it is your business…

is there anybody you’ve given permission to get in your face and say, “this needs to be corrected.”  if not, i pity you.  you’re never going to grow very much if you don’t have anybody who loves you enough to tell you the truth. 

galatians 6.1-2 (ncv) says this, brothers and sisters, if somebody in your group [and this, by the way, is a great verse for small groups] does something wrong go to that person and gently help make him right again. 

notice in this verse it says, go to that person.  that means you take the initiative.  if you see something wrong in a friend, loved one, relative, fellow CHRISTian’s life you take the initiative and go to him. 

why don’t we do that?  because we believe a lie that’s out of the pit of hell.  it’s none of my business.  it is your business!  if you care, if you love, it is your business.  if you’re a CHRISTian and that person is a CHRISTian it just became your business.  because the bible says we’re all in the same family.  the bible says we’re connected.  the bible says we belong to each other.  the bible says we’re going to spend eternity together.  we’re brothers and sisters.  i have a right to get in your face and you have a right to get in my face for the good and love of the relationship.  it is your business!

when you say, “it’s none of my business,” there’s a word for that – apathy and a lack of love.  it is your business.  yet i have seen so many CHRISTians in families, churches and small groups.  they see somebody who’s heading down a wrong path, they’re getting involved in an affair, they’re getting involved in a stupid business decision, they’re ruining their life on drugs or some foolish choice and people stand by and watch them do it and let them do it and say, “it’s none of my business.”  that is unloving.  somebody’s got to care enough and love them enough to say, “don’t do this!  you’re making a major mistake with your life.” 

just a thought from the front porch…

no trust without truth…

i don’t know what it is in your relationship that you won’t talk about.  it may be sex.  but you can’t talk about it.  it may be money.  it may be a secret habit.  it may be in-laws.  it may be an ex spouse.  it may be deep dark fear.  but you can’t talk about it and you hold it in abeyance.  and you keep yourself from having intimacy.  healthy relationships are built on honesty.

the bible says in proverbs 24.26 (tev), an honest answer is a sign of a true friendship.  a true relationship.  a true marriage.  there is no trust without truth.  if you don’t have truth telling in your relationship you can’t have trust.  and if you don’t have trust i don’t care what you say.  it’s not much of relationship whether you’re married or it’s just your boyfriend or girlfriend.  it’s not a relationship without trust.  and trust is predetermined by truth.

in fact we’re commanded by GOD to speak the truth to each other in love.  ephesians 4.15 (tev) says, speak the truth in a spirit of love.  yet so many married couples are stuck in superficiality.  because nobody has the courage to speak up about something.  we all need each other because we’re all blind to our weaknesses.  you don’t know the weaknesses in your life that other people see.  i don’t know the weaknesses in my life that other people see.  we all have blind spots.  some of us have bald spots but all of us have blind spots.  you need other people.

just a thought from the front porch…

stay busy and tell it the truth…

find out how to resist temptation.  joseph gives us some lessons. 

1.  stay busy in the master’s business.  if you want to resist temptation, stay busy doing what GOD gave you to do.  for joseph that meant staying busy serving potiphar.  he didn’t have any time to sin with potiphar’s wife.  temptation becomes overwhelming when we stop doing GOD’s will.  as soon as you stop doing what GOD wants you to do, temptation just starts to overwhelm you.  stay busy doing what GOD’s given you to do. 

2.  tell the temptation the truth.  talk to your temptation!  tell it the truth.  look at the temptation joseph faced. 

genesis 39.6b-9 (niv), now joseph was well built and handsome and after a while his master’s wife took notice of joseph and said, “come to bed with me.”  [how old was joseph?  17, 18? 19? – a young man.] but he refused.  “with me in charge,” he told her, “my master does not concern himself with anything in the house.  everything he owns he has entrusted to my care.  no one is greater in this house than i am.  my master has withheld nothing from me except you because you are his wife.  [then he told the temptation the truth.]  how then could i do such a wicked thing and sin against GOD.”

he just looked it straight in the eye and said, “this is the truth.  this is a wicked thing.  this is a sin against GOD.”

temptation comes and says, “why don't you cheat on your wife?  it would be so exciting.  it would make you happy.  it’s what you really need.” 

