what our loneliness usually is…

how do you deal with loneliness?  these are the things that you do.  normally we do the wrong things.  people will try all kinds of things to overcome their loneliness.  some people will try being a workaholic.  they think if they stay busy they’ll overcome their loneliness.  they’ll work and then fall in bed late at night totally fatigued.  they get up in the morning and they’re still lonely.  some people think they’ll cure their loneliness through things, materialism.  they surround their life with beautiful objects – nice clothes, nice cars, nice art objects, a beautiful home,  but you cannot purchase happiness. it doesn’t last.

i could put you on a desert island and tell you that you could have every single thing that you want – anything.  except people.  how long would you be happy?  not very long.  why do you think solitary confinement is the most devastating form of punishment.  we were made for each other.  some people will try to overcome their loneliness by having an affair.  some people get drunk, take drugs, go to bars.  some people do nothing.  they just sit around and have a pity party and say, “poor me!”  loneliness will paralyze you if you let it.

what is it that’s causing loneliness in your life?  maybe it’s a transition.  you’ve been going through so much change in the last few weeks or months or years – a new job, a new location, a new family, something causing the loneliness.  maybe it’s a separation.  JESUS said, I will never leave you nor forsake you.  maybe it’s opposition.  you say, “everybody’s against me. at work they’re stabbing me in the back.  everybody’s conspiring against me.”  maybe it’s rejection.  JESUS said, whoever comes to me, I will never cast out.

a lot of our loneliness is really a spiritual vacuum.  we have a GOD shaped vacuum in our lives and when we try to fill it with anything else besides GOD it’s like filling a round hole with a square peg.  it doesn’t fit!  but when you invite CHRIST into your life and ask HIS SPIRIT to fill you, HE puts HIS presence in you, a presence that will never, never leave you.  some of you may be thinking, “nobody loves me.  nobody cares for me.  nobody even knows i exist.”  i know somebody who does.  HIS name is JESUS CHRIST.

just a thought from the front porch…

HE understands exactly how you feel…

maybe you're feeling lonely on this july 4th.  holidays can be very lonely days.  maybe you’re not.  if you’re not, praise GOD!  i hope you’ve read through the last few posts here on the front porch because you will need this some day.  i guarantee you.  everybody eventually experiences periods of loneliness.  you will need it some day.

but if you’re lonely right now, what does GOD have to say to you?  HE wants to say first, “I understand exactly how you feel.”  JESUS, the bible says, was tempted in all points as we yet HE sinned not.  HE understood every human emotion.  there were times when JESUS was lonely.  even in the closing moments of HIS life when HE went to the garden of gethsemane to pray, knowing that the next day HE would be crucified on the cross, HE takes HIS three best friends.  even JESUS had a need for human companionship.  HE takes HIS three best friends – peter, james, john – and says, “tarry with me a while, while I sweat this thing out!”  and they fell asleep on HIM.  JESUS comes back and says, “can't even you wait with ME an hour?”  and HE felt all alone.

the next day they took HIM to the cross and nailed HIS hands to the cross.  HE cried out, “MY GOD! MY GOD!  why have YOU forsaken ME?”  because HE was carrying the sins of the world and GOD couldn’t look at sin.  HE was alone.  you think JESUS doesn’t understand loneliness?  HE does.  HE says, “I care about you.  I want to relieve that loneliness.  I want to help you out.”

just a thought from the front porch…

the fourth antidote to loneliness…

you minimize, you utilize, you recognize and then you emphasize, you emphasize others’ needs.  that’s the fourth antidote to loneliness.  focus outward, on other people.  get your eyes off yourself.  quit having a pity party.  look at other people.

first paul in 2 timothy 4.17 said, the LORD stood at my side and gave me strength so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the gentiles might hear it.  that was paul’s life goal to the end,  even when he was dying in loneliness, he wanted other people to know about JESUS.  he focused on others.  he wanted everybody to know about GOD’s love.  he wanted all to know the good news.  he stopped looking at himself and he looked at what he could do to help other people.

