i want to feel good…

james 4.1 states that arguments and fights come from selfish desires.  one of those found in verse 2 of james 4 is the desire to have or possessions and then verse 3b gives another one which is the desire to feel or pleasure.  (tlb), you want only what will give you pleasure.

i want to feel good. i want to have fun. i want to enjoy my life.  and there is nothing wrong with that.  1 timothy 6.17 (gnt) says, GOD, who generously gives us everything for our enjoyment. GOD wants us to enjoy our life. but the problem is when pleasure becomes the number one goal in your life – if it feels good, do it – you’re asking for conflict.  pleasure out of control can cause problems in your relationships. 

when it takes the place of my responsibilities, of things that are necessary, then i’m in trouble.  the truth is, if i’m more interested in my comfort than i am in yours and all i think about is what makes me feel good then there is going to be conflict with you.  that is an fight in the making.  the desire to feel good creates conflict.

the desire to have and the desire to feel good are two of the desires that when they are thwarted cause conflict.  why do you think people argue about sex in marriage?  the desire for pleasure is strong.  when it’s thwarted, resentment builds up.

just a thought from the front porch…

three ways indecision makes you unstable…

james 1.8 (tniv), they are double-minded and unstable in all they do. 

sometimes you’ve got to make a decision.  being double-minded is devastating, debilitating.  it makes you unstable.  the word is translated, “confused” in many parts of the bible.  it’s used to describe a drunk who’s staggering, reeling, unstable in all his ways.  he’s saying, “if you can’t make up your mind it produces an unstable lifestyle.  all you ways will be unstable, in constant turmoil.

three ways indecision makes you unstable:

1.  unstable emotions.  unstable emotions.  it is a strain when you can’t decide.  you worry and strain, you’re confused.  you can’t sleep and can’t eat.  you wonder, “did i do the right thing?”  it creates emotional instability in your life when you can’t make up your mind.

this guy goes to a psychiatrist.  the psychiatrist says, “are you indecisive?”  guy says, “yes and no.”  “what do you mean by that?”  “well, i used to be but now i’m not sure.”

williams james said, “the most miserable person in the world is the person who is habitually indecisive.”  it causes emotions.

2.  unstable relationships.  lack of commitment destroys marriages.  when you can’t decide, do i want in or do i want out?  i can’t get on with it, i can’t get out of it, i can’t get with it.  what am i going to do?  instability in relationships.  when you’re a parent and say one thing then you say another thing.  we give double messages to our kids.  it causes instability. 

listen, many times it takes more energy deciding than it does to do it.  once you do it, it’s a snap, but the key is deciding.

3.  unstable spiritual life.  verse 7 (tniv), those who doubt should not think they will receive anything from the LORD.

it blocks your prayers.  indecision keeps GOD from giving you and keeps you from receiving what GOD has to offer. 

some of you say, “why doesn’t GOD answer my prayers?”  maybe you’re not specific enough.  maybe you’ve never decided what it is you want and you don’t have a clear-cut goal.

being double-minded can lead to a double life.  a spiritual schizophrenia, dr jekyll/mr. hyde.  in the book pilgrim’s progress it talks about a man named mr. face-both-ways.  that’s when you want to do your will and GOD’s will at the same time.  when you know what’s right but you go the wrong way.  when you’re trying to live for two people.  on sunday you sing onward CHRISTian soldiers and the next day you-re awol.  being double-minded produces instability in all of your ways.  it produces an unstable lifestyle.

just a thought from the front porch…

alone or with others…

if you are a true follower of CHRIST you cannot be on the sidelines or in the stands. you have to be in the game.  that is what JESUS was saying over in john 13.35 (msg),  this is how everyone will recognize that you are MY disciples—when they see the love you have for each other.

now in having better relationships there are some crossroads that each of us come to.  one crossroad is when i choose to walk alone or i choose to be with others. 

i’m just going to sit over here in church and not get involved.  i really don’t want to get close to anybody.  the last time i did that i got hurt, or i don’t really want anybody to know anything about me.  i can handle life all on my own.  that is exactly where our enemy wants us.

look at what the bible has to say about this.  ecclesiastes 4.12 (msg), by yourself you’re unprotected. with a friend you can face the worst. can you round up a third?
a three-stranded rope isn’t easily snapped.

you know the early church understood the importance of standing together.  it was awesome.  to them church wasn’t a building but it was a group of people who came together to support each other, to pray for each other, to care for each other, to learn, to study, to survive, to thrive. 

acts 2.44 (niv) says, they were all together and they shared everything.  they were together. 