tell it the truth.  look it right in the eye and tell it the truth and say, “are you kidding me?  that’s a wicked thing.  that’s going to tear me apart.  that’s going to tear my family apart.  that’s going to tear my faith apart.  how could i do that?”  tell it the truth. 

temptation comes to you and says, “you deserve it.  you’ve had a tough week.  go out and get drunk this friday.  you need it.  you need to relax.”  tell it the truth.  look it straight in the face and say, “that just makes my life empty.  that just makes me sick the next day.”  tell temptation the truth.

temptation comes to you and says, “you’re in a little trap here.  you’ve got a little problem.  the easiest way out of this is tell a lie.  that’ll get you right out of it.  you won’t have to deal with any hassles.  just lie.  that will work.”  tell the temptation the truth.  “every time i lie it puts a barrier between me and the people that i love the most and the LORD that i love.”  tell it the truth.

just a thought from the front porch…

arrogant or right…

here is another myth: CHRISTians are arrogant when they say that JESUS is the only way to heaven.

i’d agree that CHRISTians were being arrogant if the truth of the matter were there were many ways to get to heaven and they were just saying, “ours is the best.”  but that’s not what they’re saying.  they’re saying, the truth of the matter is someone has got to pay the penalty for the obvious wrongdoing we committed.  who’s it going to be?  is it going to be us paying in eternity?  or is it going to be JESUS CHRIST, paying as our substitute? 

HE’s the only one qualified by HIS sinlessness and HIS divinity to be our substitute.  that’s reality.  the reality is it’s not arrogant to act upon the evidence.  CHRISTians aren’t being narrow-minded when they say there is only one way to the FATHER. 

analogy:  there was a family who had their first child, a little girl.  shortly after birth the baby developed jaundice.  you may be familiar with jaundice.  it’s a liver disorder that caused the whites of her eyes and her skin to turn very yellow.  the doctor told them that this is a potentially devastating disorder.  but fortunately there is an easy cure for it.  all you have to do to cure a baby of jaundice is put the baby under a special light.  the skin absorbs this light and it stimulates the liver to function properly.  that’s what the doctor told them to do.

now they could have responded by saying, “wait a minute!  that’s sounds too easy!  put her under a light?  how about instead if we just scrubbed her with soap and dipped her in bleach?  i'm sure if we really scrubbed her hard enough we could get her skin coloring back to its normal self.”  the doctor would have said, “you don’t understand.  there is only one way to cure jaundice.”  the parents could have replied, “i don’t like this one way thing.  how about if we just ignore it and pretend that everything’s ok?  and if we sincerely believe that we don't have to do anything then in the end everything’s going to work out?”  the doctor would have said, “you’re going to jeopardize the life of your child if you do that.  there’s only one way to cure jaundice.  you’re hesitant because it sounds too easy.  but look at the credentials on my wall, look at my medical degree.  i studied in medical school.  i’ve cured countless babies of jaundice.  trust me based on my credentials.” 

would anybody accuse those parents of being narrow minded if they trusted that doctor – a doctor with credibility and credentials – when he said there’s only one way, one course of treatment that would cure their little girl?  would it be narrow-minded for them to pursue that course of treatment?  it’s not arrogant to act upon the evidence. 

just a thought from the front porch…

only JESUS backed up HIS claims...

another myth is that all religions have equal claims on the truth.

in other words, let’s say CHRISTianity is different than other religions. it’s still one philosophy among many. it’s only valid as any other religious systems. even if there are some differences they all have equal claims on the truth. you have your truth. i have my truth. they’re both equally true.

this has a certain amount of appeal in the united states because we live in a tolerant and pluralistic society and our constitution protects the right of any human being to believe whatever they want to believe. you can believe anything in this country.

but some people make the erroneous assumption that because the laws of our country protect every belief that therefore every belief must be equally true. that we could all believe whatever we want to believe, anybody is free to make the claim that they are the way and they are the truth and they are the life and that no one comes to the FATHER but through them. the interesting thing is that through the centuries people have made that claim. JESUS isn’t the only one to say HE was the only way to GOD. lots of folks have.

but how do we know that JESUS was telling the truth? anybody could say this. well the reality is only JESUS backed up HIS claims with unique credentials that gave HIM unique credibility. lots of credentials.