in other words, stop building walls and start building bridges.  when you’re lonely....  stop building walls – “i’m so lonely.  everybody hates me.  nobody loves me.  i’m going to go eat worms!”  start building bridges.

instead of complaining, instead of paul saying, “i’m so lonely. is this the way i end my thirty years of ministry?”,  paul says, “let me help others.”

so instead of saying, “i’m so lonely” you ought to say, “FATHER, help me to be a friend to people who need a friend.  help me to help lonely people.”  giving love is the antidote to loneliness. love is the antidote to loneliness.

many years ago corrie tenn boom, who wrote the book the hiding place, went through a difficult time in her life.  she was engaged to be married to a man.  the man broke off the engagement and married her best friend.  corrie was devastated.  it broke her heart!  she was lonely.  her dad said something very profound, “you’ve had a love that’s been blocked.  there are two things that you can do with a blocked love.  number one, you can dam it up inside of you and hold on to it and be miserable the rest of your life.  you can dam it up inside or you can rechannel that blocked love.  refocus it on someone else.  give it away.  help others.  give your love to those who need it.”

i think about couples who are dying to have a child and can’t for physical or other reasons.  they’d give anything to have children.  i think GOD wants to say, “rechannel that love. refocus it.  there are kids all over the world who need love, that are already here.”  rechannel a blocked love.

just a thought from the front porch…

minimize and then recognize…

we are dealing here on the front porch with loneliness and how you deal with it.  first of all you utilize your time.  make the best of a bad situation.

and then you minimize the hurt.  you play it down.  you don’t rehearse it.  you don’t go over and over it.  that just makes it bigger and more painful.  you refuse to become resentful.

paul who was in prison writes in 2 timothy 4.16 (niv), at my first defense no one came to my support but everyone deserted me.  his response: may it not be held against them.  he is not going to be bitter.  resentment only makes you lonelier.  it builds walls around your life.  nobody likes to be around a cynic or critic or resentful person.  it just makes you more lonely.  it drives people away.  minimize your hurt.  play it down.  you don’t make a big deal about it.

after that you recognize GOD’s presence.

where is GOD when you’re lonely?  HE’s right there with you. there is no place that you are that GOD is not.  GOD is everywhere.  you just need to open your eyes and see, “he is here with me.”  verse 17 (niv), but the LORD stood at my side and gave me strength.  JESUS said, i will never leave you.  no matter where you go, GOD’s presence is with you.  open your eyes!

there is no place that you are that GOD isn’t.  when you’re lonely, you utilize the time.  make the best of a bad situation. you make the most of it.  utilize your time and minimize the hurt.  don’t make a big deal about it.  play it down and pray it up as schuller says.  minimize the hurt.

then recognize GOD’s presence.  paul says, “i’m here all alone.  i’m in a roman prison, dark, dank roman prison.  at the end of my life, i’m going to die, and all of my friends have left me.”  but the LORD stood at my side and gave me strength.

prayer is a powerful antidote to loneliness.  david got very lonely.  read the psalms.  david would say, “GOD, i’m lonely!  i don't like it!”  and he poured out his hurt to GOD.  some of the most beautiful psalms were written in times of loneliness.  david said, where can i go from YOUr presence?  if i go up to heaven, YOU’re there.  if i go to sheol, YOU’re there.  if i take the wings of a dove, where would i fly?  YOU’re there!  you can’t get away from GOD’s presence, so open your eyes and recognize.

amy grant wrote a song, “i love a lonely day, because it forces me to focus on GOD.”

you minimize, you utilize, you recognize.

just a thought from the front porch…

how to deal with being lonely…

what do you do when you are lonely?  the first step is to utilize your time.

make the best of a bad situation.  resist the temptation to do nothing.  if life gives you a lemon, make lemonade.  make the most of what you’ve got.  loneliness tends to paralyze.  think of a creative way to take advantage of the situation.