i hear a lot of people criticizing the people in the game who get paid so much but that’s the way it is with people who risk, they are rewarded.  and you will be rewarded if you reach out and get in touch with other people.

the first crossroad that we all face is am i going to get in touch with other people?  or am i going to keep being more and more isolated? 

just a thought from the front porch…

perfectionism and relationships...

perfectionism damages relationships.

how many of you like to be around somebody that's correcting you all time? every time you finish something, they have to go back and redo it.

somebody has said that the definition of a perfectionist is somebody that takes so many pains in his work that he gives you one, too. we all have this to a varying degree in our lives. it's frustrating, irritating, upsetting to everybody.

in the bible, there were a group of perfectionists – pharisees. they maintained a standard and taught a level of commitment that even they themselves could not reach. that's called being a hypocrite.

when we don't feel accepted, then we don't accept others. when we don't feel forgiven, we don't forgive others. when we don't feel GOD's grace, we're not gracious to others. it ruins relationships. because we're tough on ourselves, we're tough on everybody else at the same time. perfectionism damages relationships.

when you look at somebody who's a perfectionist, it looks like a pride problem. “that guy's a snob. he's got to have everything perfect.” but actually perfectionism is a sign of insecurity. in essence only insecure people demand perfectionism from themselves and everybody else. they're afraid that they might make a mistake.

it's not a sin to make a mistake. sometimes mistakes are ok. they're beneficial. columbus discovered america by mistake. goodyear discovered vulcanized rubber by mistake. alexander graham bell discovered the telephone by mistake. a lot of mistakes turn out for good. you don't always have to bat 1000. when you feel like you've got to do that, you put yourself under the burden.

JESUS said in matthew 11.28-30 (niv), come unto ME all you who are weary and are burdened [you're burdened down with life] and I will give you rest. take MY yoke upon you and learn from ME.  He said, MY yoke is easy.

why don't we do this? we put the burdens of perfectionism on ourselves. we try to gain GOD's approval by our actions.

just a thought from the front porch…

a long fuse rather than a short one…

let me ask you a personal question. here it is…how many times at least in the last month would you say, “i have become angry or had an argument?” how many times?

we are starting here on the porch a new focus in answering the question “what is love?.” our new focus is about how you and i can experience what it means for love to be patient. this isn’t just patient with circumstances. this is patience in our relationships, patience with people. it takes you a long time to boil over. you have a long fuse rather than a short fuse.

this is important in our society – learning to be patient. the truth is, anger in our relationships is not something that’s decreasing. it’s more and more increasing. we see each and every day and each and every year new evidences of the increase of violence and anger in our society.

i was reading some quotes this last week about this. this has been going on for a long time. two hundred years ago thomas jefferson wrote, “when angry, count to 10 before you speak. if very angry, a hundred.” a hundred or so years ago mark twain wrote, “when angry count to four. when very angry, swear.” a little change in a hundred years.

you watch most of our movies today, and it’s “when angry, blow them away, right away.”

things are changing, and we need to figure out that all of us struggle with this thing called anger in our relationships. so we’re going to talk some about this.

for those of you who are maybe just leaning back in your chair and thinking, “i got this one covered. other people get angry but not me,” let me take a moment to remind us: anger is expressed in our relationships in a lot of different ways. you don’t have to be a loud person to be struggling with anger. in fact, i was reading a study in american demographics that says in terms of arguments, 23% of people say they openly express their anger, 39% do something to hide or contain their anger (they bottle it up), 23% walk away from the situation. all of which are bad ways to deal with an angry situation.

in anger in relationships, usually we have one of two strategies. some of us are what i would call skunks; some of us are what i would call turtles. you know the difference. a skunk is the one who, when an argument occurs, you sort of spew. everybody in the room knows how you feel. you stink up the place, and you want everybody to know. then there are some of you who are turtles. when the bad times come, your head goes right back in the shell. neither of those ways work. GOD has a better way to deal with the anger we sometimes feel in our lives.

just a beginning thought from the front porch…

what destroys relationships fast?...

nothing destroys friendships faster than envy. it can destroy families by sibling rivalry. it can destroy businesses. it can destroy neighborhoods. it can even cause nations to go at war with each other. simply out of envy. this is one destructive sin.

so if it’s so destructive, then how do we rout it out of our lives?

sometimes you learn what to do by looking at what not to do. in the parable of the vineyard workers in matthew 20, JESUS tells us the story of some people who become very envious. a farmer goes out and he hires five different kinds of day workers.

