forgiveness and conflicts…

now in dealing with this problem of conflicts with other people, james here in chapter 4 says to give in to GOD, get wise to satan, draw closer to GOD and then be willing to ask forgiveness.  this is very difficult for a prideful person.

if you want to stop conflicts in your life, if you want to get along with other people, learn to ask forgiveness from GOD and from those you’ve hurt.  james 4.8-9 (niv), wash your hands…and purify your hearts.

our hands represent our conduct and hearts represent attitudes.  he’s saying, clean up your act.  and then verse 9 (nlt), let there be tears for what you have done.

in other words, don’t minimize what’s happened.  take it seriously.  be sorry for your self-centeredness.  it’s a big deal when your wife’s feelings are hurt, or your husband’s, or kid’s.  take it seriously.  if someone says you’ve hurt them, you’ve hurt them.  it may not be a big deal to you, but it is to them.  be willing to ask forgiveness.

now is there someone who keeps coming to mind while we have been dealing with conflict?  would you like to begin to resolve the conflict with that person?  how do you do it?  are you willing to go and apologize for your part?  maybe they are 95% wrong and you are only 5% at fault, but you take care of your 5% and let GOD handle the other 95% in their life.  their response is their response.

“i know we’ve had our differences and i know i haven't always been thoughtful.  a lot of times i’ve thought more about myself than your needs.”  how humbling that would be.  right?  because GOD gives grace to the humble!

if you want to change, the only way you're going to change is to want to be humble and the only way to be humble is to go and ask forgiveness. 

it’s hard but do you want to change?  do you want to reduce the conflict?  maybe the way you do it is by cracking the door open by your taking the first step even if they are primarily at fault.  admit what you’ve brought into the relationship that was wrong.  it’s humbling, sure but GOD gives grace to the humble.

maybe this week you need to write a letter, make a call, make some restitution even to that person that irritates you – joyce landorff calls an irregular person – those heavenly sandpapers that irritate you.  take the first step.

just a thought from the front porch…

it makes your day more productive…

another thing that will help us with our conflicts is to grow closer to GOD.  james 4.8 (nlt), come close to GOD, and GOD will come close to you.

listen, the more time you spend alone with GOD, the better you will get along with other people.  count on it!  when the argument level rises in our marriage it means that someone is not spending time with the LORD.  it’s that simple.  grow closer to GOD.

isaiah 26.3 (nlt), YOU (GOD) will keep in perfect peace all who trust in YOU, all whose thoughts are fixed on YOU!

when you spend time with the LORD, your turn your thoughts to HIM, then you get along better with others because HE keeps perfect peace in your heart and you’re not as irritable. 

have you noticed some people only draw close to GOD when they’re in trouble?  they only pray when they have a need.  you need to spend time with HIM, bible study, sunday, daily quiet time – make times for these things. 

you say you’re too busy?  then maybe you’re too busy.  maybe you need to cut some things out of your schedule to make more time to spend time with the LORD.  the more you spend time with the LORD, the more you’re going to enjoy the rest of your time.  it will be more productive, more beneficial.  you’ll get along better with others, have fewer arguments because you’re spending time with GOD.

draw closer to GOD, HE’ll keep you in peace.  get up 15 minutes earlier each morning.  maybe start with the book of john, that’s what i am reading right now.  read and pray and notice the difference in your attitude and the relationships the rest of the day.  i challenge you to do that.

the conflict in your life is in direct proportion to the time you’re spending with GOD.

there is a great promise here too.  when you in genuineness draw close to GOD, HE will come close to you.  HE doesn’t back off, HE draws close to you.  when you move toward HIM, HE moves toward you.

you give in to GOD, get wise to satan, draw close to GOD.

just a thought from the front porch…

the first step in taking care of fighting…

in looking at starting the process of taking care of conflicts and arguments we see that you must take  of the inside first.  colossians 3.15 (niv) says, let the peace of CHRIST rule in your heart.

when we have the peace of CHRIST in our heart then we’ll be at peace with other people.  if we don’t have this in our life – GOD’s peace in our hearts – then we try to manipulate others, try to control them and try to move them around to get what we want out of life.

there was a time in our marriage that margaret and i had a major conflict.  it was horrible.  we have jokingly said, that we have never contemplated divorce in our life, murder yes.  we had three horrible years.  

listen, in every marriage there is some kind of power struggle but we finally got to the point that we said to GOD, we can’t do it, we have to have you.  i was in staff ministry at that time, in a large church in Indiana and i was working 90 plus hours a week.  i was going to make it no matter what it cost and it about cost my family but it showed me that i need to change that i was the cause of the conflict so i resigned my job and we moved to indianapolis and GOD started working on me and i started selling domino’s pizza and started falling in love with GOD and falling in love with my family.  GOD started working in me, changing me.