paul who is in prison says in 2 timothy 4.13 (niv), when you come bring the cloak that i left with carpus at troas and bring my scrolls, especially the parchments.  paul says, “if i’m going to be alone, i might as well be comfortable.  bring my coat.”

now lonely people have a tendency to not take care of themselves. they don’t eat right.  they don’t exercise.  they don’t tend to take care of themselves.  he says, “bring my coat and bring my books.”  at least he will have no interruptions.  it will be study time.  he’ll make the best of a bad situation.

paul was not a scholar but an activist.  he was a people person. he would much rather be in the colosseum preaching.  he would much rather be traveling all over the mediterranean starting churches but he’s stuck in a prison, so he makes the best of the situation – he’ll study.  so as a result, we’ve got the new testament.  probably the only way GOD could get paul to sit still long enough to write the new testament was put him in jail.

step one is utilize your time.  you say, “what could i do now that would be difficult if other people are around?  what could i do in this time of loneliness that i could not do if there were other people here to bother me, to interrupt me?”  utilize your time.

just a thought from the front porch…

rejection…

the apostle paul is in prison and he is lonely and he is writing his 2nd letter to timothy.  and in chapter 4 he give us some thoughts on how to deal with loneliness.  a lot of times we bring loneliness upon ourselves.  but it’s the uncontrollable kind that we’re looking at here on the front porch.

first of all paul shows us 4 causes of loneliness.  you can go back and look at transitions, separation and opposition.  and then there is rejection.  when you feel you’ve been betrayed, forsaken, abandoned.

paul felt deserted.  when things got tough everybody deserted him.  he went for his defense before nero and he said in verse 16 (niv), at my first defense no one came to my support.  here’s one of the greatest CHRISTians in history, no one came to his support.  but everyone deserted me.  paul goes on trial; no one is going to speak up in his defense.  everybody copped out.  you don't see any pity party.  paul doesn’t say, “i’ve spent thirty years in the ministry and this is what i get?”

rejection is the most devastating form of hurt.  the bible teaches that we have emotional needs.  one of our greatest emotional needs is the need to be accepted.  when that need is not fulfilled, when that need is violated, the bible calls that sin.  rejection, when you feel like everybody is going against you.  i think that’s why divorce is so painful.  i think that’s why GOD hates adultery.  It’s a rejection.

loneliness is so painful that people will try anything to relieve it.  they take drugs, they get drunk.  they go to a computerized dating service.  you name it!  i heard about one guy who went to a psychiatrist and asked for a split personality so he would have somebody to live with.

just a thought from the front porch…

separation and opposition…

transitions cause us to be lonely when we go through changes and separation causes loneliness.   

we are looking at paul and his story in 2 timothy 4.  he is in prison so he is isolated from those he loves.  and he asks timothy to come see him.  he says (ms), get here as fast as you can.  in verses 9 and 21 he mentions seven of his different friends.  they are his closest friends that he missed.  he says, demas… left me here, crescens is in galatia…, titus in dalmatia, luke is the only one with me ... erastus stayed behind in corinth, i had to leave trophimus sick in miletus. 

paul was a people person.  he never went anywhere by himself.  he always had a traveling companion, yet here at the end of his life he’s in prison in a foreign country and he can’t just pick up the phone and reach out and touch somebody.  he’s lonely because he’s separated.

twenty-five percent of all americans move every year.  as a result we have no roots.  that can cause loneliness.  separation by the army, by the career, by an illness.  that’s a separation and that’s a cause of loneliness.

maybe that is true of you.

opposition causes loneliness.  when you’re attacked.  when you’re ridiculed, when you’re criticized.  verse 14 (niv), alexander the metalworker did me a great deal of harm.  it doesn’t say what, but the word “harm” literally means “opposed” or “resisted”.  it says, he strongly opposed our message.