he starts out with the workers at the start of the day, then he goes out four more times and hires four other guys. to the first guys, he says, “i’ll pay you a set wage.” they contract for a dollar a day, which was the going rate at that time. to the other guys he goes and picks up for day workers he says, “i’ll just pay you what’s fair” and they don’t even agree on an amount. so they’re just trusting in his generosity to be fair. so at the end of the day he decides to pay them in reverse. he decides, “i’m just going to pay everybody the same amount.” he didn’t pay the people who worked all day any less. they got exactly what that had contracted for – a dollar a day.

what made them upset was that other people were given what they felt they didn’t deserve. so they became very, very envious. now in this story one thing we learn is that if you want to get envy out of your life, you must first stop comparing yourself to others.

comparing is at the root of all envy. and comparing was the very first mistake made by these workers. matthew 29.10 (msg) says, those hired last came up and were each given a dollar. and when those who were hired first saw that, they assumed they would get far more. in other words, they started making comparisons: “look what they’re getting.”

the bible says over and over again, never compare yourself to anybody else. the bible says it’s dumb, unwise. you’re never to compare the way you look. you’re never to compare your income. you’re not to compare your intelligence. you’re not to compare your kids. you’re not to compare your husband or wife or your job or anything else. the bible says do not do that.

just a thought from the front porch…

relationships and accomplishments…

if i don't live a life of love, nothing i accomplish will matter. 1 corinthians 13.3b in the message paraphrase says, no matter what i say or what i believe or what i do, i'm bankrupt without love.

you can rack up an incredible list of personal achievements. you can have enormous accomplishments, be entrepreneur of the year, build a billion-dollar company, have incredibly great successes in your field of endeavor. but the bible says it isn’t worth squat if you don’t love. the bible says – GOD says – relationships are more important than accomplishments. life is about relationships not accomplishments.

so let me summarize it like this. GOD says i can have the eloquence of an orator, the knowledge of a genius, the faith of a miracle worker, the generosity of a philanthropist, the achievements of a superstar, but if i don’t have love in my heart, it is worth zero. it doesn’t count. the only thing that matters to GOD is do i love HIM and do i love other people?

the bible is very clear that love is the primary objective of life and love is the supreme value in life and love is the greatest power in life. so if love is that powerful, if it’s the primary objective of life, if it’s what matters most in life, what in the world is it? what is love?

if you would go to your 24-volume world book encyclopedia, and look up “love” you will discover it has no article on love. in fact, it had one line that said, “love: see sex and emotion.”

now if you look up the article on emotion. you already know about sex. if you look up the article on emotion and you read the entire article. it mentions the word “love” one time and never defines it.

so then if you look up this article on “sex” you will find three and a half pages – fascinating article. it mentions “love” four times and again never defines the term.

now isn’t that typical? we know far more about sex than we do about love. but almost nobody knows about real, mature, GODly, CHRIST-like love. we just haven’t the slightest idea. in fact, the world doesn’t know anything about love. almost all of the love songs that are “love” songs are really lust songs. they’re not about giving. they’re about getting. “give it to me! give it to me! give it to me! if you don't give it, i'm going to take it! and if i don’t get it, i’ll go somewhere else!” that's not love. that’s lust.

love can always wait to give. but lust can never wait to get. when a guy says to a woman, “if you love me, you’ll let me,” she ought to say, “if you love me, you’ll wait.” love can always wait to give. but lust can never wait to get.

just a thought from the front porch…

the #1 killer of relationships...

the first step to humility, which is one of the keys to rebuilding and reconnecting in a relationship, is admitting where you’re prideful. discovering, examining, evaluating your life and figuring out what kind of situations does pride tend to rear its head in my personality, in my life. you identify how you tend to be prideful. you identify where, in what situations you tend to be prideful. and you face it.

a good verse for evaluation is psalm 139.23-24 (niv), search me o GOD and know my heart. try me and know my thoughts. and see if there be offensive way (way that is unpleasing to YOU, way that makes YOU sad) in me and lead me in the way everlasting.

you do an honest evaluation and pray, “GOD, show me the areas that i tend to be prideful. because i know that whenever i’ve been prideful it disconnects me from the people i love most.

pride destroys relationships and fear; insecurity destroys relationships. both of these things, the moment they pop up are going to cause you to disconnect from those you love.

hurt also disconnects us from those we love. it causes us to disconnect.

proverbs 18.14 (ncv), the will to live can get you through sickness, but no one can live with a broken spirit. the emotional damage that takes place through words and attitudes and actions and impressions that we give to those around us.

