minimize and then recognize…

we are dealing here on the front porch with loneliness and how you deal with it.  first of all you utilize your time.  make the best of a bad situation.

and then you minimize the hurt.  you play it down.  you don’t rehearse it.  you don’t go over and over it.  that just makes it bigger and more painful.  you refuse to become resentful.

paul who was in prison writes in 2 timothy 4.16 (niv), at my first defense no one came to my support but everyone deserted me.  his response: may it not be held against them.  he is not going to be bitter.  resentment only makes you lonelier.  it builds walls around your life.  nobody likes to be around a cynic or critic or resentful person.  it just makes you more lonely.  it drives people away.  minimize your hurt.  play it down.  you don’t make a big deal about it.

after that you recognize GOD’s presence.

where is GOD when you’re lonely?  HE’s right there with you. there is no place that you are that GOD is not.  GOD is everywhere.  you just need to open your eyes and see, “he is here with me.”  verse 17 (niv), but the LORD stood at my side and gave me strength.  JESUS said, i will never leave you.  no matter where you go, GOD’s presence is with you.  open your eyes!

there is no place that you are that GOD isn’t.  when you’re lonely, you utilize the time.  make the best of a bad situation. you make the most of it.  utilize your time and minimize the hurt.  don’t make a big deal about it.  play it down and pray it up as schuller says.  minimize the hurt.

then recognize GOD’s presence.  paul says, “i’m here all alone.  i’m in a roman prison, dark, dank roman prison.  at the end of my life, i’m going to die, and all of my friends have left me.”  but the LORD stood at my side and gave me strength.

prayer is a powerful antidote to loneliness.  david got very lonely.  read the psalms.  david would say, “GOD, i’m lonely!  i don't like it!”  and he poured out his hurt to GOD.  some of the most beautiful psalms were written in times of loneliness.  david said, where can i go from YOUr presence?  if i go up to heaven, YOU’re there.  if i go to sheol, YOU’re there.  if i take the wings of a dove, where would i fly?  YOU’re there!  you can’t get away from GOD’s presence, so open your eyes and recognize.

amy grant wrote a song, “i love a lonely day, because it forces me to focus on GOD.”

you minimize, you utilize, you recognize.

just a thought from the front porch…

rejection…

the apostle paul is in prison and he is lonely and he is writing his 2nd letter to timothy.  and in chapter 4 he give us some thoughts on how to deal with loneliness.  a lot of times we bring loneliness upon ourselves.  but it’s the uncontrollable kind that we’re looking at here on the front porch.

first of all paul shows us 4 causes of loneliness.  you can go back and look at transitions, separation and opposition.  and then there is rejection.  when you feel you’ve been betrayed, forsaken, abandoned.

paul felt deserted.  when things got tough everybody deserted him.  he went for his defense before nero and he said in verse 16 (niv), at my first defense no one came to my support.  here’s one of the greatest CHRISTians in history, no one came to his support.  but everyone deserted me.  paul goes on trial; no one is going to speak up in his defense.  everybody copped out.  you don't see any pity party.  paul doesn’t say, “i’ve spent thirty years in the ministry and this is what i get?”

rejection is the most devastating form of hurt.  the bible teaches that we have emotional needs.  one of our greatest emotional needs is the need to be accepted.  when that need is not fulfilled, when that need is violated, the bible calls that sin.  rejection, when you feel like everybody is going against you.  i think that’s why divorce is so painful.  i think that’s why GOD hates adultery.  It’s a rejection.

loneliness is so painful that people will try anything to relieve it.  they take drugs, they get drunk.  they go to a computerized dating service.  you name it!  i heard about one guy who went to a psychiatrist and asked for a split personality so he would have somebody to live with.

just a thought from the front porch…

4 qualifications to make as much money as you can…

scripture says you can make as much money as you can in your life as long as you meet these four qualifications.

1.  as long as it doesn’t hurt your own health.   some people literally work themselves to death.  they amass a personal fortune and then have a heart attack.  scripture teaches that health must always take priority over wealth.  proverbs 23.4 (niv), do not wear yourselves out to get rich.  have the wisdom to show restraint.  there are so many people working themselves to death trying to afford things that really we don’t need.  don’t wear yourself out trying to get rich.  health must take a priority over wealth. 

