angry at GOD…

one of the greatest barrier that keeps you from surrendering your life totally to GOD is resentment.  resentment against GOD.

you may not want to admit this but there’s some things in your life that you’re mad at GOD about.  you still blame HIM for those disappointments.  you’re upset with HIM because life hasn’t turned out the way you wanted it to.  and that underlying resentment keeps you from totally surrendering to GOD.  you’re mad at GOD.  you’re blaming HIM for your unhappiness. 

let’s get real practical.  what is it in your life that you’re still angry at GOD about? 

can a CHRISTian be angry at GOD?  without a doubt!  some of you are angry at the way GOD made you look.  you don’t like your appearance.  “why didn’t GOD make me more beautiful?  why didn’t GOD make me like_______?  then my life would be great.  you don’t like the way you look and you’re still mad at GOD because GOD made you the way you look.

some of you are still resentful at “why didn’t GOD give me different parents?  my dad – my mom ...  they’re looney!” 

some of you are disappointed in your marriage.  it’s not at all what you expected it to be and you’re blaming GOD for it. 

some of you are still resentful about a handicap or a birth defect or a business you’ve started and failed or a marriage that failed or the fact that you’re not married and you’re still single.  what are you carrying resentment at GOD over? 

what are you still angry at GOD about?  that kind of thing is keeping you in turmoil, keeping you at war with GOD and keeping you from experiencing the love and peace that HE wants to pour out in your life.  that unfulfilled dream and you’re mad at GOD about it. 

listen, don’t blame GOD.  just relax and say, “GOD!  YOUr will be done!  YOUr kingdom come.  i accept YOUr plan.  i surrender to YOUr control,” because the war with GOD is keeping you from peace.

sometimes you go out and in all sincerity you pray, you work, you think you’re on the right thing and you go out and do what you think GOD wants you to do and it flat out bombs!  what do you do with that?  don’t worry.  it’s all a part of GOD’s plan and HE’s moving you to where HE wants to take you. 

just a thought from the front porch…

anger or authority and assurance…

how do our dreams past the test?

when i face the test of denial, the answer is commitment.  when someone denies the dream it’s an opportunity for me to express a new and fresh commitment to GOD and to that dream. 

when i face the test of doubt, the answer is scripture, GOD’s word.

for joseph GOD’s word was the dream, he had to go back to the dream again for GOD’s word.  but we have a bible to look at.  we can look at this bible to find the answers for GOD’s dream for our lives.  dreams are personal so when people react with doubt at our dream we often react with anger.  one of the common things when people doubt our dream, especially if it’s someone important to us – a parent, brother, sister, close friend, pastor – is an angry reaction of “i’ll prove them wrong.” 

what happens then is our dream turns into a vendetta.  instead of following GOD’s dream for our lives we’re trying to prove somebody else wrong.  and that’s no way to find GOD’s will for our lives.  instead of saying, “i'm going to prove somebody else wrong” or instead of allowing somebody else’s doubts to cause you to admit defeat and give up, there’s a better test.  it’s the test of scripture.

GOD given dreams always have to pass the test of scripture.  what does GOD’s word say?  does it strengthen this dream or are there some things here that make me begin to doubt this is GOD’s dream for my life.  when you take a GOD-given dream and you start to read through GOD’s word with that dream on your mind saying, “LORD, if it’s right, show me.  if it’s wrong, show me.” when you start to ask people you respect who know the word, “is this a GOD given dream, does it fit with scripture?” one of two things are going to happen. 

you’re either going to find out it’s not GOD’s dream or it is.  and if you find out it is, the test of scripture does two great things.  first of all it adds authority to your dream and then it adds assurance to your dream.  if you get GOD’s authority you know you have something to say.  but also you know you have an inner assurance. 

just a thought from the front porch…

the wrong kind of anger…

if you want to deal with cranky co-workers, you resolve conflict quickly. don't let it go on and on.

if you have a conflict at your business, with people you work with, or in your home or at school, you deal with it quickly. you don't let it fester. that's a big mistake.

have you ever used this line? well, we'll just ignore it and hope it goes away.

let me ask you, from experience have you found that to work? no way. it does not work. ignoring conflict does not get rid of it.

ephesians 4.26-27 (tev), if you become angry, do not let your anger lead you into sin; and do not stay angry all day. don't give the devil a chance.