remember when you were a child you heard the little rhyme, “sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me.” lie! names hurt more than sticks and stones. a broken bone can heal in a matter of weeks. but a broken spirit, damaged emotions, a scarred soul, you can carry that the rest of your life.

ridicule, embarrassment, hateful things that were said to you 10, 20, maybe 30 or more years ago and you still remember them today and they still hurt. it’s like an open sore that’s never been healed. you try to put band-aids on it, you try to ignore it, but it still hurts. words hurt far more and we remember them and emotional scars take far longer to heal.

the problem with hurt is that unexpressed hurt turns into resentment. and resentment is the number one killer of relationships. hurt will not destroy a relationship but resentment will.

just a thought from the front porch…

statements of fear and insecurity…

there’s another fear that we have that disconnects us and that is when we fear losing our freedom. when we fear losing our freedom that makes us demanding.

fear and insecurity demand that i must always be in control. the more insecure i am the more i have to be in control. the opposite is true also. the more secure i am as a person, the less i need to be in control. i don’t need it. but if i'm insecure and if i'm fearful i'm going to try to grab for control, i must always have my own way. i must always have the last word. we’ve got to do it my way. i demand my rights. all of those statements are symbols of insecurity.

sin destroyed the perfect relationship and thus began the battle of the sexes. in genesis 3.16 (ber), GOD tells eve, you will be drawn to your husband yet he will dominate you.

that wasn’t GOD’s plan or idea. but that’s what happened when fear entered the relationship.

sadly GOD’s ideal was destroyed. instead of complementing each other, husbands and wives started competing with each other. GOD made women and men totally different for a purpose. we’re different in every genetic component of our bodies. our dna is different. we’re just different. we were meant to complement each other not to compete with each other.

the root problem in a lot of marriages i’ve seen is the power struggle between two very insecure people. and the issue is who’s going to be in control. there’s a constant battle and it’s revealing insecurity.

now if these are the fears that disconnect us what causes us to reconnect to those we love? the answer is honesty. because fear makes us dishonest. we hide our feeling. we hide our faults. we hide our fears. dishonesty of course destroys relationships.

1 john 1.7 (niv), if we live in the light as GOD is in the light, we can share fellowship with each other.

fellowship means a close relationship, a connection which comes from living in the light, living out in the open, being honest, being authentic, being truthful. and GOD is in the light because GOD is always honest. GOD cannot lie. GOD always tells the truth.

great relationships are built on trust. and you don't trust people who lie to you. you don’t trust people who don’t tell you the truth. so if you don’t tell the truth in your relationship there’s not going to be any trust. and if there’s not any trust you don’t have a relationship. you’re disconnected. so it starts with being honest.

just a thought from the front porch…

successful relationships...

there are so many things that we give our life to building that will not last in our lifetime let alone for eternity.

we men are into building things, building our careers, building security and we say to the women why don’t you take care of the relationships.

now i understand that GOD has built something into us to be the provider, to be the protector but it is not just the women’s job, the wives’ job to build the relationships.

you see the relationships are what are going to last for all of eternity. relationships are what CHRIST came to earth to have with us. we all really need each other and that is why we need to spend time on relationships because CHRIST died for relationships. that is why HE came and that is why we are here. so men, we too need to work on this very important, if not the most important task that GOD has given us in our lives.

i’ll be honest, if i had to choose between being a success at work and a success at home, i would gladly choose the success at home. now i believe that i can do both and i have given my life to helping people do both so we are going to look for awhile here on the front porch at being a success at relationships.

1 thessalonians 5.11 (niv) says, encourage one another and build each other up…

so we are going to look at some principles on how to build each other up or how to bring out the best in other people.

first of all we need to accept each other’s uniqueness. you can’t bring out the best in other people until first you accept them.

listen, GOD made everybody different. none of us are alike. we’re all different. even twins are different.

brett my son has turned me on to something that is really great. i wish we would have had this back when brett and stef were kids. the newest book in the series is strengthfinders 2.0. the whole premise is that we need to be working in our strengths, not our weaknesses.

now each one in our family has taken this and it has brought so much understanding to us as we have evaluated each other’s strengths. GOD has made each one of us unique.

just a thought from the front porch…

our words are an overflow of our heart...

