’re blaming for your unhappiness you need to forgive.  you need to let it go. 

the second test is the bitterness test.  you keep a score.  you have a little scale in your mind that anytime somebody does something good you remember all the bad things they’ve done too so you’re always balancing it out. 

some of you who are married had a spouse who made a major mistake – maybe years ago.  and you have never let them off the hook.  you keep referring to it consciously or unconsciously.  and anytime that spouse does anything nice for you, you go, “they owe it to me.”  they never can catch up because you’ve chosen to hold on to this hurt.  and you are killing your marriage.  not them.  you are killing it. 

it is not the sin that’s killing the marriage.  it’s your stubborn refusal to let it go.  your resentment, the holding on to it so that no matter what they do it’s never good enough because “they owe it to me.”  you are killing your own marriage. 

some of you feel cheated by your marriage.  you have a partner who hasn’t lived up to your expectations.  guess what?  you probably haven’t either.  you’re no prize.  have you looked in the mirror lately?  they’re probably a little disappointed too. 

you say, “but i have all these unmet needs that my husband/wife has not met.”  you’ve allowed that grudge to build up and resentment to build up in your heart and you are killing your marriage.  it’s not the problem killing it.  it’s your resentment.  it’s holding on to a hurt that you need to let go of. 

just a thought from the front porch…

more than making things easy…

most of us are slow learners.  most of us have had to learn something more than once.  if you don’t learn something GOD will bring it again in your life.  it will come back.  GOD is more interested in your character than HE is in your comfort.  GOD is more interested in making you change to be more like CHRIST than HE is in making things easy for you.  you never graduate from the school of hard knocks.  GOD allows difficulties.

does GOD have a word for you while you're going through your difficulty?  absolutely.  GOD brought you here to the front porch so HE could say this to you, “don't give up.  grow up.”  that’s what GOD wants to do through that difficulty.  HE doesn’t want you to give up, HE wants you to grow up.  HE wants you to mature, develop, become more and more like the person HE wants you to be.

how do you use your difficulties and problems to grow up?  by doing these things.  determine the reason, determine the result and then determine the response.

and you determine your response by asking yourself, “how should i handle this?” you’re going to be hurt in life many, many times because life is not fair.  it just isn’t.  you will have problems, difficulties and hurts that will make you bitter or better.  you will either grow up or give up.  you’ll either become what GOD wants you to be or you will shrivel and your heart will become hard.  It’s your choice. 

when you go through those situations in life, those difficult times, what happens to you is not nearly as important as what happens in you.  what you’ll take with you is your long-term character, what the circumstances have made you – bitter or better. 

just a thought from the front porch…

forgiveness. but why?

forgiveness. why should i do that? when they have hurt me so much, why should i forgive them?

1. GOD has forgiven you. you’ll never have to forgive anybody more than you’ve been forgiven by GOD.

2. bitterness makes you miserable. it doesn’t work.

3. forgiveness is a two-way street and you’re going to need more forgiveness in the future. we pray in the LORD’s prayer, “forgive us our debts as we forgive everybody else.” forgive us, in the same way we forgive everybody that’s hurt us. do you really want to pray that? GOD, i want you to forgive me as much as i’ve forgiven everybody else.

you say “but i could never forgive that person.” then i hope you never sin. because forgiveness is a two-way bridge, and don’t burn the bridge you’re going to have to cross over to get to heaven. we are to forgive others because we have been forgiven.

there’s an amazing truth that happens that when you hold on to a hurt: the more you hold on the hurt, the more you focus on the offender. and the more you focus on the offender, the more you actually move toward them. and any psychology book will tell you that whatever you focus on and move toward, you end up becoming. here’s the point: if you don’t release them, you end up resembling them. “i’ll never be like my mother!” oh yeah? the more you focus on the very person who hurt you, the more you become like them. you’ve got to let it go. there’s not a better time than right now.

just a thought from the porch…

the heart of real forgiveness…

what is real forgiveness? for one real forgiveness is relinquishing my right to get even.

this is the heart of real forgiveness. you don’t seek revenge. the bible says it like this in romans 12.19 (tlb), never avenge yourselves. leave that to GOD. for HE has said that HE will repay those who deserve it.

you say, “if i give up my right to get even with somebody who’s hurt me, that’s unfair.” you’re right. it’s unfair. whoever said forgiveness is fair? was it fair for JESUS CHRIST to forgive everything you’ve ever done wrong and let you go scott free? was that fair? no. we always want justice for everybody else, and we all want forgiveness for ourselves. when it comes to somebody else, it’s not fair. but we don’t want GOD to be fair to us, though. we want GOD to be gracious to us. the bible says i relinquish my right to get even.

the truth is that life is not fair. and forgiveness is not fair. it’s called grace, and GOD has shown it to you. but the bible does say this. one day, GOD is going to have the last word. one day, GOD is going to settle the score. one day, GOD is going to right the wrong. one day, GOD is going to balance the ledger. so you let GOD settle the score. you forgive so there can be peace in your heart and you can get on with your life, and you leave the justice part to GOD. the starting point is to relinquish my right to get even.