one example is JESUS validates HIS claim by being the only individual in the history of the world to fulfill dozens of ancient prophecies that were written hundreds of years before HE was even born on this earth in bethlehem. nobody has been able to do this except JESUS CHRIST.

f you look at these prophecies you’ll find there’s no way HE could have intentionally fulfilled many of these. HE couldn’t have arranged for HIS place of birth, HIS ancestry. one ancient prophecy predicted the exact moment in history when the MESSIAH would be born, which HE fulfilled. HE couldn’t have arranged for how HE was put to death. it was predicted hundreds of years before crucifixion was ever adopted as a method of execution by the romans. it describes crucifixion hundreds of years before it was even used. there’s no way HE could have done it on HIS own. and HE fulfilled these prophecies against every mathematical odd.

people have done computer studies and looked at the odds of any human being able to fulfill these prophecies and they show not just that it could be difficult, not just that it would be unlikely. but it would be mathematically impossible for any human being in history to fulfill them. JESUS CHRIST did. and that’s one way HIS claim to be the SON of GOD is validated.

just a thought from the front porch…

a real battle for what i believe...

we all intuitively know (and even those who are not CHRISTians, who are on the other side of the issue of creation, know) that we’re not just talking about science facts. we’re talking about our view of ourselves and our view of this world.

g. richard bozar said in american atheist magazine, “CHRISTianity has fought and still fights and will fight science to the desperate end over evolution because evolution destroys utterly and finally the very reason JESUS’ life was supposedly made necessary. destroy adam and eve and original sin and in the rubble you find the sorry remains of the SON of GOD. if JESUS was not the REDEEMER that died for our sins and this is what evolution means [this is not a CHRISTian talking but an atheistic scientist but he sees the truth.] then CHRISTianity is nothing.”

it’s more than just a discussion about what happened. there’s a real battle for what i believe. they are competing philosophies. if evolution and creation are not competing philosophies, why is it that when CHRISTians have a fish on their car there are people who decide to put a “darwin” on their car? it’s a little fish with amphibian legs that says “darwin”. it’s saying they’re two different philosophies of life.

JESUS is alive and darwin was a man who had a theory who is dead. it’s a theory that depersonalizes GOD.

now when we’re talking to unbelievers they might think, “when you talk about sin and stuff like that, you’ve got me. i know that’s true. but when you talk about genesis, i’ve got you! genesis doesn’t make sense.

we know that evolution is a scientific fact.” no, it’s not. it’s not provable and it has to be provable again and again to be a scientific fact. it’s a scientific theory.

a scientific theory can be influenced by fact but it can also be influenced by my philosophy. scientists are just people too. if i’ve got a philosophy that GOD’s not real, that says i don’t want to believe in a GOD, that philosophy is going to dramatically impact this theory. when you and i talk about this with our kids, when we see what’s happening in schools and share about this, we need to realize the difference between those things.

i encourage you to fight for this truth but not to make it a battleground with people. make it a battle for the truth. far too many times people turn this into a point of argument with an unbeliever or even an argument with a new believer rather than a point of truth. some of you love to argue but instead of arguing why not just tell the truth. we need to stand for this very important truth.

just a thought from the front porch…

pretend, judge or love?…

some of you have not felt loving toward a loved one for weeks or months or maybe even years. you have a parent, a husband or wife, a partner, a brother or sister or some relative, but you don’t love them and you don’t feel any love toward them. because you’re stuffing the truth. you’re pushing it down. you’re not dealing with it and you are killing the relationship.

margaret becker wrote a song called honesty. part of it goes like this, “tonight by the glow of the firelight you found the courage to speak your mind and tear down the walls you’ve been hiding behind. so many of us spend so much of our time smoothing things over and pretending they’re fine.”

who do you need to have an honest conversation with? who do you need to speak the truth in love to? somebody in your neighborhood? do you see a teen-ager heading down the wrong direction, getting involved in things they have no business getting involved in and you know that their parents aren’t going to do anything about it. will you? will you care enough to speak the truth in love? as a friend. what are you pretending isn’t a problem in your relationships? what are you pretending not to know? what is the pink elephant in the center of your living room?

