intimacy and conflict…

this is so important.  being candid and being connected go together.  somebody says, i feel disconnected from my husband…  i feel disconnected from my girlfriend…  i feel disconnected from my mom…  it’s because you’re not talking about something that’s a big thing in the way.  candid and connected go together. 

the road to intimacy is through the tunnel of conflict.  in fact, there is no such thing as real intimacy without conflict.  if you’ve never had any conflict in your relationship it means one thing.  you are living at a superficial level.  we’re all different and when you get to the basic differences you’re going to have conflict.  you married a sinner, men.  and she married a bigger one.  when you put two sinners together there’s going to be conflict.  so if you never have any conflict in your relationship you are living at a superficial level.  but conflict is the way to intimacy. 

if you’ll stay in that tunnel you will work it out.  it’s tough.  you may have to get some help.  you come out on the other side you’ll come out with a level of intimacy and soul satisfaction and knowing each other and partnership that the world knows nothing about. 

just a thought from the front porch…

you don’t have to be perfect…

proverbs 28.23 (nlt) says, in the end people appreciate frankness more than flattery.  notice in the end.  nobody appreciates it up front.  i don’t.  i doubt you do.  somebody comes up and says, “bill, this is out of whack in your life.”  i don’t appreciate that when i hear it.  my old selfish nature, my sin nature, my own pride rises up and says, “who are you?  you think you’ve got it all together?”  if you had to be perfect to be able to point out something wrong in somebody else’s life what would get pointed out?  nothing.  you don’t have to be perfect to point out something wrong in somebody else’s life.  you do have to be open to it yourself – to correction.  but you don’t have to be perfect. 

when you first hear it, most of us don’t really like to hear the truth.  but if we think about it, pray about it and realize “i needed to hear that, i needed it so i could grow, so i could become l what GOD wants me to be.” 

frankness is not a license for you to go out and say anything you want, to anybody you want, any time you want.  timing is everything.  ecclesiastes 8.6 (msg) says, there’s a right time and way for everything.   also proverbs 27.14 (niv), if a man loudly blesses his neighbor early in the morning it will be taken as a curse.  “wake up!  it’s a great day!  let’s go jump in the pool!”  you’re not going “good morning, LORD.”  you’re going, “good LORD, it’s morning!”  so timing is everything.

let me give you some rules for dealing with people honestly. 

1.  compliment in public, correct in private.  you never correct a person publicly unless that’s the only, last alternative.  you do it in private.

2.  correct them when they’re up, not when they’re down.  you don’t come in and unload on somebody when they’re tired, they’re fatigued, anxious, it’s the end of the day and they haven’t eaten.  what this means is no bombs in bed!  you don’t wait until your souse lays his or her head down on the pillow and say, “can we talk?”  bad idea!  just going off into la-la land and you want to talk about something serious.  no.  wait until they’ve had a good meal, their tummy’s full, their glucose level is up, they’re relaxed, they’re feeling ok and in that better moment deal with the issue. 

3.  you must be open to correction yourself.  prove that you’re open to suggestions yourself.  you don’t have a right to give them the truth unless you have proven you’re open to the truth yourself. 

just a thought from the front porch…

it is your business…

is there anybody you’ve given permission to get in your face and say, “this needs to be corrected.”  if not, i pity you.  you’re never going to grow very much if you don’t have anybody who loves you enough to tell you the truth. 

galatians 6.1-2 (ncv) says this, brothers and sisters, if somebody in your group [and this, by the way, is a great verse for small groups] does something wrong go to that person and gently help make him right again. 

notice in this verse it says, go to that person.  that means you take the initiative.  if you see something wrong in a friend, loved one, relative, fellow CHRISTian’s life you take the initiative and go to him. 

why don’t we do that?  because we believe a lie that’s out of the pit of hell.  it’s none of my business.  it is your business!  if you care, if you love, it is your business.  if you’re a CHRISTian and that person is a CHRISTian it just became your business.  because the bible says we’re all in the same family.  the bible says we’re connected.  the bible says we belong to each other.  the bible says we’re going to spend eternity together.  we’re brothers and sisters.  i have a right to get in your face and you have a right to get in my face for the good and love of the relationship.  it is your business!