question, should a CHRISTian ever get angry? answer, yes. JESUS did. but did JESUS ever sin? no. so evidently there is a right way to get angry and there is a wrong way to get angry.

notice it says here, if you become angry, do not let your anger lead you into sin. that implies that there is an anger that leads you into sin and that there is an anger that doesn't lead you into sin. there is a right way to get angry and a wrong way to get angry.

you say, what's the wrong kind of anger?

well it says right here. the wrong kind of anger is when it is not resolved quickly. if you become angry, do not let you anger lead you into sin, and don't stay angry all day. that is giving the devil a chance. resolve it quickly. don't be angry all day.

the phillips translation says, never go to bed angry. now that would keep a few of us up sometimes. if you said in your marriage that you weren't going to be angry, you would probable resolve conflicts allot quicker.

don't let anger hang on. because anger that is not dealt with quickly turns into resentment. and turns into bitterness. and bitterness is always sin. resentment is always sin, it is always wrong.

just a thought from the front porch…

GOD is not angry with me…

romans 8.1 (niv), therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in CHRIST JESUS.

fact: GOD is not angry with me.

GOD did not send HIS SON into the world to condemn it but to save it. john 3.17 (nlt)

so many people i meet are walking around in self condemnation, beating themselves continuously for their past. they won't let themselves go, they won't forgive themselves, much less accept forgiveness from GOD.

there is a church in israel called the church of the flagellation. there are a lot of churches like that in america. you go to church and they beat on you, week after week. a lot of people really don't feel like they've been preached to unless they've been given a verbal spanking and slapped on the hands and whipped. “pastor, that message was so good! it made me feel so bad!” that's masochism to feel like you haven't been to worship unless you you've been run over by a bulldozer.

GOD has made it possible for us to live a life without condemnation. even if there weren't a heaven, it would be worth it to become a CHRISTian just to have a clear conscious, to know that GOD is not mad at me. HE wants to be my friend, not my enemy.

it doesn't say “there are no mistakes for those in CHRIST JESUS or no failures.” obviously CHRISTians fail, they make mistakes. CHRISTians are not perfect, but we are forgiven. if we just stopped right here, closed our computer, that's enough reason in the world to be positive. we are not under condemnation. GOD has made it possible to live a life without condemnation.

just a thought from the front porch…

anger, irritation or love…

it is also important to say the message you want to get through to the person you love, to say it lovingly. paul had some brutal truths he had to share with the people at corinth, his friends. the bible tells us in 2 corinthians 6.13 (mes), i’m speaking as plainly as i can with great affection. he spoke it in a loving way.

you never use truth as a club. you never beat people up with the truth. you never hit them over the head with it. you say it in a loving way. and how do you know if you’re saying it in a loving way? it’s for their benefit, not yours. if you feel good in saying it, you’re probably saying it for your own benefit.

by the way, you never confront anonymously. that’s unloving. if a person doesn’t have the courage to confront and say who they are, how can you respond to them? you never ever confront anybody anonymously. that’s the coward’s way out. if you’re doing it anonymously, it means you’re not doing it in love. you’re doing it in anger or irritation.

you say it in love. one woman said, “in my 20s, my older sister had an emotional breakdown from the abuse we both experienced as kids. she started seeing a counselor. she urged me to get counsel, too, but i told her i didn’t believe CHRISTians need counseling. GOD would take care of all my problems. however, throughout my life i was plagued with sleeplessness and night terrors. i’d wake up terrified that the devil was after me. so i’d stay up all night scared to death, reading my bible and praying for deliverance but feeling no relief. i started acting out my fears at work, and then one day my boss who was a CHRISTian called me into his office and lovingly confronted me with the truth. he said, ‘you must get some counseling.’ he even had a name and number of a CHRISTian counselor ready for me. because he cared enough to level with me in love, i got help and i haven’t had night terrors in 10 years.”

speaking the truth in love. what if he hadn’t had the courage and the love to care about that employee? she’d still be in pain today. but he said it in a loving way.

just a thought from the front porch

will you expect GOD to love you?…

again GOD says in exodus 34.6 (nlt), I am the LORD, the merciful and gracious GOD. I am slow to anger, rich in unfailing love and faithfulness. and again I want to emphasize that GOD is not waiting to get you. HE’s waiting to love you.