2.  as long as it doesn’t hurt my family.  how many homes have fallen apart because kids are being ignored while parents are too busy making money to buy things for their kids?  i discovered early on that what my kids wanted was not so much things but me.  they just wanted me to spend time with them.  they’d rather have my time that anything i could afford.  we get so busy making a living that we forget to have a life.

3.  as long as it doesn’t hurt other people.  this is the exact opposite of the world’s view which says, it’s a dog eat dog world, get all you can get.  GOD demands that we make money honestly and fairly.  proverbs 22.20 (niv), a fortune can be made from cheating but there’s a curse that goes with it.  we are going to reap what we sow.  proverbs 16.8 (niv), it’s better to have a little, honestly earned than a large income dishonestly gained.

4.  as long as i keep my SPIRITual life on the same level.  the principle of balance.  as long as my spiritual growth is progressing at the level as my financial prosperity, go ahead and make what you can.  3 john 2 (niv), beloved i wish that you may prosper and be in health even as your soul prospers.  john says i pray that GOD will bless you financially as you are blessed SPIRITually.  i pray that you will prosper as much financially as you prosper SPIRITually.  GOD wants us to be in balance.  if my income and your income were at the same degree as your walk with the LORD would you be a millionaire or a pauper or somewhere in between.  there must be a balance.

GOD says if you’re going to set financial goals, you need to set SPIRITual ones too.  set some relational goals.  if all you do is set financial goals then you are out of balance and GOD says it’s wrong.

just a thought from the front porch…

the problem with mercy…

we’re looking at ways you can bless people with your words and this one is a little difficult.

you bless others when you offer mercy.

the truth is we all stumble, we all sin, we all blow it, we all make mistakes, we’re all imperfect.  so we all need massive doses of mercy.  since we’re all imperfect this may be the most common way to bless other people.  when people around you make a mistake – at work, at school, at home – what do you do?  you should show mercy. 

2 corinthians 2.7 (cev), when people sin you should forgive and comfort them so they won’t give up in despair.  it’s what you do after people make a mistake that makes the real difference in their lives.  do you write them off?  do you put them on your black list?  do you hold a grudge and say, “i’m not going to associate with you any more.”  or do you as the bible says comfort and forgive them so they don’t give into despair. 

mercy is an attitude of GOD.  in fact, over 100 times in the old testament it says, “GOD is merciful.”  if you’re going to learn to be like GOD, if you’re going to learn to grow spiritually and become like JESUS CHRIST, you must learn to be merciful.  the bible says in ephesians 2.4 (Gw), GOD is rich in mercy. 

here’s the problem.  there’s only one way to learn mercy.  by being hurt.  that’s the only way you’re going to learn it.  you see, if nobody ever hurt you and you never have to forgive anybody and if you never have to forgive anybody you’re going to never learn to be like GOD.  so GOD is going to allow some pain, allow some hurt, allow some difficulties in your life where you learn to express mercy.  mercy is treating people just the way GOD treats them. 

you’re never going to have to forgive anybody more than GOD has already forgiven you.  this is the motivation for our mercy.  colossians 3.13 (lb), remember the LORD forgave you so you must forgive others.  we’ve been shown mercy so that’s our motivation.  GOD’s been merciful to me.  i need to be merciful to others.  i need to cut them some slack. 

every time you’re hurt you’ve got a choice.  am i going to use my energy for retaliation or for reconciliation?  am i going to use my energy to get even or to get well?  am i going to use my energy for revenge or am i going to use it for restoration?  you don’t have enough energy to do both.  GOD says, “you want to bless people?  when they blow it, when they make mistakes, when they hurt you, show them mercy.  i have shown mercy to you.  i want you to show mercy to them.” 

just a thought from the front porch…

three rules for confronting other people…

how do i confront a person? well james 1.19 (niv) tells us three rules for confronting other people. everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.

now those are the three rules when you go to confront somebody at work. you be quick to listen, you be slow to speak and then you will be slow to anger.

you see, if you do the first two the third one is automatic. if you are quick to listen and slow to speak, you will be slow to anger.

somebody said, GOD gave us two ears and one mouth then HE wants us to listen twice as much as we talk.