                           

now little kids are ruthless on the playground.  one minute the fickle finger of popularity changes.  one minute you’re the hero, the next minute you’re the zero.  that can be lonely.  lonely when you’re going through a painful experience and nobody understands.  lonely when you’re suffering a grief while everybody else is having fun.  lonely when you’re misunderstood and embarrassed and criticized.  the temptation is to withdraw into a shell.  paul didn’t do that.

just a thought from the front porch…  

a common cause of loneliness…

one of the most painful kind of emotion is loneliness.  it is an awful feeling.  and in 2 timothy 4 we have an example of paul and how he overcame loneliness.

now paul was at the end of his life.  2 timothy is the last book paul ever wrote.  so chapter 4 are the last words that paul ever wrote.  he was an old man, in prison in rome and he was waiting to be executed by nero.  all of his friends had left him and paul was a very lonely man. 

in this story, we see some common causes of loneliness.  a lot of times we bring loneliness upon ourselves.  but it's the uncontrollable kind that we’re going to look at here on the front porch.

now we find that transitions in life is a common cause of lonelines.  passages.  they are the changes in life that we go through.  the fact is, life is a series of transitions.  we’re born.  we grow up.  we go to school.  we graduate.  we get jobs.  we change jobs.  we retire.  we die. life is a series of changes.  every time you make a change in life there is a tendency to feel loneliness.  any major change can cause loneliness. 

now paul here is an old man.  he’s faced with the inevitable.  he’s about ready to die.  in chapter 4.6 (niv) he says, for i am already being poured out like a drink offering, and the time for my departure is near..  i’ve fought the good fight, i’ve finished the race, i’ve kept the faith.   he says, i know my time is short.  the end is near.  nero is going to execute me.  i’m going through a transition.

why is it we often leave people who are dying alone?  people who live in rest homes.  they’ve done studies that the loneliest people in the world are elderly men who are sick.  they’re alone. transitions in life can be a lonely time. 

transitions cause us to be lonely when we go through changes.

Just a thought from the front porch…

two words that will energize your marriage…

now GOD brought eve into adam’s life and some incredible things happen. genesis 2 verses 19 & 20 says, HE brought them [animals] to the man to see what he would name them… but for adam, no suitable helper was found.

by the way, do you think that GOD thought that an aardvark was going to meet the need of loneliness in adam’s life? GOD knew what HE was going to do. HE just brought all the animals by just to teach adam that HE had a need that could only be met in one way. GOD says, “go to sleep, adam.” and HE takes a rib out and creates a woman. just think: aardvarks and elephants have been parading in front of adam. when he wakes up he sees a woman. what does he say? verse 23 (niv), he says, bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh!

now this is not a good dating line, guys. but in the hebrew language it’s a phrase that’s filled with exclamation points. it’s a phrase that says, “wow! incredible! look what GOD has done!” for me it says, “margaret!”

there are two words i want to give to you that i believe can energize any marriage. they come from this first marriage, where GOD created man and woman. the two words that i need in my marriage or you need in your marriage or, if you’re not married yet, the two words you’re going to need in that relationship if GOD chooses to do that in your life – “wonder” and “oneness”.

“wonder”. bone of my bones, flesh of my flesh. never lose the wonder of the fact that GOD has brought a person into your life to complete you. if you’re like margaret and i sometimes that sense of completion becomes a sense of competition. we’re different. we don’t see things the same way but as long as the wonder stays there. and have you discovered that you have to work at the wonder sometimes? you have to work at the wow! as long as the wonder stays there, there’s an energizing power from GOD in our relationship.

the second word is “oneness”. GOD goes on to say to adam and eve – the first lesson in all of the bible – genesis 2.24-25 (niv), for this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife and they shall be one flesh. and the man and his wife were both naked and they felt no shame.

in our society, even when i read that verse, i feel a little bit of shame. but he’s just talking about the perfect oneness that only GOD can create. it’s not just physical, but SPIRItual, emotional. that’s what GOD’s able to do. if you’re married, even if you’re struggling in a marriage, you still feel the oneness. even in the midst of struggle there’s the oneness there. that’s why it hurts so much because the oneness is real.