so why don’t you step over the line and say, “GOD, instead of living in fear of YOU, i want to get to know YOU better, the ONE who loves me the most.”

we’ve talked about how you and i can begin to break through this thing of becoming so easily angered. to do that, you have to trust GOD. you can’t do it on your own, on your own strength. you ask GOD for the strength to break that pattern of anger. then you get in with a group of people who are trusting HIM to encourage patience rather than encourage anger. you pray to HIM about your problems and you find his peace in your life. then ask for HIS wisdom when it comes to the need to get some rest, to slow down a little bit. you expect GOD’s love to strengthen you in the realities of life.

will you expect GOD to love you?

if that’s your desire, if you’d say, i want to break through that. i want to be a different person, just tell GOD that. say something like, “GOD, i don’t want to be an angry person.” pray that to GOD. “i want to be a loving person. i choose to expect YOUr love to not only forgive me but to direct and to guide me. beginning today, give me the faith that i need to focus on that which is good and right and pure. to focus on you.” we pray this in JESUS’ name. amen.

just a thought from the front porch…

HIS unfailing love and faithfulness...

thomas a kempis said 600 years ago, “be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be.” that’s a lowering of expectations.

how do you do that? how do you change your thinking this next week?

philippians 4.8 (tlb) invites us to do that and tells us how. fix your thoughts on what is true and good and right. think about things that are pure and lovely. dwell on the fine good things in others. think about all you can praise GOD for and be glad about. dwell on the fine, good things in others.

find the one good thing you can dwell on in people’s lives. find the one good thing you can dwell on in one person this next week.

some people get angry because GOD put thorns among the roses. other people praise him for putting roses among the thorns. what’s it going to be for you? look for the roses among the thorns this week.

when it comes to the issue of expectation, maybe the greatest change in expectation for you needs to be your expectation of what a relationship with GOD is like. GOD says in exodus 34.6 (nlt), I am the LORD, the merciful and gracious GOD. I am slow to anger, rich in unfailing love and faithfulness. foucs on unfailing love and faithfulness.

that exact phrase is used no less that nine times in the bible. GOD wants us to get this. what kind of relationship can you expect from GOD? one filled with judgment? one filled with guilt? if you expect that, you’re going to be afraid of GOD. who wouldn’t be afraid of a being of immeasurable power who has his thumb poised to squish you at the slightest sign of any mistake?

but the bible says that’s not what you can expect from GOD. HE’s slow to anger. HE is rich in love toward you. HE is rich in compassion toward you. HE loves you more than you could ever imagine. HE sent HIS SON JESUS to die on a cross because of the depth of love HE has for you. that’s what GOD’s like. HE’s not waiting to get you. HE’s waiting to love you.

just a thought from the front porch…

lower your expectations a little bit...

and finally, the most important thing that you could do to not be so quick to anger is change your expectations. our anger always starts in our thoughts – our expectations of how things are going to work out.

proverbs 4.23 (ncv) says, be careful what you think because your thoughts run your life. the way you think eventually is going to run your life. we have expectations of what’s going to happen. when those expectations don’t match reality, the further apart those are, the angrier we become. we tend to get angry.

for example, you buy a christmas present and it says on it: easy assembly required. if it had said, this sucker is going to take 20 hours of your blood, sweat and tears and still not look right, that’s ok. but here you are on christmas eve with bloody knuckles because it says “easy assembly required,” and you’re angry. your expectations and reality just didn’t match.

so … you’re out on the golf course. you’ve got a little white ball, and you’re going to hit it right down the middle of the fairway. that’s your expectation. when expectation doesn’t meet reality, sometimes a broken golf club is a result! when expectations don’t meet reality, we can find ourselves doing the craziest things.

so… you expect a martha stewart thanksgiving. the smell of the turkey wafting from the oven, a perfectly browned turkey. you bring it into the table and set it down to “ahhh” and some light clapping in the background. you expect that you’re going to get along perfectly with someone you haven’t liked for 25 years. you expect soft music playing in the background instead of the football game. or you expect the football game instead of soft music. either way, expectations and reality just aren’t matching.

i encourage you! lower your expectations a little bit. have different expectations for thanksgiving like, “at least no one died from food poisoning this year.” then anything above that is like a win! the stuffing didn’t turn out, but at least no one stuffed the turkey down any one else’s throat. that was a good thing this thanksgiving.