you see only GOD could change our marriage and it started in me, it started in margaret.  you work on you and watch what happens.  the starting point of getting along with others, to avoid arguments, is to get peace in your heart through the rule of CHRIST.

give in to GOD.  this means you learn to say “THY will be done” instead of saying “me first”.  That’s the difference.  when you say, “LORD, whatever you want that’s what i want” then the peace process starts.

just a thought from the front porch…

the real issue…

humility is a difficult action that goes against the way we have been programed in the society in which we live.  we see it as a weakness instead of a strength but it is the cure for pride which is the cause for conflicts and arguments.

now in the the 4^th chapter of james he gives several specific practical actions that need to be taken in order to stop the fighting.  here is how you diffuse a conflict, whether it is between you and your child, you and your wife, husband, you and someone at work. 

james 4.7 (msg) says, so let GOD work HIS will in you. that is a humbling thing to do isn’t it?

in other words, let GOD be GOD in your life.  give HIM control.  put HIM in charge.  yield yourself to this is the starting point.  quit trying to run your own life.

in verse 1 (ncv) it says, the selfish desires that war within you. james says that conflict that happens with other people happens because you have conflict on the inside.  you don’t get along with other people because you’ve got a civil war in your own life.  this is the real issue.

so the starting point is getting peace inside before you can have peace outside.  find peace of mind, find peace in your heart. 

you see, the real conflict is inside of you – who’s in charge of my life.  now if you’re in charge, then anytime somebody comes along that doesn’t go the way you want to go, then you get uptight.  you get irritable.  you get upset.  you want things just the way you want them to go and when they don’t go that way, it makes you mad.  but if GOD’s in control, in charge of your life, it doesn’t irritate you as much.

just a thought from the front porch…

but I can do it…

there is a third selfish desire that causes fighting and arguments.  proverbs 13.10 (lb), pride leads to arguments.  

now why is that true?  it is simply because if i’m too proud to compromise then there will be conflict.

have you ever seen someone in an argument where they were wrong but they wouldn’t admit it?  why would they do that?  it because of pride.  pride causes arguments. 

james also deals with pride  and that when we think we can do things on our own it causes problems.  james 4.2&3 (ncv), you do not get what you want, because you do not ask GOD. or when you ask, you do not receive because the reason you ask is wrong.

 

james gives two reasons why our desires aren’t fulfilled.  number one:  we don’t ask GOD, we don’t pray.  we look to the wrong source.  we look to people to fulfill our needs instead of looking to GOD.  he says the other reason is because if we do pray, the reason you ask is wrong.

the bible has said that everything i need GOD has promised to provide.  HE’ll meet all of these desires we have been talking about, the desire to have, to be, to feel – not just luxury but all my needs.

philippians 4.19 (msg) says, you can be sure that GOD will take care of everything you need. if you just ask, but we’d rather fight than pray.  we’d rather argue about something than go look to the LORD for the answer. 

when i’m upset with my wife, the last thing on my mind is prayer.  we’re not thinking about that but james says, that’s the problem.  we look to others instead of looking to GOD and that causes conflicts.  we’d rather try to work it out ourselves.

prayerlessness in itself is an evidence of pride.  james says we’d have a lot more peace if we’d just pray more.  we’d have a lot less to worry about, a lot less to argue about, a lot less to fight over if we just prayed more. 

the old song, “oh what peace we often forfeit, oh what needless pain we bear, all because we do not carry everything to GOD in prayer.”

just a thought from the front porch…

i want to feel good…

james 4.1 states that arguments and fights come from selfish desires.  one of those found in verse 2 of james 4 is the desire to have or possessions and then verse 3b gives another one which is the desire to feel or pleasure.  (tlb), you want only what will give you pleasure.

i want to feel good. i want to have fun. i want to enjoy my life.  and there is nothing wrong with that.  1 timothy 6.17 (gnt) says, GOD, who generously gives us everything for our enjoyment. GOD wants us to enjoy our life. but the problem is when pleasure becomes the number one goal in your life – if it feels good, do it – you’re asking for conflict.  pleasure out of control can cause problems in your relationships. 

when it takes the place of my responsibilities, of things that are necessary, then i’m in trouble.  the truth is, if i’m more interested in my comfort than i am in yours and all i think about is what makes me feel good then there is going to be conflict with you.  that is an fight in the making.  the desire to feel good creates conflict.

the desire to have and the desire to feel good are two of the desires that when they are thwarted cause conflict.  why do you think people argue about sex in marriage?  the desire for pleasure is strong.  when it’s thwarted, resentment builds up.