let me ask this: what excuses have you been giving to procrastinate bringing up the issue that everybody needs to deal with? “i don’t want to make it worse!” being quiet will make it worse. “i don’t want to be judgmental.” we talked about this. it isn’t about being judgmental. it’s about being loving. “i don’t know what to say. i don’t know the answer.” you don’t have to know the answer. you only have to point out the problem. GOD will take care of step two. GOD has not called you to solve everybody’s problem in the whole world. you don’t have to solve everybody’s problem, but you do have to care enough when you see the problem of somebody you love to point it out. that’s called love. graduate-level loving. you care enough to not be quiet. you speak up.

you say, “it’s not my place. it’s none of my business. who am i to point that out?” the phrase “it’s none of my business” is one of the most selfish statements ever created. basically, the person who says, “it’s none of my business,” is saying, “the rest of the world can go to hell in a handbag. i don’t care.” it’s an incredibly selfish statement. love demands that sometimes you confront. love demands that sometimes you say, “this isn’t working out. stop this. let me help you.” will you care enough to confront?

i realize that what i’m talking about is for mature audiences only. you can’t handle this unless you’ve got a level of maturity. this is so counter culture. our culture basically says, “let everybody do what they want to do and don’t worry about it. it’s no skin off my nose. if they want to mess up their lives, if they want to destroy their marriage, their life, fine.” the real issue is, are you willing to be used by GOD?

just a thought from the front porch…

both realistic and optimistic…

2 corinthians 7.4 (Gw) says, i have great confidence in you, and i have a lot of reasons to be proud of you. paul says this right in the middle of some very tough truths, where he’s saying, “this is some stuff you need to work on.” he’s leveling with them. he’s not pulling any punches. but in the middle of it, he says in affirmation, i have great confidence in you, and i have a lot of reasons to be proud of you.

if you want to move from grade-school loving to graduate-level loving, if you want to be a master at the art of love, you have to learn in a relationship to be both realistic and optimistic at the same time. realistic and optimistic. point out what’s really good and what isn’t so good that needs to be better. you say, “i believe with GOD’s help you can change... i believe with GOD’s help we can have a stronger relationship... i believe with GOD’s help there can be a different closeness and level of intimacy together…”

this issue of speaking the truth in love is still something that you learn from practice. it’s a skill you learn from practice. you get better at it.

now whether it’s a big problem in the relationship or a little problem whether it’s a major issue or it’s a minor issue, you’re going to have to take this last step if you want to be a graduate-level lover. and this you must risk their rejection.

paul did this in 2 corinthians 7.8-11 (ms), i know i have distressed you greatly with my letter and although i felt awful at the time i don’t feel bad now that i see how it’s turned out. the letter upset you but only for a while and you were jarred into turning things around. you let the distress bring you to GOD. and that’s what i was hoping for in the first place when i wrote the letter.

the truth is, it’s scary to do a speaking-the-truth-in-love to somebody. we don’t know how they’re going to react. they may get mad. they may walk out. they may misjudge your motivation. they may attack you. you don’t know what’s going to happen. so it’s scary, and you’re taking a great risk.

and because we don’t want to take that risk, we settle for superficial, shallow relationships.

just a thought from the front porch…

affirmation – tough truth – affirmation…

proverbs 12.25 (lb) says, a word of encouragement does wonders. when you are having a speaking-the-truth-in-love session with somebody, you want to affirm three things:

1. you want to affirm that you deeply love and care for them.
2. you want to affirm that you will pray for them and help them.
3. you want to affirm that you believe they can change.

you affirm these things. you state your faith. a word of encouragement does wonders. you begin and you end the conversation on a positive note.

paul did this. i wish i had time to take you through both of these books, 1 and 2 corinthians. in both books, he begins with affirmation and he ends with affirmation. example: in 1 corinthians 1.4 (niv), paul begins his letter by saying, i always thank GOD for you. and at the end of the book, 1 corinthians 16.24 (niv) he says, my love to all of you in CHRIST JESUS. between that he’s dealing with some very tough truths. so you sandwich the difficult truth between affirmations. affirmation – tough truth – affirmation. paul does this in his books. he begins and ends on a positive note. exit notes are very important.