so he says here quick to listen, slow to speak. what do you listen for?

you listen for the hurt. you listen for the hurt in that person because hurt people hurt people. hurting people always hurt other people.

when you have somebody who is being a jerk at work, it is because that person is hurting. and when you understand their hurt then maybe you have a little better understanding of why they do what they do and you are a little more patient with them. understanding always brings patience.

when we don't understand things then we are impatient with them. when we are understanding then we are a whole lot more patient with them.

just a thought from the front porch…

when hurt can help...

in confronting someone you love in a loving attitude you start with the correct motivation. what is the right motive? to help, not to hurt. the reason you speak the truth in love, you confront with a loving attitude, is to help the person, not to hurt them. you’re doing it in love.

we see this in paul’s letter to the corinthians. in 2 corinthians 12, he has just brutally been honest with them about things that were out of whack in their lives. he says you need more commitment, this is wrong, it needs to be changed. in chapter 12 verse 19 (nlt) he says, we tell you this as CHRIST’s servants and everything we do dear friends is for your benefit. he says, i’m not saying this just to get a kick out of it. i’m saying it for your benefit.

proverbs 27.6 (Gw) says, wounds made by a friend are intended to help. before we can talk about how to confront someone in love, the issue is, who do i do it with? the answer is real simple – only people you care about. if you don’t care about the person, you don’t go around making yourself the policeman of the world or pointing out error in stranger’s lives. that’s not your job. but if you have proven you love a person, you have a right to point out things that would be for their best. you only do it for people you love. so you only do it with people you want to have a relationship with. if you don’t want a relationship, you don’t do it. you just avoid it. you don’t confront the clerk who’s being a jerk, you just avoid him. or you point out things in people you deeply care about, you see them heading the wrong direction and wasting their life.

if you never confront anyone, you’re never going to be close to anyone. because closeness only comes through conflict and confrontation.

just a thought from the front porch…

to get past the forgiveness barrier…

it is not always possible, it is not always advisable that you physically go back to the people who hurt you. you shouldn’t always go back to that person. things may have changed. they may be unaware of how they hurt you. they may have remarried. maybe it would make matters worse. maybe they’ve moved away, and it’s impossible to find them. they may have died. some of you hold resentment against people who are no longer even alive. it’s not always advisable or even possible to go back to that person.

one of the things you can do is the technique of the empty chair. you set an empty chair in front of you, and you imagine that person in it and say, “GOD, i don’t know where they are, and i don’t know if it would even be the right thing to go back to them. it might stir up a hornet’s nest. but right now, i’m imagining that person there. i forgive them in the name of JESUS CHRIST. i’m giving up my right to get even. i’m letting it go. i’m asking YOU to help me to want YOU to bless that person.

another way is to write a letter to the person that you never mail. you spell out your pain. you say, “what you did hurt me. that rejection, that abuse, that mistrust, that betrayal, that criticism, that neglect, that apathy – whatever. that hurt me.” and you spell it out. you don’t minimize it. “but i have been forgiven so much by GOD, and i know that this is the right thing to do. i don’t want to go on with my life feeling and holding this resentment, this grudge, this pain, this burden in my heart.” because what you’d be doing is continuing to allow them to control you. “so i’m letting you go.” you write it in the letter, and you never mail the letter.

what i’ve described to you is not easy. it’s not easy at all. in fact, i have no doubt that there’s some relationships right here, there’s some marriages that are about to self-destruct. and they’re about to self-destruct not because of a hurt that was done – the hurt was the instigator – but because of the unforgiveness. it is not the hurt that destroys the marriage; it’s the refusal to forgive that destroys the marriage. it’s holding on and holding it over the person’s head. and some of you are in so much pain that every bone in your body wants to run out of that marriage, run out of that relationship – find somebody new just to ease the pain.

these steps are not easy, but with GOD’s power, you can do it. there’s a line in a song that says, “we can’t just trust our feelings. we have to stand in the LORD.” that’s the only way you’re going to get past this forgiveness barrier. you say, “i don’t feel like forgiving.” who does? nobody ever feels like forgiving. you do it because it’s the right thing to do, and you do it to get on with your life. we have to stand in the LORD.