when you say, “it’s none of my business,” there’s a word for that – apathy and a lack of love.  it is your business.  yet i have seen so many CHRISTians in families, churches and small groups.  they see somebody who’s heading down a wrong path, they’re getting involved in an affair, they’re getting involved in a stupid business decision, they’re ruining their life on drugs or some foolish choice and people stand by and watch them do it and let them do it and say, “it’s none of my business.”  that is unloving.  somebody’s got to care enough and love them enough to say, “don’t do this!  you’re making a major mistake with your life.” 

just a thought from the front porch…

no trust without truth…

i don’t know what it is in your relationship that you won’t talk about.  it may be sex.  but you can’t talk about it.  it may be money.  it may be a secret habit.  it may be in-laws.  it may be an ex spouse.  it may be deep dark fear.  but you can’t talk about it and you hold it in abeyance.  and you keep yourself from having intimacy.  healthy relationships are built on honesty.

the bible says in proverbs 24.26 (tev), an honest answer is a sign of a true friendship.  a true relationship.  a true marriage.  there is no trust without truth.  if you don’t have truth telling in your relationship you can’t have trust.  and if you don’t have trust i don’t care what you say.  it’s not much of relationship whether you’re married or it’s just your boyfriend or girlfriend.  it’s not a relationship without trust.  and trust is predetermined by truth.

in fact we’re commanded by GOD to speak the truth to each other in love.  ephesians 4.15 (tev) says, speak the truth in a spirit of love.  yet so many married couples are stuck in superficiality.  because nobody has the courage to speak up about something.  we all need each other because we’re all blind to our weaknesses.  you don’t know the weaknesses in your life that other people see.  i don’t know the weaknesses in my life that other people see.  we all have blind spots.  some of us have bald spots but all of us have blind spots.  you need other people.

just a thought from the front porch…

the most powerful tool we have…

remember the story in the old testament of the tower of babel that building project that GOD stopped because they were so prideful.  HE stopped the project by taking away their most powerful tool.  HE didn’t take away their hammer, HE didn’t take away their chisels.  HE took away their words. 

words are the most powerful tool that we have.  you can use them to build.  you can use them to tear down.  “sticks and stones may break my bones but words can…”  words can hurt a child’s heart.  words can shatter a husband’s dreams.  they can crush a wife’s self image.  or you can use same things – words – to build another person’s life.  do you realize the power you have this week to change somebody’s life?  with what you say, a word of sympathy, just looking them in the eye and saying i understand what you’re going through.  or maybe saying, i don’t understand what you’re going through but i care about it even though i don’t understand it.  or saying to them i love you.  you have the power to change somebody’s life with a word this week.  who is it?  take a minute to write it down.  who will i bless with a word of sympathy this week?  i won’t give up on you?  who needs to hear that word from you?

you bless people when you show courtesy, mercy, sympathy and you bless others when you speak honestly.

that means you talk about a problem in the relationship that you’d rather not talk about.  if you’re serious about blessing other people you must care enough to tell the truth even when it’s painful, even when it’s inconvenient, even when you’d rather ignore the problem and sweep it under the rug.  you do it because you value the person in the relationship. 

listen, most people, even married couples, have nobody in their life who loves them enough to tell them the truth.  they don’t have them.  they don’t have anybody in their life who loves them enough to say, this is out of whack in your life and you need to work on it.  people know what needs to be said, everybody in the office knows what needs to be said to that person but nobody is willing to say it. 

millions of relationships are destroyed by dishonesty.  i couldn’t tell you the number of couples that i’ve met who have been married 20, 30, 40 years or more and are still living at superficial level in their relationship because everybody just wants to “make nice, don’t rock the boat”.  we all know that there’s an area in our life that we need to talk about but we don’t want to talk about.  it’s the elephant in the living room.  what elephant?  i don’t see it!  so we live in total denial.  and there are areas of your life that you are chicken to talk about.  you’ve decided whenever we bring this up it causes pain in our relationship so we’re just not going to talk about it.  that closes a door to a deeper level of intimacy. 

just a thought from the front porch…

excuses, blaming or coming clean?…

one thing that happened when jacob wrestled with GOD was, GOD brings him face to face with who he is. 

remember, jacob said, “i’ve seen GOD face to face.”  and GOD asked him, “what’s your name?” and jacob had to say it.  jacob – what did “jacob” mean?  schemer.  and in one name, one word, he described his life. 

when you wrestle with GOD you get a new view of who you really are.  and sometimes it’s tough.  but it’s one of the keys of GOD allowing us to become all HE wants us to be.