we laugh, but i know what a painful time this can be for some of us. my encouragement to you is to ask GOD for a new sense of expectations. no, it’s not going to turn out perfectly. irritating people are still going to be irritating people. but that doesn’t mean GOD can’t be there. it doesn’t mean GOD’s goodness is not real.

just a thought from the front porch…

a snack and a nap…

#2 of the “top five” things you can do to not be easily angered is to get some rest. more often than not when it comes to being angry, we just need a snack and a nap. that’s what we need to make it through.

there’s no better example of this than elijah in 1 kings 19. elijah is the prophet of GOD. he has just battled 450 false prophets on a mountain. one prophet of GOD against these 450 false prophets. that’s what i would call a poor “prophet” margin! he’s victorious over 450.

the next day queen jezebel says, “this isn’t over yet! i’m still after you.” elijah has a meltdown. he goes ballistic. he runs as fast as he can to the other end of the country, all the way talking about his depression and his anger, all the way talking about what a terrible thing. you can almost hear the wheels spinning. “i have this great victory! couldn’t i enjoy it for one day? no! all of a sudden, she’s after me again.” all the way to the other end of israel he keeps giving the same “poor me!” speech to GOD. “i’m the only one left. you’ve only got me, and look what you’re doing to me.” if you hear yourself continuing to give the same poor me speech, it’s a pretty good indication that you’re too tired. or that you need something to eat.

elijah gets as far away as he can from the situation, and then GOD encourages him to get some rest and eat. 1 kings 19.5 (niv) says, elijah lay down under a tree and fell asleep. all at once an angel touched him and said, [and here’s what the angel came all the way from heaven to earth to say to elijah] “get up and eat.” that’s an important message. lay down and rest. get up and eat. that’s one of the most important things you and i can do to break through the anger in our lives.

one of the reasons why you’re so angry is you are just too busy. the busyness of life, the pace of life is what’s creating so much of this anxiety. GOD invites you, before you do anything else, get some rest. take some time off. take the break that you need. that’s where all this is coming from.

just a thought from the front porch…

i am responsible...

as I said you have to admit that anger is not some other person’s responsibility, not some circumstantial responsibility. it’s my responsibility. instead of blaming others, you take responsibility for your anger in that moment. you must – i must – take responsibility for my anger. if i don’t take responsibility for my anger, no one else is going to take responsibility. if i don’t take responsibility for my anger, i’m going to live with this the rest of my life. i’m going to be a slave to it the rest of my life.

we use phrases like “you make me so mad!” who is responsible in that little phrase? you are! the truth is you don’t make me so mad, the world doesn’t make me so mad, circumstances don’t make me so mad. i make me so mad! the choices i’m making are the things that cause that anger to happen in my life.

once i do that, once i take responsibility for my anger, i begin to do things like GOD encourages us in philippians 4.6-7 (nlt), don’t worry about anything. instead pray about everything. tell GOD what you need and thank HIM for all HE has done. if you do this, you will experience GOD’s peace. you tell GOD what you’re worried about and you experience HIS peace instead of the anxiety and then the anger. you tell GOD you’re grateful even in the midst of difficult days. tell HIM what you’re grateful for. and you experience HIS peace.

just a thought from the front porch…

anger and anxiety…

we have been looking at the “top five” things you can do to not be easily angered and #3 is release your worries to GOD. because our worries and anxieties often take us down a road that lead us straight to anger. anger and anxiety are closely connected.

psalm 37.8 (lb) says, stop your anger. turn off your wrath. don’t fret and worry. it only leads to harm.

fretting and worrying often leads to anger and wrath in our lives because we’re anxious. it comes out in angry words.

in the movie toy story, the toy woody is angry with the toy buzz because he’s feeling some loss in his life. he’s feeling anxious about losing his place in the toy world.

when you’re filled with anger, ask yourself, “what am i worried about? what am i anxious about?” it will often help you to break through. the loving thing is to ask yourself those questions about the person you love who may be angry. what are they worried about? what are they anxious about? what’s going on?

that means that you have to admit that anger is not some other person’s responsibility, not some circumstantial responsibility. it’s my responsibility. instead of blaming others, you take responsibility for your anger in that moment. you must – i must – take responsibility for my anger. if i don’t take responsibility for my anger, no one else is going to take responsibility. if i don’t take responsibility for my anger, i’m going to live with this the rest of my life. i’m going to be a slave to it the rest of my life.