just a thought from the front porch…

resentment isn't smart...

when you hold on to resentment, you allow people to continue to hurt you today. and that’s not smart. in fact, it’s quite dumb. the people in your past are past. they cannot continue to hurt you unless you choose to hold on to the hurt. why would you do that? why would you hold on to a hurt that can neither be changed nor controlled? all you’re doing is making yourself miserable.

so you relinquish your right to get even. the bible says this in hebrews 12.15 (ph), be careful that none of you fails to respond to the grace which GOD gives. for if HE does there can very easily spring up in him a bitter spirit which is not only bad in itself but it can also poison the lives of many others. and resentment can be passed on from generation to generation to generation. you don’t just make yourself miserable when you’re bitter. you make everybody else around you miserable too. it is a worthless emotion. i relinquish my right to get even.

just a thought from the front porch…

shallow, faulty forgiveness…

forgiveness is not my right when i wasn’t the one that was hurt. only the victim has the right to forgive. you can’t forgive people who haven’t hurt you.

i need to talk about this for a second because this is the big fad in america right now. the big fad is to offer blanket forgiveness to anybody, anywhere who’s hurt anyone just in case somebody, somewhere might feel guilty. so we’re out there running around forgiving all kinds of people that we have no business or no legitimate right to forgive.

some of you remember a few years ago a 14-year-old boy who shot and killed three high-school girls in paducah, ky. before those girls had even been buried, their bodies were probably still warm, some well-meaning kids at the high school the next morning put up a sign to the killer that said, “we forgive you, mike.”

those kids meant well, and they probably thought they were doing the CHRISTian thing, but they didn’t have the right to forgive because they weren’t the victims. how do you think that made the parents feel, the brothers and sisters of those girls? they hadn’t even worked through their grief yet. yes, they could come to a place of forgiveness themselves, but somebody was short-circuiting the system illegitimately. those high-school kids had no right to forgive them. they hadn’t been the ones who were hurt.

a few years back a national leader announced that we must all forgive osama bin laden. he said, “i have forgiven osama bin laden.” there’s only one problem. he didn’t have any relatives in the world trade center. he wasn’t the one who was personally hurt. he didn’t have any right to do that. only the victim has the right to forgive.

how would you like it if you had a daughter who was raped and murdered and then i went to the murderer and said, “i forgive you. you’re forgiven.” would that short-circuit anything? yes. would i have the right to forgive that person? no. not at all.

this is shallow, faulty forgiveness. it’s not my place. you can only forgive those who’ve hurt you. and others can only forgive those who’ve hurt them. it’s meaningless to short circuit. if somebody’s house gets robbed, and i go to the robber and say, “i forgive you. it didn’t bother me!”

there is always a cost to sin. and there’s always a cost to forgiveness. and that’s why you have to let it go and you have to reach out to that offender.

just a thought from the front porch…

the only antidote for a hurtful memory...

what happens if i don't depend on GOD's grace when i’m in pain? what happens if i just rely on myself and try to work out the problem? "i can handle it on my own." what happens when i face a hurt or a problem, crisis or stress and i don't depend on GOD's grace?

hebrews 12.15 (phillips), be careful that none of you fails to respond to the grace of GOD for if he does there can spring up in him a bitter spirit which can poison the lives of many others.

when you try to handle a hurt on your own, you're going to get bitter. resentment is the result of trying to handle all of your problems in your own power. you become cynical, critical and you allow bitterness. you raise your hand to GOD in an angry fist and say, "why me?" you put on a black tie and have a pity party for yourself. "poor me! look at this problem in my life!" you're not relying on the grace of GOD.

before I retired as a pastor, i met hurting people all the time. you can take two people, put them in the same exact situation and one of them is devastated by it and they become resentful and poisoned by the attitude. the other has a sweet, sweet spirit.

how is it that you see some people that you know have problems that are overwhelming, are under increased pressure, unusual pain in their lives that is not even their own fault and they maintain a sweet, sweet spirit? how is that possible?

it's possible because those people are relying on the sustaining grace of GOD.

some of you have been hurt very deeply in the past and you still remember it and it hurts. just the very thought of that memory makes you tense. some of you ladies were hurt by your fathers or by a brother or a husband. some of you men have been hurt at work or in your home and when you think about that hurt it still kind of brings a tear to your eye.