just a thought from the front porch…

a desire that causes conflict…

we are looking here in james 4 at one of the great problems in our relationships.  verse 1 (ncv),  do you know where your fights and arguments come from? they come from the selfish desires that war within you.  our conflicts, our arguments come from the fact that we have competing desires.   so what are these desires?

one of them is found in verse 2 (cev), you want something you don’t have. and you will do anything to get it.  you desire to have.  this is called materialism. 

now GOD created things for us to use and to enjoy.  HE made them for our good.  we are to use things and to love people.  but the problem comes when we start loving things and using people.  we get it backwards.  loving things and using people – manipulating them, controlling them, moving them around to get what we want because things become more important in our life.  that can cause conflict when it becomes number one in your life.

gallup has said that 56% of all marriages that end in divorce end because of money problems.  this desire to have becomes a battlefield.  “why are you working all the time?  we never have time together anymore.”  “but we have to have this big house, all this stuff, all these cars.  and i have to work long hours to get it so we can be happy.  why don’t you appreciate what i’m doing instead of nagging me all the time”

now the problem is, no matter how much we have, it isn’t enough.  someone asked howard hughes one time, “how much does it take to make a man happy?”  and he said, “just a little more.”  some of the saddest people are those who work so hard to get all this stuff, thinking it would make them happy but after they get it they find that it didn’t work and their relationships are in shambles.

the selfish desire to have causes arguments and it doesn’t satisfy.

just a thought from the front porch…

conflict or peace…

 a mature person is a peacemaker not a troublemaker.  are you a peacemaker or a troublemaker?

james 4.1 (niv), what causes fights and quarrels among you?  don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?

he’s talking about conflict.  he says there are inner fights and quarrels and they come from our own inner desires.  you want something and you don’t get it.  you covet but you cannot have what you want.  you quarrel and fight and you do not have because you do not ask GOD.

am i a peacemaker?  am i a troublemaker?  do i like to argue?  am i a contentious person?  do i get my feelings hurt?  do i get defensive easily?  do i hurt other people’s feelings?  am i a peacemaker or am i a troublemaker?

the mark of a mature person is the lack of conflict in his own life.  paul told the corinthian church, you guys are a bunch of babies.  they argued about everything.  they argued about the LORD’s supper, gifts, leadership, everything.  That’s a mark of immaturity.

why is there so much conflict in the world?  why is there conflict in my marriage?  why is there conflict where i work?  why is there conflict between me and a former friend?  why is there conflict between me and GOD?  why is there conflict?

one reason for conflict, james 4.3 (niv), when you ask you do not receive.  but you ask with the wrong motives that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.

one cause for conflict is selfishness.  when i want what i want then i’m going to have conflict with somebody.  the issue is pride. 

how do i know if a person is immature?  look at their prayers.  if their prayers are always self-centered – bless me, prosper me, protect me, use me, help me…if this is the only kind of prayer you pray, that’s immature.  do you pray for other people?  bless me – is all i see is me, an “i” problem.  selfishness.

just a thought from the front porch…

intimacy and conflict…

this is so important.  being candid and being connected go together.  somebody says, i feel disconnected from my husband…  i feel disconnected from my girlfriend…  i feel disconnected from my mom…  it’s because you’re not talking about something that’s a big thing in the way.  candid and connected go together. 

the road to intimacy is through the tunnel of conflict.  in fact, there is no such thing as real intimacy without conflict.  if you’ve never had any conflict in your relationship it means one thing.  you are living at a superficial level.  we’re all different and when you get to the basic differences you’re going to have conflict.  you married a sinner, men.  and she married a bigger one.  when you put two sinners together there’s going to be conflict.  so if you never have any conflict in your relationship you are living at a superficial level.  but conflict is the way to intimacy. 

if you’ll stay in that tunnel you will work it out.  it’s tough.  you may have to get some help.  you come out on the other side you’ll come out with a level of intimacy and soul satisfaction and knowing each other and partnership that the world knows nothing about. 

just a thought from the front porch…

stress at work…

anger is ok, its an appropriate response. in fact, if you love, you ought to get angry sometimes.

i get angry seeing people blowing their life on something that doesn't matter. i get angry when i see people walking right in the middle of something that they know is wrong and it is going to destroy them because i care.

but you deal with it quickly. you don't let it hang on. you see, if you swallow your anger, your stomach keeps score. have you found that to be true? all tied in a knot. ulcers. you have a pain in the back or a pain in the neck or other places.

you see, a lot of stress at work is conflict that has never been dealt with and you let it irritate you and irritate you and irritate you, day after day after day and you are under stress because you have never dealt with it right at the bat.

you say, ok, bill, what is the solution? how do i deal with conflict quickly. well, i'll tell you but you are not going to like it.