a tip: never use the word “but” in a confrontation. the moment you use the word “but,” whatever you say before or after will be totally ignored and invalidated. “i think you’re a great person, but…” “you’ve got a lot going for you, but…” “we’ve got a great marriage, but…” “we’ve been friends a long time, but…” you can say all kinds of compliments before that one word. when you use that word “but,” people tune out.

instead use the word “and.” “you’re a great person, and i believe you can be even better.” “we’ve got a great marriage/relationship, and i believe there’s some things we need to work on.” “GOD is using you in a great way, and there’s some areas you might want to think about.” not “but.” use the word “and.” and make affirmation.

just a thought from the front porch…

confronting and affirming…

we have been dealing here on the front porch about having loving relationships and that sometimes love speaks the truth. and when we do we must first check our motivation and then plan our presentation.

the next thing you do is you give them affirmation. that’s very important in speaking the truth in love. give them affirmation.

you need to understand that a healthy, strong relationship is always built on two legs. confronting in truth, affirming in love. if you only have one, you’ve got a one-legged relationship and it isn’t going to stand. it will fall over at anything. to have a strong marriage, you must be able to confront in truth and affirm in love.

the bible says that the truth will set you free. when you go through that tunnel of truth, it does free you to the deeper level relationship. the truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable. if i were to come to you today and say, “let’s go have some coffee. i want to point out the areas that need changing,” you would not be thanking me for it. you’d be going, “who do you think you are?” you’d be resentful, rebellious, resistant, determined, stubborn. you wouldn’t be going, “this is great! tell me the areas i need to work on! tell me the areas that are messed up in my life.” no. you would be miserable. because when you share the truth, it first hurts. sometimes a surgeon has to cut out a cancer, has to hurt, in order to heal.

because the truth often does hurt, we must speak it in love, and you couch it in affirmations. you put affirmations on either side of it. proverbs 12.25 (lb) says, a word of encouragement does wonders. when you are having a speaking-the-truth-in-love session with somebody, you want to affirm three things:

1. you want to affirm that you deeply love and care for them.
2. you want to affirm that you will pray for them and help them.
3. you want to affirm that you believe they can change.

and you believe that the relationship can be better. you believe that you can be even closer as a result of this confrontation.

just a thought from the front porch..

you don’t have to be perfect…

one of the biggest motivations that is very common in our lives and we don’t recognize it is we often criticize in other people the weakness we hate about ourselves. we do this all the time. if you know your weaknesses and you don’t like them in you, you really don’t like them in somebody else. so if you tend to be a gossip, you notice other people who gossip, and you really don’t like it when they do that. if you tend to be prideful, you can pick out ego in a second. if you tend to be lazy, you notice other lazy people. we tend to criticize in other people the very thing we don’t like in ourselves.

that’s why JESUS says this in matthew 7.3-5 (nlt), why worry about a speck in your friend’s eyes when you have a log in your own? first get rid of the log in your own eye and then perhaps you’ll see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye. pretty good advice. HE said make sure you’re not doing the same thing. before you confront anybody in the spirit of love, make sure you’re not doing it yourself.

one man said, “about 18 months ago, i had to confront my wife about her addiction to pain killers after years of chronic illness. the amazing thing is i was addicted to the exact same medication but refused to admit it. my wife started attending celebrate recovery, and although i didn’t think i personally needed it, i went along to support her. then one night a man named steve had the courage to point out my hypocrisy. he was right, and i thanked him for having the courage to be honest with me. now i’m growing and changing, too. without steve’s guts to tell me the truth, i’d still be wallowing in my own self-pity.”

make sure you’re not guilty of the same thing. you don’t have to be perfect to point out something that needs changing in somebody else’s life. if that were true, you’d never point anything out, because nobody’s perfect. you don’t have to be perfect to speak the truth in love. you just have to make sure that you’re not guilty of that exact same sin.

but doesn’t JESUS say in luke 6.37 (niv), do not judge, and you will not be judged. yes, he does. and that is probably the most misused verse in the bible and the most misunderstood verse in the bible.

when JESUS said do not judge, HE was not saying ignore problems in a friend’s life. HE was not saying tolerate sin. HE was not saying allow evil to exist. people want to say, do not judge, and you will not be judged means just let anybody do what they want to do. no, that’s not at all what HE was saying.