so when jacob says, “my name is jacob” he is owning up to what he really is.  it’s an act of confession.  it’s a self-revelation.  he’s saying, “i am a manipulator.”  he’s admitting it. 

i wonder if you and i were named for our greatest character fault what would be our name?  “hi, i’m greedy…”  what would be your name?  bitter?  angry?  uncontrollable temper?  lustful?  a user?  “hi, i’m depressed…  i’m fearful … i’m afraid…  i’m gossip…”  what would be your name if you were named after your biggest character flaw?

here’s the insight into this.  you will never be able to change until you openly and honestly and authentically admit your sin, your weakness, your fault, your frailty, your character defect to yourself, to GOD and to other people.

you’re going, “oh, no!  i can deal with the me and GOD thing, but admit it to other people?  why?”  because the bible says, GOD opposes the proud.  if you’re prideful you are in a war with GOD because GOD opposes prideful, egotistical people.  but HE gives grace to the humble.

what is grace?  it’s the power to change.  and one of the most humbling things in the world to do is to go, “this is who i am.  i am a __________” you fill in the blank in your life right now in your mind.  “i am a worrier...  i am a domineering person....  i am a person who runs from conflict...  i am an addict...” admit it.  “i am a manipulator.”  fill in the blank.  stop making excuses if you want to change and stop rationalizing, stop justifying, stop blaming other people.  you’ve got to come clean about what everybody else sees in you but you won’t admit what you really are inside. 

when you come to GOD and say, “GOD, i want to own up to the weaknesses, the filth, the wrong in my life, the dishonesty, whatever it is,” and you come and tell GOD, “this is who i really am.”  GOD is not going to be surprised.  “how could I have missed that.  I made you.  I created you.  I’ve watched every moment of your life.  I watched you being born.  I’ve heard every breath you take.  how did I miss that one?  that was a surprise!  you pulled one over!  I’m really surprised.”  GOD already knows.  you just need to own up to yourself and to others.  this is the most difficult part of change. 

just a thought from the front porch…

being honest about how you feel…

when you are in an overwhelming situation remind yourself first who GOD is, remind yourself what HE’s done, ask GOD to do it again and once you’ve done that now you’re ready to talk about your problem.  tell GOD exactly how you feel.

i need to confess my inability and my inadequacy and i need to be honest if i’m afraid, if i’m scared.  i say, “this is exactly how i feel.” 

in 2 chronicles 20.12 (nlt), king jehoshaphat says to GOD in his prayer, we are powerless against this mighty army that is about to attack us. 

have you ever felt that way?  have you ever felt powerless, like there was a problem in your marriage, your career, or somewhere in your life that you thought was overwhelming?  there’s no way to succeed in this.  you start the beginning of the week thinking maybe you can handle it but about wednesday you’re out of power.  and by friday you’re thinking, “i don’t know if i can face another week of this.” 

maybe you've felt like this poem:
            the world had a hopeful beginning
            but man spoiled it all by sinning
            we trust that the story
            will end in GOD’s glory
            but right now the other side’s winning.

have you ever felt like that?  you pick up the newspaper and it looks like the bad guys are winning. so you say, “GOD, we’re powerless and we don’t know what to do.”  so you tell GOD exactly how you feel. 

it’s interesting when you compare verse 12 where he says, we’re powerless, to verse 6 where he says, YOU have all the power in the world.  it doesn’t matter if i’m powerless if GOD has power.  if i put my trust in HIM, HE’ll take care of me.  you don’t have to have power.  and you don’t have to pretend that you do.  all you have to do is trust in GOD who’s got all the power that you need.  trust HIM.

just a thought from the front porch…

more than you ask for…

take some time every day, a few minutes at the beginning to talk to GOD honestly.  find some space to talk to HIM about the opportunities of the day, the feelings of the day, the relationships, the problems of the day. 

in fact, let me get real practical about this.  in your car.  turn off the radio and the cell phone and stop putting on makeup or shaving.  and just for five minutes talk to GOD.  i’m not saying talk to GOD all the time you’re in the car.  don’t make this so crazy you can’t do it.  but just take five minutes.  for many of us the only time we’re sure to be alone sometime during the day is somewhere driving in the car.  so just turn everything off and take five minutes to say, “ok, GOD, let’s have an honest talk about how i’m feeling.”  if you begin to do that as a daily habit it makes an incredible difference in your life.when you talk to GOD in honest prayer let me just tell you, you will not always get what you ask for.  GOD is much wiser than to give us everything that we ask for.  you will often get much more than you ask for. 