if you don’t do this, you will fall into the trap of bitterness. we have talked about this so many times, but let’s review it again. resentment and bitterness are worthless tools. they’re worthless emotions. in fact, they are the most unhealthy emotions, doctors tell us. they will eat you alive like cancer. all the resentment you’ve got, all the bitterness toward people who have hurt you in your past, it isn’t going to change the past. no matter how much you resent it, it’s not going to change the past. all that resentment and all that bitterness and all those grudges you’ve held are not going to change the future. you cannot change your past with your resentment. all you can do is mess up today. and who do you mess up? you.

many times people hold resentment in their hearts and the other people are totally unaware of it. they’re going along their merry way, having fun, enjoying life, getting on with the future. and you’re the one who’s stuck in the past.

just a thought from the past…

when it comes to anger, we are stupid...

remember that old doritos commercial that said, “eat all you want. we’ll make more.” your body is like that with anger. yell all you want. your body will make more anger. become angry all you want. your body will churn out more anger. there’s an anger assembly line inside of you. you can just churn it out day after day. you find yourself on this downhill slide, caught up in this pattern of anger.

proverbs 14.29 (msg) says, slowness to anger makes for deep understanding. a quick tempered person stockpiles stupidity. a quick temper makes you act in more and more foolish ways every day. it’s stupid.

there is an animated computer game called worm. these silly little worms throw things at other worms on the other side. what you’re trying to do is hit them before they hit you. one thing about the game though is often when you throw something at the other worm, it goes straight up in the air and comes back down and hits you in the head. then the little worm says, “stupid!”

when it comes to anger, we are stupid! why is anger stupid? because it hurts me. it shortens my life. why is it stupid? it hurts the person that i love the most. it damages our relationship.

proverbs 25.28 (tev) says, if you cannot control your anger, you’re as helpless as a city without walls, open to attack. defenseless. when you’re angry, all the defenses come down. you’ll say anything to win the argument, even if you’ve told yourself, “i would never say that!” no matter how hurtful it might be, you’ll say it. sometimes you do anything, the craziest things, things you never imagined yourself doing. that’s the danger. all the defenses come down.

does this mean i’m supposed to pretend i’m not angry? that i just stuff it? no. holding it back doesn’t mean you stuff it. ephesians 4.26-27 (niv) gives us the practical steps to break the pattern of anger. in your anger, do not sin. do not let the sun go down while you’re still angry. do not give the devil a foothold. notice, do not sin.

that means sometimes you need to wait until the temperature cools to have a conversation. if you talk right away when you’re feeling that red-hot gauge of anger, you’re going to say the wrong things. back off a little bit. let things cool down. do not sin. speak when you’re angry, and you’ll make the best speech you’ll ever regret. cool down for a minute.

notice also, do not let the sun go down. do not let the sun go down on your anger. don’t let it go past one day. that means you can’t wait so long that the cooling gauge goes to freezing. that happens very quickly. all of a sudden we can’t talk about it. there’s nothing to say about it. your anger becomes frozen rage, frozen bitterness because it’s cooled so far. the bible says talk about it that day. give yourself time to cool off, talk about it that day and you won’t get in this extended pattern of anger. you were not made by GOD to live in an extended state of anger.

just a thought from the front porch…

the only antidote for a hurtful memory...

what happens if i don't depend on GOD's grace when i’m in pain? what happens if i just rely on myself and try to work out the problem? "i can handle it on my own." what happens when i face a hurt or a problem, crisis or stress and i don't depend on GOD's grace?

hebrews 12.15 (phillips), be careful that none of you fails to respond to the grace of GOD for if he does there can spring up in him a bitter spirit which can poison the lives of many others.

when you try to handle a hurt on your own, you're going to get bitter. resentment is the result of trying to handle all of your problems in your own power. you become cynical, critical and you allow bitterness. you raise your hand to GOD in an angry fist and say, "why me?" you put on a black tie and have a pity party for yourself. "poor me! look at this problem in my life!" you're not relying on the grace of GOD.

before I retired as a pastor, i met hurting people all the time. you can take two people, put them in the same exact situation and one of them is devastated by it and they become resentful and poisoned by the attitude. the other has a sweet, sweet spirit.

how is it that you see some people that you know have problems that are overwhelming, are under increased pressure, unusual pain in their lives that is not even their own fault and they maintain a sweet, sweet spirit? how is that possible?

it's possible because those people are relying on the sustaining grace of GOD.

some of you have been hurt very deeply in the past and you still remember it and it hurts. just the very thought of that memory makes you tense. some of you ladies were hurt by your fathers or by a brother or a husband. some of you men have been hurt at work or in your home and when you think about that hurt it still kind of brings a tear to your eye.

how do you get rid of a hurtful memory like that? there is only one way. the only antidote to a painful memory is the grace of GOD. you receive GOD's grace into your life and then you offer it to that offending person and let them go. you don't hold on to hurt.

the person in your past that hurt you can no longer hurt you unless you let them. let them go! receive GOD's grace into your life and then be gracious and offer forgiveness to that person and let them go, for your own sake. it's the only antidote. grace can pull you through tough times.

just a thought from the front porch…