JESUS said if you want to have great communication you’ve got to guard your heart. it’s one of the keys. JESUS said that words are never a slip of the tongue, they’re always an overflow of the heart. that’s what he meant when HE said, the mouth speaks the things that are in the heart. matthew 12.34 (ncv),

i may not have wanted to say it, but i felt it or i wouldn’t have said it. communication starts with what i think and what i feel. if i guard that, i’ll talk in a better way.

do you ever let your thoughts leak out into your words? you didn’t mean to. you weren’t going to say it but you got angry or something happened and it just came out.

we’ve all done that. that’s what JESUS is talking about. in fact, JESUS said it’s inevitable. eventually it’s going to happen. part of great communication is guarding your heart. telling yourself, “if i think it, i’m eventually going to say it.”

the truth is, for many of us, we will never experience, in the way we communicate, a real change in our relationships until we’ve had a change in heart because that’s where it begins.

just a thought from the front porch…

broken trust takes time…

we are looking to JESUS to show us how to better our communication with each other so we will have better relationship. and to HIM building trust is an important step. the more you allow what you say to be something that can be trusted, the better communication inevitably you’re going to have.

we all struggle with this. there’s a lot of ways we erode trust in relationships. the top four:

1. lies. lies are always told in the absence of trust. i tell you a lie because i don’t trust you. i don’t trust that you’re going to accept me.
2. flattery. flattery is just a positive lie, a lie that’s designed to manipulate you to get you to do what i want you to do. psalms 12.3 (ncv), the LORD will stop those flattering lips. the bible’s an honest book!
3. broken promises. whenever you break a promise to someone you break a trust. have you noticed how easy it is sometimes to break a promise you’ve made to your kids? sometimes they don’t even complain. but anytime you do it, you’re breaking a trust.
4. silence.
   

i read of this one guy who said that when he first got married he tried to be a good communicator. he said, “i’d set down and try to listen, eye contact, really be a good communicator. but about a year into the marriage, my wife informed me that it might be good if i talked sometimes, too.”

that’s part of good communication. sharing yourself is part of letting someone learn to trust you, opening yourself up. if you’re silent all the time, people don’t know what’s going on. it’s hard to know whether you can trusted.

JESUS taught if you really want to have great communication, you have to build trust. you can’t have high quality communication without high level trust. it’s impossible.

some of you have the question, “how do we/i rebuild trust? i’ve already lied. it’s already been broken, destroyed. how do we rebuild this foundation of trust so we can start to talk again?”

as hard as it is to say, the only answer i have is, you rebuild trust one word at a time. one “yes” at a time and one “no” at a time. and one “you can believe me this time” at a time.

that means it’s going to take time. but it’s worth it.

just a thought from the front porch…

do you have religion or a relationship?...

there is nothing more vital in your life than that you hear from GOD. nothing. one reason why is because it assures me that i'm in GOD's family.

the proof that you really know JESUS CHRIST, that you have a relationship, is that you hear GOD speak to you. JESUS said in john 10.14 & 16 (ph), i know those who are mine...and they hear my voice...

if you've never heard GOD speak to you, if you've never sensed HIS speaking to you in your heart and in your mind, you have every reason to doubt that you're really a true believer, that you're in the family of GOD and that you're on your way to heaven. you have every reason to doubt it because JESUS said, those who are mine hear my voice.

some of you may be brand new believers and when you first get started sometimes its a little bit difficult to figure out, "is this GOD talking to me or not?" you're not used to HIS voice. but if you're really a child of GOD you're going to know your FATHER's voice.

when i call my kids, i don't have to say, "this is bill williams your father." i just start talking to them and they know my voice. when brett or stef call me, they don't have to say, "this is stef," or "this is brett." i know their voices. why? because i have a relationship with them.

if you don't have that, if you don't ever hear GOD speaking to you, you need to be saved because you're not going to heaven unless you have a relationship with CHRIST. it's really clear. it is available to anybody who says, "JESUS, i want a relationship with you. GOD, i want to know you. i want to communicate with you."

some of you know about GOD but your don't know HIM. some of you know about JESUS, but you really don't know HIM. you have a religion not a relationship. you may have gone to sunday school or catechism as a kid and you go to church every week but you don't have that relationship.

there is a man that comes by my house everyday. he's our mail carrier. i know who he is, i know what he looks like, i say hi to him but i don't really know him. i know about him but i don't really know him. that's the difference.

one of the proofs that you know you're a CHRISTian is that GOD talks to you on a regular basis and you listen and you hear and you talk back.

many people think that GOD only talks to super saints. no. those of you who are parents, do you only talk to your smartest kid? (i hope you are going to say no) GOD talks to all his true children – young believers, old believers, baby believers, grown up believers. it assures me i'm in GOD's family.

just a thought from the front porch…