just a thought from the front porch…

four words that change things…

don’t hang around angry people. some of you might be thinking, “what if the angry person is somebody in my family? how do i handle this?

that’s an honest question. what if it’s my husband/wife, how do i deal with that? the bible has an answer for this, too. it tells what to do in our closest relationships to make sure that anger doesn’t continually happen in those relationships. this is a great verse for you to memorize. proverbs 15.1 (msg), a gentle response diffuses anger, but a sharp tongue kindles the fire. this is a verse that you want to use toward yourself – internally.

in the midst of an argument, you want to use it for yourself, not like on someone else. you don’t look at someone else and say, a gentle response diffuses anger.

gentle does not mean be quiet. you can be quietly sarcastic or harsh and cause just as much anger. in your relationship, let’s say you are the quieter one when you argue. but you can be just as harsh. there’s a word that i can use – a single word – that can push my wife, margaret’s buttons. it is when i say “dear!” there’s nothing at all gentle about that as quietly as i might say it. gentle does not mean quiet. it means humble. it means i’m thinking about the other person in this moment. it means i’m taking just enough of a step back and thinking what might they need.

that means that in dealing with anger there is a loving phrase that we need to learn to say – “i could be wrong.” try that just once this week and see what happens. see how it changes things.

just a thought from the front porch…

calm you or make you angrier…

#4. guard your relationships.

you will become an angry person if you hang out with angry people. that’s what the bible says. proverbs 22.24-25 (msg) says, don’t hang out with angry people. don’t keep company with hotheads. bad temper is contagious. don’t get infected. others’ anger can easily infect you.

at its core, anger is an emotion that seeks to correct wrong. when you feel angry, you feel wronged. that’s why there’s a good kind of anger. there’s some genuine wrongs in this world that need to be corrected. the best example obviously is terrorists attacking innocent victims. we should be angry about that. it is a wrong that needs to be corrected.

in an argument, oftentimes you feel like you’ve been wronged for all kinds of wrongs that you make up in your mind that are much greater in your imagining.

you also know that there are people in your life who can help you calm down in that situation. but there are other people who will cause you to become angrier. you get around the wrong kind of person, and they’ll just build on it. you say, “somebody at work said something that bothers me.” they’ll look at you and say, “bothers you? you should be angry about that! you should go back and tell them what you think.” then you go back and tell them what you think, and they say, “why do you do that?” that’s what happens in that circumstance.

there are people in your life who cause you to become angrier. the bible says watch out for those kinds of people. they say phrases like, “you deserve better... you should be angry… i’d tell them what i think if i were you.” but they don’t tell you proverbs 11:23 (msg), wicked ambition ends in angry frustration. if it’s all about me and what i want, it’s always going to end up in angry frustration.

just a thought from the front porch…

when it comes to anger, we are stupid...

remember that old doritos commercial that said, “eat all you want. we’ll make more.” your body is like that with anger. yell all you want. your body will make more anger. become angry all you want. your body will churn out more anger. there’s an anger assembly line inside of you. you can just churn it out day after day. you find yourself on this downhill slide, caught up in this pattern of anger.

proverbs 14.29 (msg) says, slowness to anger makes for deep understanding. a quick tempered person stockpiles stupidity. a quick temper makes you act in more and more foolish ways every day. it’s stupid.

there is an animated computer game called worm. these silly little worms throw things at other worms on the other side. what you’re trying to do is hit them before they hit you. one thing about the game though is often when you throw something at the other worm, it goes straight up in the air and comes back down and hits you in the head. then the little worm says, “stupid!”

when it comes to anger, we are stupid! why is anger stupid? because it hurts me. it shortens my life. why is it stupid? it hurts the person that i love the most. it damages our relationship.

proverbs 25.28 (tev) says, if you cannot control your anger, you’re as helpless as a city without walls, open to attack. defenseless. when you’re angry, all the defenses come down. you’ll say anything to win the argument, even if you’ve told yourself, “i would never say that!” no matter how hurtful it might be, you’ll say it. sometimes you do anything, the craziest things, things you never imagined yourself doing. that’s the danger. all the defenses come down.

does this mean i’m supposed to pretend i’m not angry? that i just stuff it? no. holding it back doesn’t mean you stuff it. ephesians 4.26-27 (niv) gives us the practical steps to break the pattern of anger. in your anger, do not sin. do not let the sun go down while you’re still angry. do not give the devil a foothold. notice, do not sin.