how do you get rid of a hurtful memory like that? there is only one way. the only antidote to a painful memory is the grace of GOD. you receive GOD's grace into your life and then you offer it to that offending person and let them go. you don't hold on to hurt.

the person in your past that hurt you can no longer hurt you unless you let them. let them go! receive GOD's grace into your life and then be gracious and offer forgiveness to that person and let them go, for your own sake. it's the only antidote. grace can pull you through tough times.

just a thought from the front porch…

the only way to let go of the pain...

so who do you need to reconnect with? maybe you need to reach out. and you need to stop the pain.

why should i forgive them when they’ve hurt me so much? because GOD forgave you and because it’s the only way you’re going to get on with your life. it’s the only way you’re going to let go of the pain. for your own sake, forgive.

so what’s holding you back from doing that? what’s holding you back from reconnecting to that parent, that child, that brother, that sister, that ex, that husband or wife that you’re estranged with or separated from. you’re living in the same house but two different lives. what’s holding you back? fear? pride? resentment?

don’t you think you’ve carried the pain long enough? hasn’t it been enough time? all those things just prolong the pain. why don’t you take the initiative? why don’t you make the first step in honesty and in humility and in forgiveness?

you say, “i know this is the right thing to do but i don’t have the strength in me to do that.” that’s why you need JESUS CHRIST. you’re right, you don't. it takes GOD’s love in you to love the unlovely and to forgive those who’ve offended you. it takes GOD’s love in you to be humble and honest when you’re scared to death to deal with the issue and face it head on. you need JESUS CHRIST in your life.

if you’ve never invited CHRIST into your life why don’t you pray this prayer. just say it in your mind, “JESUS CHRIST, i need you to replace the pain in my heart with your love. replace the hurt with your healing. as much as i know how, JESUS CHRIST, i want you to be at the center of my life and give me the strength to do the right thing. i want to follow you from this day forward. help me to understand it more. thank you for forgiving me. now help me to have the power to forgive others who’ve hurt me. in your name, i pray. amen.”

just a thought from the front porch…

the key to reconnecting after being hurt...

being hurt is just a part of being human. you are an imperfect human being and so is everybody else. you are going to hurt people. sometimes intentionally. sometimes unintentionally. sometimes on purpose. sometimes not on purpose.

people are going to hurt you. a hurt does not have to destroy a relationship. it doesn’t even have to cause a disconnect very long if you will own up to it, admit it, make amends for it, grow from it, reconcile over it. you’re going to hurt even those you love the most. in fact, you’ll probably hurt the most those you love the most because you know them the best and you can get close to them and hurt them in ways other people can’t. hurt doesn’t have to destroy a relationship if you deal with it. but if you hide a hurt it turns into resentment. and hiding a hurt only intensifies the pain. and hidden hostility will eventually eat you up.

what’s the key to reconnecting when you’ve been hurt? the reconnection is forgiveness. there is only one antidote in the entire universe for dealing with hurt. there’s only one thing that will help you get over your hurt. forgiveness. nothing else can do it. no pill, no therapy, no book, no seminar, no tape, no trying to push it out of the way and deny it and forget it. it’s not going to heal the hurt. they say, “time heals everything.” it does not. have you ever sat in a doctor’s office? you didn’t get well waiting. time makes some hurts deeper, worse. you need to forgive.

why should i forgive? two reasons:

1. JESUS CHRIST has forgiven you. you’ll never have to forgive anybody else more than GOD’s already forgiven you.

2. it’s the only way you’re going to get over your hurt. there is no other way. for your own sake you need to forgive. i didn’t say they deserved it. they don’t deserve it. you didn’t deserve to be forgiven by GOD. it’s not a matter of deserving. it’s a matter for your own sake the only way you can get on with your life is to let go of the pain. and the only way you can let go of the pain is to forgive those who’ve hurt you. if you hold on to it, you continue to allow people from your past to hurt you today and that’s dumb.

colossians 3.13 (nlt), you must make allowance for each other’s faults and forgive the person who offends you. remember, the LORD forgave you, so you must forgive others.