when JESUS said, do not judge, HE was saying don’t hypocritically condemn in other people the very thing that you yourself are doing at that moment. that’s what HE’s talking about. HE’s saying you don’t build yourself up by tearing other people down when you’re doing the exact same thing. HE’s not saying don’t be discerning and don’t point out something that’s wrong in a person’s life, a relationship or in our society.

just a thought from the front porch…

why do you need to do it?...

paul the writer of much of the nt in the bible is a particularly good example of confronting someone you love in a loving attitude. he wrote two books that modeled this for us. we’ve been studying 1 corinthians 13 for the past few weeks. and that chapter is right in the middle of two letters that paul wrote – 1 and 2 corinthians.

corinth is a city in greece. paul had started a church there, and he’d moved on, and he was writing back to friends who had major problems in their lives. these people had really messed up their lives. he wrote two very tough letters. he was brutally frank. almost every chapter of 1 and 2 corinthians is about a different problem. he says, you’re blowing it here, you need help here, you need to work on this… he had to deal with one issue after another in brutal honesty, speaking the truth in love.

one thing we learn from these two tough letters that paul wrote is before you ever confront anybody in love, you must first check your own motives.

check your motivation. you have to make sure you have pure motivation. why do i need to talk to this person about this issue? why do i want to confront this person with the truth?

honestly, there are a lot of bad motivations, bad reasons for confronting. you might want to confront somebody just because you’re jealous of them. you might want to confront them because you’re irritated by them, frustrated by them, annoyed by them, angry. you might want to confront somebody just to get even with them. you might want to point out something wrong in their life to make yourself feel spiritually superior. or out of envy or many, many other wrong motivations.

so you must check your motivation.

just a thought from the front porch…

love sometimes takes courage…

JESUS always knew the right thing to do. if you studied HIS life, you’d find that sometimes JESUS avoided conflict, sometimes HE resolved conflict and sometimes JESUS actually created conflict. in your life, all three of those responses are sometimes going to be appropriate. sometimes you need to avoid conflict. sometimes you need to resolve conflict. but sometimes you need to create conflict.

most people have a misunderstanding that keeping the peace means avoiding confrontation at all costs. it means swallow my hurts, hide my feelings, repress the truth, ignore problems in my life, pretend that everything is ok. but the bible says that only causes more problems. the bible says that repressing the truth rather than dealing with the truth causes trouble.

proverbs 10.10 (tev) says, someone who holds back the truth will cause trouble. but the one who openly confronts works for peace. in theory, we all believe that honesty is the best policy. but in practicality, there are a lot of times in life when we don’t think honesty is such a good idea. speaking the truth is not such a positive thought.

for instance, “if i told my father the truth about him, he’d never speak to me again.” “if i told my husband how i really feel about our marriage, he’d blow up.” “if i told my boyfriend what i don’t like about him, he’d leave me.” “if i told my wife about my frustration with our love life, she’d accuse me of a one-track mind.” “if i told my boss that what we’re doing is unethical, i’d get fired.” “if i confronted my friend and told him he needed counseling, he’d never see me again.”

love is not always easy. love is not always fun. love sometimes takes courage. love sometimes is tough. and love sometimes includes a confrontation.

we’ve been looking at the question, “what is love?” we’ve talked about some of the lighter areas of love like love is kind, love is patient, love is respectful of others. but we’re now going to another level of love. we’re going to graduate-level loving. if you want to move out of grade-school loving and become a graduate-level lover, sometimes in life you’re going to have to do what we’re going to talk about now. it’s not an easy thing to talk about.

the bible says in 1 corinthians 13.6 (niv), love rejoices with the truth. ephesians 4.15 (tev) tells us, speak the truth in a spirit of love.

there is a skill that almost no one is good at. i’m certainly not good at it. and i doubt of any if you are really professional in doing this skill. because it’s a skill that we’re never taught. nobody sets us down and shows us the steps to doing it effectively.

it is how to confront someone you love in a loving attitude. how do you do that? if you want to have a better relationship, if you want to help other people, sometimes you have to say tough things that they don’t want to hear but they need to hear it.

just a thought from the front porch…