that means sometimes you need to wait until the temperature cools to have a conversation. if you talk right away when you’re feeling that red-hot gauge of anger, you’re going to say the wrong things. back off a little bit. let things cool down. do not sin. speak when you’re angry, and you’ll make the best speech you’ll ever regret. cool down for a minute.

notice also, do not let the sun go down. do not let the sun go down on your anger. don’t let it go past one day. that means you can’t wait so long that the cooling gauge goes to freezing. that happens very quickly. all of a sudden we can’t talk about it. there’s nothing to say about it. your anger becomes frozen rage, frozen bitterness because it’s cooled so far. the bible says talk about it that day. give yourself time to cool off, talk about it that day and you won’t get in this extended pattern of anger. you were not made by GOD to live in an extended state of anger.

just a thought from the front porch…

break the pattern of anger...

GOD has a better way to deal with the anger we sometimes feel in our lives.

i’d like to take a little different angle on it. 1 corinthians 13.5 (niv) says, love is not easily angered. james 1.19 (niv) says, everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. the bible doesn’t say don’t get angry. it just says don’t become easily angered – be slow to become angry.

there were times that JESUS was angry, so obviously there are times when it’s right to be angry. the bible says in mark 10.14 (tev), when JESUS noticed this, HE was angry, and HE said to his disciples, “let the children come to me.” HE was angry that the children weren’t being allowed to talk to HIM. it doesn’t say don’t get angry. it says don’t be easily angered.

what about not being easily angered? being slow to become angry? i’ve read a lot of what to do once the gauge gets red hot with anger. is there anything you can do to not have the gauge peg out so often?

yes there is. if, in your car, you waited until the gauge flashed red to put water in, that would be very damaging to your car. sometimes we do that with anger. there are some things you can do to not get there so often. be slow to become angry. there are dozens of things. i’m going to look at a top five list of what you and i can do to not become so easily angered. if you’ve found yourself to be constantly angry lately, this focus is for you. it’s for all of us because we all deal with it.

#5. break the pattern of anger.

it is easy to get caught up in the pattern of anger where anger breeds more anger breeds more anger. and it gets worse and worse. it’s a downhill slide.

there is a lot of anger in our movies. like the movie what about bob? it just gets worse and worse. you see the pattern throughout the movie. it’s an escalating pattern of anger from worse to worse to worse. some of you have been on that downhill slide. you may be on it right now. you know what that’s all about. instead of asking, “what about bob?” i want to ask, “what about GOD? what does GOD have to say about why this happens?”

proverbs 29.11 (nlt) says, a fool gives full vent to anger. a wise person quietly holds it back. it says, fool. it’s foolish to give full vent to your anger. why is it foolish? doesn’t that just get it out? make everything better? no! to give full vent to your anger just creates more anger. it gets worse.

just a thought from the front porch…

a long fuse rather than a short one…

let me ask you a personal question. here it is…how many times at least in the last month would you say, “i have become angry or had an argument?” how many times?

we are starting here on the porch a new focus in answering the question “what is love?.” our new focus is about how you and i can experience what it means for love to be patient. this isn’t just patient with circumstances. this is patience in our relationships, patience with people. it takes you a long time to boil over. you have a long fuse rather than a short fuse.

this is important in our society – learning to be patient. the truth is, anger in our relationships is not something that’s decreasing. it’s more and more increasing. we see each and every day and each and every year new evidences of the increase of violence and anger in our society.

i was reading some quotes this last week about this. this has been going on for a long time. two hundred years ago thomas jefferson wrote, “when angry, count to 10 before you speak. if very angry, a hundred.” a hundred or so years ago mark twain wrote, “when angry count to four. when very angry, swear.” a little change in a hundred years.

you watch most of our movies today, and it’s “when angry, blow them away, right away.”

things are changing, and we need to figure out that all of us struggle with this thing called anger in our relationships. so we’re going to talk some about this.

for those of you who are maybe just leaning back in your chair and thinking, “i got this one covered. other people get angry but not me,” let me take a moment to remind us: anger is expressed in our relationships in a lot of different ways. you don’t have to be a loud person to be struggling with anger. in fact, i was reading a study in american demographics that says in terms of arguments, 23% of people say they openly express their anger, 39% do something to hide or contain their anger (they bottle it up), 23% walk away from the situation. all of which are bad ways to deal with an angry situation.