the bible says, love keeps no record of wrongs. do you keep a record of wrongs. do you keep a little register in your mind of all the things they’ve done to hurt you so when you do something wrong you use their wrongs to justify yours. do you keep a record of wrongs so you can bring them out as ammunition later on? anytime you or i do that we’re being unloving. and we’re causing a greater disconnect rather than a reconnect.

just a thought from the front porch…

the #1 killer of relationships...

the first step to humility, which is one of the keys to rebuilding and reconnecting in a relationship, is admitting where you’re prideful. discovering, examining, evaluating your life and figuring out what kind of situations does pride tend to rear its head in my personality, in my life. you identify how you tend to be prideful. you identify where, in what situations you tend to be prideful. and you face it.

a good verse for evaluation is psalm 139.23-24 (niv), search me o GOD and know my heart. try me and know my thoughts. and see if there be offensive way (way that is unpleasing to YOU, way that makes YOU sad) in me and lead me in the way everlasting.

you do an honest evaluation and pray, “GOD, show me the areas that i tend to be prideful. because i know that whenever i’ve been prideful it disconnects me from the people i love most.

pride destroys relationships and fear; insecurity destroys relationships. both of these things, the moment they pop up are going to cause you to disconnect from those you love.

hurt also disconnects us from those we love. it causes us to disconnect.

proverbs 18.14 (ncv), the will to live can get you through sickness, but no one can live with a broken spirit. the emotional damage that takes place through words and attitudes and actions and impressions that we give to those around us.

remember when you were a child you heard the little rhyme, “sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me.” lie! names hurt more than sticks and stones. a broken bone can heal in a matter of weeks. but a broken spirit, damaged emotions, a scarred soul, you can carry that the rest of your life.

ridicule, embarrassment, hateful things that were said to you 10, 20, maybe 30 or more years ago and you still remember them today and they still hurt. it’s like an open sore that’s never been healed. you try to put band-aids on it, you try to ignore it, but it still hurts. words hurt far more and we remember them and emotional scars take far longer to heal.

the problem with hurt is that unexpressed hurt turns into resentment. and resentment is the number one killer of relationships. hurt will not destroy a relationship but resentment will.

just a thought from the front porch…

there are feelings that we fear...

there are some feelings that really frighten us. one of the feelings we don’t like to admit is hurt. so we play this game called “is something wrong?” have you ever played this game at your house? somebody will say, “is something wrong?” no, no, everything’s just fine. “i can tell something’s wrong.” no. “did i hurt your feelings?” no, you didn’t hurt my feelings!

we don’t want to admit when we have hurt feelings. we don’t like to admit it.

another kind of feeling we don’t like to admit is anger. “i can tell you’re angry.” i am not angry. “yes you are!” i am not angry!

a lot of spouses just stuff their anger down. they don’t want to rock the boat. they don't want to upset the apple cart. so they swallow their anger and of course their stomach keeps score.

studies have shown that the healthiest families are not those that argue all the time. but they’re also not those who never argue. if you never have any conflict in your family you’re stuffing it. because there’s no way imperfect people can live together without having some conflict. no way. so it means you’re stuffing it, you’re putting it under the carpet if you never have any conflict.

you are imperfect and your spouse is imperfect. you married a sinner and she married a bigger one. there’s no way that two imperfect people can create a perfect relationship. forget it. don’t expect it. nobody has a perfect relationship because there are no perfect people. you’re going to have conflict.

the healthiest families are not those who have no conflict or who have it all the time. but those who have occasional conflict but they know how to resolve it, they know how to fight fair, they know how to resolve it without destroying each other, they know how to make up and they know how to grow from conflict. conflict can be good. it’s the only way you can grow to deeper intimacy. if you don’t ever face issues truthfully and honestly you’re at a pseudo intimacy level.

there’s another feeling that we fear. sexual feelings. most couples just don’t know how to talk about this. studies have shown that sixty percent of all married couples are dissatisfied with their physical relationship but they don’t even know how to bring up the subject. they don’t know how to talk about what they need, how to deal with it without hurting each other. if you don’t talk about it how do you expect any change? you’re mate is not a mind reader. there is no intimacy without honesty. so you have to deal with your feelings.

just a thought from the front porch…