when i hold on to the wonder and build on to the oneness in the relationship, that has the power to energize any marriage. i'm not just giving you two words as a simple answer. some of you need in your relationship some real in-depth help. i don’t want to minimize that. but i want to encourage you to go back to the beginning and build on the simple foundations GOD gave us. start there. what a great place to start, where GOD started things – wonder and oneness.

just a thought from the front porch…

not competition but completion…

GOD gave to adam a garden, a command, and HE gave to adam, eve.

the garden was an opportunity to express GOD given personality. the command was an opportunity to express GOD given morality. his relationship with the woman was the opportunity to express GOD given sexuality.

notice i didn’t just say “sex”. i said sexuality. the relationship between man and woman is a wonderful opportunity to express in a healthy way the way that GOD has made us, the differences that we have. not competition but completion. adam needs a helper, GOD says. the word for “helper” doesn’t means somebody that serves somebody else. it really means somebody that completes somebody else. it’s the idea of two things coming together that somehow and in some way that they never could by themselves, complete each other. that’s the idea behind this.

i'm not better because i'm a man. you’re not better because you’re a woman. we’re both better. we’re both created in GOD’s image. and because we’re different we need each other. adam certainly needed eve. he was lonely in the garden. GOD met his need for loneliness by bringing a healthy relationship with a woman into his life. i think one of the reasons that we’ve got an epidemic of loneliness in our society is we don’t understand our GOD-given sexuality, how GOD made us. we try to find fellowship and joy in all the wrong places. and still there’s this deep pit of loneliness in so many lives.

just a thought from the front porch…

do you want fewer conflicts?...

do realize that you’ll have fewer conflicts if you’re open to the correction of others? this is a tough one. proverbs 13.10 (ncv) says, pride only leads to arguments.

that is a great verse for married couples to memorize. pride only leads to arguments. anytime you get in an argument you can know that pride is rearing its ugly head.

i hope you’ll memorize that verse and put it in your mind. sometime this week you’ll get in an argument with somebody you love or somebody you don’t love, and GOD’s going to say, “remember that verse? pride only leads to arguments. you can calm it down if you will reduce the pride in your life and you’ll have a more humble attitude and you can see what’s causing the problem. it’s always, always behind any argument – pride is rearing its ugly head.

now every time you are criticized, GOD is testing you. anytime you are criticized, GOD is testing you to see if you are going to respond in a defensive way, an offensive way or a humble way.

here is something else. do you ever catch yourself relational skimming? it’s when your schedule gets so full and so busy and so overloaded you stop having time for the most important people in your life – your kids, your husband, your wife, your friends, relatives, people you care about. and you just don’t have time for them. if you’re married, sometimes it’s like two ships passing in the night – as you’re going out the door, they’re coming in the door. you have little snippets of time for each other, but you’re not getting real quality time. you’re skimming on your relationships.

i wonder how many lonely wives are reading this right now. or lonely husbands. or lonely children. or lonely grandparents. because in our prideful desire to do more and get more and be more or have more and do our plans and our agenda, people get skimmed who we should be caring about. who do you need to go to and ask the question this week, “what’s wrong in my life?”

do you have the guts to do that? humility is not for wimps. it’s not for pansies. it’s not for passive, low self-esteem people – insecure people. do you have the courage to go to the person who knows you best and ask, “what’s out of whack in my schedule? what’s out of whack in my values? in my life? what is out of priority? what’s wrong?” it takes enormous courage to be humble. who do you need to ask?

just a thought from the front porch

an attitdote for loneliness…

ephesians 3.17-18 (niv), i pray that you will grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of CHRIST.

GOD's love is wide enough to include everybody…GOD's love is long enough to last forever.