in anger in relationships, usually we have one of two strategies. some of us are what i would call skunks; some of us are what i would call turtles. you know the difference. a skunk is the one who, when an argument occurs, you sort of spew. everybody in the room knows how you feel. you stink up the place, and you want everybody to know. then there are some of you who are turtles. when the bad times come, your head goes right back in the shell. neither of those ways work. GOD has a better way to deal with the anger we sometimes feel in our lives.

just a beginning thought from the front porch…

there are feelings that we fear...

there are some feelings that really frighten us. one of the feelings we don’t like to admit is hurt. so we play this game called “is something wrong?” have you ever played this game at your house? somebody will say, “is something wrong?” no, no, everything’s just fine. “i can tell something’s wrong.” no. “did i hurt your feelings?” no, you didn’t hurt my feelings!

we don’t want to admit when we have hurt feelings. we don’t like to admit it.

another kind of feeling we don’t like to admit is anger. “i can tell you’re angry.” i am not angry. “yes you are!” i am not angry!

a lot of spouses just stuff their anger down. they don’t want to rock the boat. they don't want to upset the apple cart. so they swallow their anger and of course their stomach keeps score.

studies have shown that the healthiest families are not those that argue all the time. but they’re also not those who never argue. if you never have any conflict in your family you’re stuffing it. because there’s no way imperfect people can live together without having some conflict. no way. so it means you’re stuffing it, you’re putting it under the carpet if you never have any conflict.

you are imperfect and your spouse is imperfect. you married a sinner and she married a bigger one. there’s no way that two imperfect people can create a perfect relationship. forget it. don’t expect it. nobody has a perfect relationship because there are no perfect people. you’re going to have conflict.

the healthiest families are not those who have no conflict or who have it all the time. but those who have occasional conflict but they know how to resolve it, they know how to fight fair, they know how to resolve it without destroying each other, they know how to make up and they know how to grow from conflict. conflict can be good. it’s the only way you can grow to deeper intimacy. if you don’t ever face issues truthfully and honestly you’re at a pseudo intimacy level.

there’s another feeling that we fear. sexual feelings. most couples just don’t know how to talk about this. studies have shown that sixty percent of all married couples are dissatisfied with their physical relationship but they don’t even know how to bring up the subject. they don’t know how to talk about what they need, how to deal with it without hurting each other. if you don’t talk about it how do you expect any change? you’re mate is not a mind reader. there is no intimacy without honesty. so you have to deal with your feelings.

just a thought from the front porch…

build up not tear down...

in building each other up we need to correct without condemning.

proverbs 19.18 (ncv), correct your children while there is still hope. do not let them destroy themselves.

the bible says we need to correct our children. we need to even correct each other as adults. how do you do that without condemning?

one way is to never correct in anger.

whether you’re a manager, a teacher or a parent. never correct in anger. when you correct in anger, you’re just most of the time getting even.

i have to admit to you that when my kids frustrated me it felt good to let off steam. it feels good to get angry. it’s all been building up inside of you and you want to let it out. but when you discipline in anger, it always produces anger in return and resentment. and you will reap what you sow. you’re setting yourself up for a problem. you may get the perceived desired behavior that you want but you are sowing seeds of rebellion when you discipline in anger.

ephesians 6.4 (lb), don’t keep on scolding and nagging your children making them angry and resentful, - “angry” and “resentful” are the two results when you scold or nag - rather bring them up with loving discipline that the LORD himself approves with suggestions and GODly advice.

also watch your words when you are correcting. ephesians 4.29 (lb), don’t use harmful words. use only helpful words, the kind that build up.

when you use harmful words, harmful words always become hurtful memories. we always remember negative things said to us far longer, criticisms far longer than compliments.

you can still remember hurtful things said to you when you were a child but you don’t remember all the compliments. you may use put downs, sarcasms, comparisons (“why can’t you be like…” or “you’re always like…”), you may be able to manipulate through guilt, through anger, but you are sowing seeds of rebellion that are going to destroy the relationship even though you get the perceived behavior at that time.

one of the main reasons why your mate may now have no feelings for you is because at one time you may have said something that really hurt them and you never asked them for forgiveness.

just a thought from the front porch…