some of you are familiar with this soldier’s prayer from american history. 

i asked GOD for strength that i might achieve,

i was made weak that i might learn humbly to obey.

i asked GOD for health that i might do greater things,

i was given infirmity that i might do better things.

i asked for riches that i might be happy,

i was given poverty that i might be wise.

i asked for power that i might have the praise of men,

i was given weakness that i might feel the need of GOD.

i asked for all things that i might enjoy life,

i was given life that i might enjoy all things.

i got nothing that i asked for, but everything that i’d hoped for.

almost despite myself my unspoken prayers were answered. 

i am among all men most richly blessed.

when you don’t know what to do what do you do?  start by making GOD’s love your lifeline.  then you make the decision to make patience your priority.  then you make prayer your pressure release. 

just a thought from the front porch…

the most ridiculous prayers…

look at psalm 143.7 (msg), hurry with your answer, GOD.  i’m nearly at the end of my rope.  Don’t turn away.  don’t ignore me.  why can’t we just pray honest prayers?  you know what i think we pray a lot of times.  we pray prayers with disclaimers – you know, like “batteries not included,” at the end of an ad.  we pray that way in our prayers many times. 

let me show you how that would work with this prayer.  hurry with your answer, GOD.  disclaimer: unless of course you don’t want to hurry.  because i don’t want to see i’m telling you to hurry if you don’t want to hurry.  so, really, take your time if you want to.  i’m nearly at the end of my rope!  well, not really at the end of my rope.  i’m like three feet from the end of my rope.  so if somebody’s closer to the end of their rope than i am please help them first.”  then get real pious and pray things like, “GOD, i don’t want to seem ungrateful so thank you for this rope that i’m nearly at the end of.  really, i want to thank you for this rope.”  ridiculous!  answer my prayer now GOD.  don’t ignore me.  but then we add the disclaimer: “if you have time today to not ignore me which in light of the fact that there’s war and famine and disease all over the world you probably don’t have time for me today so forget i said anything at all.” 

we pray the most ridiculous prayers.  i think one of the reasons why is because we have a small view of GOD.  we think GOD can’t handle all of our prayers all at once and HE can.  GOD is the ultimate multi-tasker.  if you can get in your car and you can drive your car and listen to the traffic report and talk on the cell phone and put on makeup and shave.  if you can do all that at the same time don’t you think that the GOD of the universe who made everything who is the almighty, the all-powerful, can listen to every prayer of the billions of people on this planet and give personal attention and care?  of course HE can. 

that blows our mind a little bit but that is the greatness of GOD.  that’s how great GOD is.  so you’re not bothering GOD with your prayer.  you’re not taking away from somebody else’s need with your prayer.  so talk to GOD honestly.  because when you talk to GOD honestly you’re able to hear an honest answer. 

do you hear that answer audibly?  i never have.  you hear it through a thought HE brings to mind or a bible verse HE brings to mind or somebody who comes into your life.  if you pray dishonest prayers to GOD, and you fake it with GOD, you’re not going to hear any honest answers from GOD.  but if you honestly tell HIM how you’re feeling, you’re going to hear some honest answers back.  and that’s how your heart’s going to change.  that’s where the pressure gets released. 

just a thought from the front porch…

let’s be honest…

who do you talk to when you feel hopeless?  i’ll tell you what my default is.  when i feel hopeless, my default is to not talk to anybody.  to throw myself into some work or into some project and just hope the feeling goes away.  or to set down in front of the tv and click through 150 channels hoping i’ll find hope on one of those channels.  i’ve never found it yet but i just keep hoping.  it doesn’t happen that way.

who do you talk to when you feel hopeless?  you need to talk to other people.  let other people in on it.  let them pray for patience in your life.  lift each other up.  but even that isn’t enough.  you talk to other people but also you talk to GOD about it.  the feelings build.  these feelings of hopelessness, anxiety, discouragement you might have.  they build.  eventually you’re either going to blow up or you’re going to cave it.  so you talk to other people about it.  but also you talk to GOD about it.  you talk to HIM regularly.  you talk to HIM honestly.  you talk to HIM about it. 

psalm 17.1 (tev) says something about that.  i want you to notice particularly a word at the end of this verse.  listen o LORD to my plea for justice.  pay attention to my cry for help.  listen to my honest prayer.  do you see it?  it says, honest prayer. 