the solution to conflict resolution is one word, confrontation.

now most of you don’t like confrontation? the only people who like confrontation are troublemakers. they love confrontation. they love to go to people and say, you're blowin' it here and here and here. that is their thrill.

but normal people don't like confrontation. i don't like it and you don't like it. but it is the only way to resolve conflict.

but you say, it’s risky. it is risky. it might backfire in my face. it might. i might go and ask them and they might not totally understand. they might not but the bible says that as far as it depends on you.

now if you have done that, regardless of their response, that is their burden. that's their problem now. you went and said, here are some legitimate issues, their response is their response. it's their problem.

but then, the bible says you have done your best, as far as it depended on you, you lived at peace with everyone. you tried to deal with it.

just a thought from the front porch…

the wrong kind of anger…

if you want to deal with cranky co-workers, you resolve conflict quickly. don't let it go on and on.

if you have a conflict at your business, with people you work with, or in your home or at school, you deal with it quickly. you don't let it fester. that's a big mistake.

have you ever used this line? well, we'll just ignore it and hope it goes away.

let me ask you, from experience have you found that to work? no way. it does not work. ignoring conflict does not get rid of it.

ephesians 4.26-27 (tev), if you become angry, do not let your anger lead you into sin; and do not stay angry all day. don't give the devil a chance.

question, should a CHRISTian ever get angry? answer, yes. JESUS did. but did JESUS ever sin? no. so evidently there is a right way to get angry and there is a wrong way to get angry.

notice it says here, if you become angry, do not let your anger lead you into sin. that implies that there is an anger that leads you into sin and that there is an anger that doesn't lead you into sin. there is a right way to get angry and a wrong way to get angry.

you say, what's the wrong kind of anger?

well it says right here. the wrong kind of anger is when it is not resolved quickly. if you become angry, do not let you anger lead you into sin, and don't stay angry all day. that is giving the devil a chance. resolve it quickly. don't be angry all day.

the phillips translation says, never go to bed angry. now that would keep a few of us up sometimes. if you said in your marriage that you weren't going to be angry, you would probable resolve conflicts allot quicker.

don't let anger hang on. because anger that is not dealt with quickly turns into resentment. and turns into bitterness. and bitterness is always sin. resentment is always sin, it is always wrong.

just a thought from the front porch…

love sometimes takes courage…

JESUS always knew the right thing to do. if you studied HIS life, you’d find that sometimes JESUS avoided conflict, sometimes HE resolved conflict and sometimes JESUS actually created conflict. in your life, all three of those responses are sometimes going to be appropriate. sometimes you need to avoid conflict. sometimes you need to resolve conflict. but sometimes you need to create conflict.

most people have a misunderstanding that keeping the peace means avoiding confrontation at all costs. it means swallow my hurts, hide my feelings, repress the truth, ignore problems in my life, pretend that everything is ok. but the bible says that only causes more problems. the bible says that repressing the truth rather than dealing with the truth causes trouble.

proverbs 10.10 (tev) says, someone who holds back the truth will cause trouble. but the one who openly confronts works for peace. in theory, we all believe that honesty is the best policy. but in practicality, there are a lot of times in life when we don’t think honesty is such a good idea. speaking the truth is not such a positive thought.

for instance, “if i told my father the truth about him, he’d never speak to me again.” “if i told my husband how i really feel about our marriage, he’d blow up.” “if i told my boyfriend what i don’t like about him, he’d leave me.” “if i told my wife about my frustration with our love life, she’d accuse me of a one-track mind.” “if i told my boss that what we’re doing is unethical, i’d get fired.” “if i confronted my friend and told him he needed counseling, he’d never see me again.”

love is not always easy. love is not always fun. love sometimes takes courage. love sometimes is tough. and love sometimes includes a confrontation.

we’ve been looking at the question, “what is love?” we’ve talked about some of the lighter areas of love like love is kind, love is patient, love is respectful of others. but we’re now going to another level of love. we’re going to graduate-level loving. if you want to move out of grade-school loving and become a graduate-level lover, sometimes in life you’re going to have to do what we’re going to talk about now. it’s not an easy thing to talk about.

the bible says in 1 corinthians 13.6 (niv), love rejoices with the truth. ephesians 4.15 (tev) tells us, speak the truth in a spirit of love.

there is a skill that almost no one is good at. i’m certainly not good at it. and i doubt of any if you are really professional in doing this skill. because it’s a skill that we’re never taught. nobody sets us down and shows us the steps to doing it effectively.

it is how to confront someone you love in a loving attitude. how do you do that? if you want to have a better relationship, if you want to help other people, sometimes you have to say tough things that they don’t want to hear but they need to hear it.

just a thought from the front porch…