GOD's love is high enough to be everywhere

romans 8:39 (niv), neither height not depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of GOD that is in CHRIST JESUS our LORD.

there is no place that you can go where GOD's love isn't. you'll never be separated from GOD's love. nothing, no circumstance, no situation can separate you because GOD's love is everywhere.

if you want an antidote for loneliness, that's it. you will never be separated from GOD's love. the fact is we do lose loved ones. if you're married, one of you is going to die first. and you will grieve over that. but if you're a CHRISTian, you'll never be lonely, because you can tune into GOD's love. i'm not talking about religion, i'm talking about a relationship to JESUS CHRIST. HIS love lasts forever and HIS love is everywhere.

just a thought from the front porch…

do you want to feel better?...

in this matter of being lonely here is an awesome fact, john 15.15 (tev), JESUS said, i call you friends. HE's a friend that knows more about you than any other friend. HE knows more about you than you do. HE understands you.

so when i am lonely i need to remember that GOD is my companion because HE says “i'm always with you.” HE never asks you to do anything by yourself.

david got lonely sometimes. psalm 16.1 (tev), david said, your presence fills me with joy.

so that's a benefit of recognizing GOD's presence. HE says if you recognize it, GOD's presence cheers me up. it makes me feel better. when i'm lonely, GOD's presence cheers me up.

and then when i'm worried, GOD is my confidence.

isaiah 42.2-3 (nlt), when you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. when you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown! when you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up.

reminds me of the three hebrew children, shadrach, meshach and abed-nego who walked through the fire. GOD walked through it with them. when they came out the ropes were burned off. they were protected.

you're going through a fire – some of you are going to go through difficulty this week. none of us can predict the problems we're going to face. none of us saw what was going to happen when we woke up on that tuesday, september 11 but in each day one thing we can be certain of: GOD's going through it with you. GOD is with you! when i'm worried, GOD is my confidence.

GOD told moses one day, you're going to lead the children of israel out of egypt into the promised land. moses started making excuses, “GOD, i can't do that! i'm insecure! i'm nothing! i can't speak!” GOD gave one answer to his excuses, “i will be with you. i will be your confidence.”

just a thought from the front porch…

where is GOD today?...

if i asked you, “where is GOD?” how would you answer that? some would say “heaven” or “in my heart”. some people believe that GOD dwells in church buildings. we would have real problems if that were true. we as a church meet in a college theater.

possibly many of you in the past few weeks have had the occasion to ask that question, where is GOD, i need HIM, where is HE?

well life has a lot of uncertainties. and in those times when it seems that it has given you one of those “no way can this be happening to me” situations, the natural question is where is GOD when you need HIM?

the bible says that GOD is everywhere. jeremiah 23.23 (tev), I am a GOD who is everywhere and not in one place. do you not know that I am everywhere in heaven and on earth? the new international version says, I fill heaven and earth. there is no place in the universe where GOD is not.

theologians call this fact GOD's omnipresence. which simply means that GOD is everywhere. HE's here, HE's there, HE's everywhere. you cannot move apart from GOD. you wouldn't be alive. you wouldn't exist without GOD. it doesn't matter whether you're a CHRISTian or an atheist or whatever – GOD is what holds you together. HE is the cohesive force in all of the universe. HE holds everything together.

so if GOD is everywhere then what difference does that make in my life today? well for one when i'm lonely, the bible says, GOD is my companion.

are you lonely today? if you are you need to remind yourself that GOD is your companion. psalm 25.16 (tev), turn to me, LORD, and be merciful, because i am lonely. some of you needed to hear that.

there are many different kinds of loneliness. there's the loneliness of death of a spouse or friend. there's the loneliness of the business trip. there's the loneliness of a new school, of growing old, of the husband who won't listen to you or the wife who ignores you, the loneliness of the feeling that you're not understood. there's the loneliness of success – life at the top is lonely. there's the loneliness of being single. there are many different kinds of loneliness

the bible says that GOD said the first thing HE didn't like about the world when HE created it, GOD looked and said, it's not good for man to be alone. GOD doesn't want you to be alone. but it's something everybody faces at some time. so what do you do when you have those moments of uncontrollable loneliness and you can't do anything about it?

well, you recognize GOD's presence. HE is your companion. hebrews 13.5 (niv), GOD has said, “never will I leave you, never will I forsake you!” HE is your constant companion.