do you know why a lot of us don’t like to pray, i think?  we don’t pray honest prayers.  we pray these pious prayers.  we pray these fancy prayers.  we pray these religious prayers.  we pray these pattern prayers like other people have prayed.  so it doesn’t feel like us.  it feels phony.  it feels fake.  because it is.  it’s not us.  and GOD says, “you know what i’m looking for?  I’m looking for honest prayers.  tell ME how you feel.  tell ME what’s really going through your mind.”  HE already knows anyway.  HE’s the GOD of the universe.  HE knows everything you’re thinking.  so if you can’t talk to GOD honestly, who can you talk to honestly?  you’d enjoy praying a lot more, you’d get a lot more out of prayer, if you talked to GOD honestly. 

just a thought from the front porch…

statements of fear and insecurity…

there’s another fear that we have that disconnects us and that is when we fear losing our freedom. when we fear losing our freedom that makes us demanding.

fear and insecurity demand that i must always be in control. the more insecure i am the more i have to be in control. the opposite is true also. the more secure i am as a person, the less i need to be in control. i don’t need it. but if i'm insecure and if i'm fearful i'm going to try to grab for control, i must always have my own way. i must always have the last word. we’ve got to do it my way. i demand my rights. all of those statements are symbols of insecurity.

sin destroyed the perfect relationship and thus began the battle of the sexes. in genesis 3.16 (ber), GOD tells eve, you will be drawn to your husband yet he will dominate you.

that wasn’t GOD’s plan or idea. but that’s what happened when fear entered the relationship.

sadly GOD’s ideal was destroyed. instead of complementing each other, husbands and wives started competing with each other. GOD made women and men totally different for a purpose. we’re different in every genetic component of our bodies. our dna is different. we’re just different. we were meant to complement each other not to compete with each other.

the root problem in a lot of marriages i’ve seen is the power struggle between two very insecure people. and the issue is who’s going to be in control. there’s a constant battle and it’s revealing insecurity.

now if these are the fears that disconnect us what causes us to reconnect to those we love? the answer is honesty. because fear makes us dishonest. we hide our feeling. we hide our faults. we hide our fears. dishonesty of course destroys relationships.

1 john 1.7 (niv), if we live in the light as GOD is in the light, we can share fellowship with each other.

fellowship means a close relationship, a connection which comes from living in the light, living out in the open, being honest, being authentic, being truthful. and GOD is in the light because GOD is always honest. GOD cannot lie. GOD always tells the truth.

great relationships are built on trust. and you don't trust people who lie to you. you don’t trust people who don’t tell you the truth. so if you don’t tell the truth in your relationship there’s not going to be any trust. and if there’s not any trust you don’t have a relationship. you’re disconnected. so it starts with being honest.

just a thought from the front porch…

decide to be honest...

how powerful are words? the bible says that GOD created the world with the word. that’s how powerful words are.

yet in the book of james in the new testament in chapter 2, james reminds us that we have a tough time with our tongues sometimes. he says if anybody can speak perfectly all the time, they’re a perfect person. he said that our tongue is like a restless evil. it’s full of poison. later in the book he says, “out of this same mouth come blessings and cursings.” we’ve all faced that.

so the question is, how do i use these words to build people rather than tear people down?

counselor, gary chapman, said this about communication: “communication is basically an act of the will.” i’ve got to decide some things and JESUS shows us the way. what can i decide to do this week to build people with my words?

one thing i can do is i can decide to be honest.

proverbs 24.26 (ms), an honest answer is like a warm hug.

yet many of us relate more to this quote: “the secret of life is honesty in fair dealing. if you can fake that, you’ve got it made.” that’s not proverbs. that’s groucho marx. we relate to that, though. it’s tough to be honest sometimes.

but JESUS was honest in his communication. HE didn’t talk so much about honesty as HE practiced honesty. HE spoke with honesty in all of his relationships.

ephesians 4.15 (niv) in the new testament tells us how that honesty is balanced in our lives. speaking the truth in love. you balance truth and love. it takes both. you speak it in love.

there are some people who use truth like a missile. they don’t tell you the truth. they aim it at you. we’ve all discovered that. that’s not what this is talking about.

there are other people who are just thoughtless. that can also hurt people. they’re just thoughtless with what they say. they say things like, “you do well for your age.” or “i can’t believe you did such a good job!” was that a compliment?

just a thought from the front porch…